I feel a little brave and a little foolish sitting here on my own. This is a place where people come to make deals. To schmooze and to see and be seen. But I’m here for a reason. I’m making a statement. I’m making myself visible. I’m letting the industry know I’m not going away. This is my town. And I belong here.
Later that afternoon, I get an e-mail from Betsy in Tucson with details regarding the reception. As I suspected, it is black-tie and it’ll be held at one of the swanky resorts in the desert. Apparently, every ticket has already been sold and the press have promised to attend in force. I call Shannon, my stylist. I haven’t talked to her in five weeks, not since she dressed me for the Golden Globes back in early January.
“Tiana!” Shannon sounds genuinely delighted to hear from me. “How are you? God, it was good to see your name and number on my phone.”
“I’m great. Thank you. How are you?”
We chitchat, and then I tell her about the Tucson award, how the accident happened the day I was to fly out and they’re going to present me with the award now with a new event. “I need to look good. It’s my first black-tie appearance since my accident and I want to be confident.”
“I couldn’t agree more. You need a great dress, a darling handbag, and your beautiful smile. What were you thinking of wearing?”
Having purchased virtually everything in my closet for me, she knows my wardrobe intimately and keeps an online album with photographs of my best pieces. “My black ruffled Oscar de la Renta gown. It’s long, and except for the bare shoulders, rather demure.”
“You love that dress and I love that dress, but on someone other than you. I think it’s time to donate that dress, especially as I know a gown that would be amazing on you. I just saw it today at Neiman Marcus, and you’d look sensational in it. It’s Monique Lhuillier. Long, silver satin, and paired with a modern silver collar or a chunky necklace you’d absolutely dazzle.”
“Silver, in March?”
“Get a blowout and spray tan, just a touch of a golden glow. Almost naked makeup. A barely there lip with nude gloss. No earrings, no bracelets, and it’d be stunning but effortless. I’ll run the dress over for you tomorrow.”
The three weeks until the Tucson gala are filled with appointments, interviews, and appearances. I’m far busier than I expected, and it’s gratifying to discover so much interest and support for the people and stories I covered in Zambia.
I get my cast off during the second week of March. My arm looks pale and a little shriveled, but I’m delighted to have it back. There’s a scar on my forearm and the muscles are appallingly weak, but I’ll get the strength back with use.
Three days after the cast comes off, and just two days before I’m to head to Tucson, I have a second meeting with agent Meredith Wochstein of Creative Talent. I like her very much and appreciate her energy and drive. She doesn’t see my scar as a stumbling block; rather, she focuses on my experience and my charisma. There are a lot of opportunities for me, she tells me; it’s just a matter of goal setting and priorities. I’m delighted to sign with her.
Finally, it’s Saturday morning and time to fly to Tucson. I’m twitchy, aware that the last time I was headed to Tucson I came nose to nose with a car. It’s a relief once I’m on board the Learjet, safely buckled in my seat with a glass of champagne in my hand. The flight is smooth and fast, and I’m on the ground before I’ve even finished going through my magazines.
With a half day looming before the reception, I indulge in body treatments and a massage at the resort’s spa and then head to the salon at four for hair and nails. Back in my hotel room, I check my cell for messages and there’s one from Meredith Wochstein, my new agent. She’s just heard from Harvey Pearlman over at NBC, and he wants to set up a meeting for Tuesday to discuss the idea of developing an afternoon talk show with me as host. It’s all very early, very preliminary talks, but Meredith says that Harvey’s a huge fan of mine and would love to make something happen.
I listen to the message three times, my smile growing with every replay.
Even if nothing comes of the Tuesday meeting, the fact that Harvey Pearlman, one of the most influential men in the industry today, is a fan and wants to talk to me makes me feel amazing.
I am not just a face.
I am not just an image.
I am me, and I matter.
I call Meredith back, leave a message that I’d be delighted to meet with Harvey and my calendar’s open, so any time, any place, is good. And then I hang up and it’s time to dress for the party.
My hands shake as I carefully slide the new Monique Lhuillier gown over my head. Harvey Pearlman’s a fan. NBC wants to talk to me. I have options. I have a very big, bright future, and there will be new risks to take, new crises as well, but I welcome them all. I love a good challenge and am up for a new challenge.
The silver dress is formfitting, and after zipping it up, I turn to see myself in the mirror. It’s beautiful. I’m beautiful.
I smile, and leaning close to the mirror, I kiss my face where the scar is. The mirror is cold against my lips, but I leave my lips there until the glass warms and I feel the love, the same love I felt when my mother comforted me as a child. I love you, Tiana. I’m proud of you. You’re going to be wonderful tonight.
The ballroom chandeliers are dimmed, and candles flicker on the twenty-some round tables and chairs. Even though this is supposed to be a cocktail reception, there is enough food at the buffet stations to make it a dinner. I mingle and visit and nibble a little and drink even less, as I’m aware that soon I’ll be on the platform, accepting my award and giving a thank-you speech.
And then it’s time, and the lights are further dimmed, and everyone takes a seat. I’m being introduced, my biography is read, along with a list of achievements I’ve heard before. Emmy Award–winning…
Top-rated show…
HBC’s most popular TV host…
All those distinctions, all that recognition, usually it rolls right off me, but tonight I hear it all, take it in, savoring every honor, every achievement, realizing that I should have been doing this years ago. I’ve worked hard. I’ve accomplished a lot. I should enjoy it. But like other women, I never take time to savor my successes. I’ve always been too focused on what I haven’t done right or what I still need to do.
No more.
Standing in front of the microphone, I have my speech there in front of me, but as I look out at the audience beneath the glowing chandeliers, I ignore the speech I’ve prepared and just speak from the heart.
I talk about my experience in television and how in the months leading up to my accident, I’d been increasingly cautious and fearful, worried that my career would end if I aged, worried I’d lose respect if I wasn’t a flawless image. I tell them I didn’t realize how strong I was and that my power was not in my image, but in my convictions and my drive.
“I craved change,” I tell them, “but was terrified of change, clinging ever more tightly to what was familiar, to what I knew. But clinging to fear only increases fear. There’s only one way to fight fear and that’s by fighting back. Embrace change. Grab for the unknown. And believe in hope and joy and love.
“There isn’t just one kind of love, either,” I conclude. “And there’s more than enough love to go around. So love yourself, and love your life, and even love fear, because it won’t hold
you back.”
The audience is on their feet, applauding. I appreciate the show of support, but today’s speech wasn’t for them. It was for me. I have spent years not loving myself, not loving my life, not loving much of anything because I’ve been so afraid that no matter what I do, I’ll never be successful. Never be valuable. Never really matter.
But I can’t matter if I won’t let myself matter, and not matter to others, but matter to me.
I have to be my first lover, my first friend, my first fan. I have to start with me because this is where it all begins.
As I step off the stage, the applause continues, and I smile and nod my gratitude. Tonight couldn’t have gone better, and I go home with a gorgeous crystal award and a grateful heart. I’m ready for the next phase of my life, whatever it is.
I’m walking through the emptying ballroom toward the lobby when I see him. He’s dressed in one of his gorgeous black Italian suits, hands in his trouser pockets, and he’s handsome as all sin. Michael.
My heart flips. I walk slowly toward him.
He makes a show of looking around. “No date?”
I want to answer something clever, but I can’t think of anything. He’s so damn attractive, and he’s made life very hard for me lately. “No.”
“Why not?”
My temper stirs. “That’s like asking how you always manage to get one. Really, Dr. Frankenstein, mind your manners.”
He laughs softly, appreciatively, and closes the distance between us to kiss me on the cheek. “You look amazing, and you smell even better.”
“Thank you.” My calm voice belies the wild beating of my heart.
He puts one arm around me. “It was an incredible speech. You had everyone on their feet.”
“Michael, what are you doing here? I thought you had to be in Boston.”
“I was. But the moment I delivered my lecture I jumped on a plane and was able to catch your speech.”