Odd Mom Out

Shivering, shaking, I cross my arms over my chest. “But the timing was just too good.”

Luke’s expression hardens all over again. “Sometimes life is good, Marta. Sometimes life is freaking fabulous. Don’t you know that? Life isn’t just bad things. Life can also be wonderful.”

I feel my throat and nose burn. “I’m sorry.”

Luke just shakes his head. “Yeah. Me too.” He takes a breath. “If your bike doesn’t start, call me. Otherwise . . .” He doesn’t finish the thought. He climbs behind the steering wheel and drives off.

Al Pancetti arrives Thursday afternoon at two o’clock with a black truck and trailer to pick up my bike. I stand off to the side and watch him load it into a trailer. My chest feels so hot and tight, I can barely breathe. I cross my arms, squeeze, try to stay calm. This is right, I tell myself, this is smart. I’m being a better mom this way. Becoming more like everybody else.

Yet as Al slams the back of the trailer closed and slides the lock across the back, I nearly cry out, Don’t take my bike, don’t take it.

I don’t cry out. I just stand there, still, cool, controlled. My dad would be so proud of me.

“I guess that’s it,” Al says, wiping his hands on the back of his jeans before extending one hand to shake mine good-bye.

I shake his hand, nod. “It’s a good bike.”

His warm brown eyes meet mine. “I know it is. You take care now.”

“You too.”

I go inside before he drives away. I have to. Otherwise I’d be bawling like a baby.

The loss of the bike is the final straw. I’m shattered and angry, mostly angry at myself because I didn’t have to sell the bike. I didn’t have to walk out of the meeting. I didn’t have to cut Luke out of my life, either.

Why, oh, why do I do these hard-core, knee-jerk masochistic things? Why do I respond to life this way? All or nothing? Throw the dice, baby, all or nothing . . .

But I don’t want all or nothing.

All or nothing has just about broken me.

I finally call Tiana because she’s single and I hope, pray, she’ll understand what I’m talking about and hope, pray, she can tell me how to get through this.

“I’ve goofed,” I tell her. “I’ve goofed so bad.” My voice is shaking and I’m shaking, and for the first time in a long time, I think I’m really going to crack. “What I did . . . what I said . . . Oh, Tiana, what have I done?”

“What did you do?”

“I walked out of a huge meeting, walked out on a job I wanted more than anything, walked out on Luke. You name it. I did it.”

“Why?”

“I was upset. Confused. And now I find out I had it all wrong. I didn’t understand it, and I thought the worst, and oh, Tiana, I hate myself right now. I feel so bad. I’m so crazy about Luke, and I’ve screwed everything up.”

“I’m coming,” Tiana says crisply. “I have the weekend off and no plans. I’ll be there first thing in the morning.”

Tiana is as good as her word. Eva and I pick her up, and as soon as we get home, Eva has Jill over so Jill can meet her famous “aunt.” Once Jill is done gawking, Eva and Jill disappear into Eva’s room to play.

Tiana drags me into my room to talk. “So what exactly happened,” she demands.

I tell her all, as briefly and concisely as possible. Tiana listens to the whole story and then asks, “So what’s the bottom line, Marta? What do you want right now?”

“Luke.” There’s no hesitation on my part. “I want the bike account. It was my dream job. But it’s just a job. Luke’s . . . Luke’s . . .” I try to smile, yet even trying to smile makes me nearly cry. “Luke’s wonderful, and I don’t know why I did what I did. I don’t know why I didn’t trust him.”

“Oh, Marta, you’ve always had a huge issue with trust, especially after Scott duped you.”

“But this isn’t about Scott, it’s about me.”

“It’s all about Scott. He was a bad apple. He started seeing you before he was even divorced—”

“I don’t want to talk about Scott.”

Tiana slams her hand on my dresser. “But we’re going to talk about Scott whether you like it or not. We need to talk about him because he’s messed up your life long enough. You loved him. You wanted to marry him. You wanted to have kids with him, but the bastard already had a wife, a wife he didn’t tell you about—”

“They’d been separated for over a year.”

“But he was still seeing her, wasn’t he? Still going ‘home’ on weekends and just possibly, still sleeping with her.”

I feel as if I can’t breathe, and it’s not the sexy, excited I-can’t-breathe, but the elephant-is-standing-on-my-chest-and-crushing-me kind of feeling. “Tiana.”

She shakes her head. “He was the worst kind of man, Marta, the kind of man that needs so much that he’ll string women along, have girlfriends, mistresses, wives, women who all think they’re the only one when in reality they’re just one of a half dozen he woos and wins, women he needs to support his fragile ego and self-esteem.

“He hurt you,” she continues furiously. “He lied to you. He cheated. He was an ass. A pig. A prick. A jerk. But he’s not all men. And you can’t let one rotten prick haunt you forever. You can’t let that rotten prick keep you from being loved.”

Tiana takes my hands in hers, squeezes them. “For ten years you’ve been afraid of men, afraid of being hurt, afraid of being rejected because of one lousy man. Okay, you thought Luke let you down and you behaved childishly, but have you tried to apologize? Have you really tried to fix things? Or have you just crawled into a hole and played dead?”

It’d be so easy to hate Tiana when she’s in her righteous mode, but Tiana has been through hell and back and she’s a survivor. She knows what it is to love and lose and try again. Shey might be the sister I never had, but Tiana’s the guardian angel. I couldn’t go through what she’s gone through, and I know she’s suffered.

“But I don’t know how to fix this,” I confess. “I think it’s gotten out of hand.”

“Maybe in your mind.” Her eyes search my face. “And maybe it’s uncomfortable, and maybe it’ll hurt your pride, but don’t give up. Don’t throw in the towel. What kind of attitude is that?”

“It’s my inner chicken talking.”

“You’re not a coward at work, why be a coward with men?”

She has a good point there. “I don’t know.”

“I don’t know, either, and maybe it’s time you had some balls when it comes to relationships. Maybe it’s time you take what you learned about the world and apply it to love.”

“You make it sound easy.”

“It ain’t easy.” She smiles wryly, her deep dimples appearing and disappearing. “Being married wasn’t perfect, but I loved being married, and I loved my husband, and I want to have that again. Not because I’m weak. Not because I can’t make it on my own, but because love feels good. Love makes me a better, and happier, person.”

I picture Luke, picture us together and how I feel when we’re apart, and I finally get it. It’s not that two halves make a whole, but that two wholes can definitely increase happiness.

And happiness is worth fighting for, just as Luke is worth fighting for. Now I’ve got to put my biker girl attitude back on and make this work.

Tiana promises to take Eva and Jill shopping while I try to call Luke and have a real conversation with him.

Of course, I remember his number, despite erasing it “forever” from my home phone and BlackBerry.

I dial his number, and he answers. “Marta,” he says.

“Hi, Luke.”

“What can I do for you?” His voice is pretty dang hard.

I take a quick breath for courage. “Could you meet me for coffee?” He doesn’t say anything, so I add, “So we could talk?”

“What are we going to talk about?”

My mouth’s so dry. I’m so nervous. “Us. What happened. With Freedom Bikes and

all.”

“You know, Marta, we should talk sometime, but I don’t know that this is a good time. I’m packing, and I’ve an early flight to catch.”

“Where are you going this time?”

“China and Australia.”

My heart tumbles and falls. “For how long?”

“Probably a couple weeks.”

“That’s so long.”

He doesn’t say anything, and it hurts. I can’t bear to think he’s angry with me. “Please meet me for coffee,” I say. “Fifteen, twenty minutes is all I’m asking for. The Starbucks near the mall, the one next to See’s Candy?”