Wren Bennett: That’s a lot to unpack in one message. I’m gonna need a minute.
Official Shepherd Oliver: Oh, take your time. I’ve been stuck in here going on 40 minutes, and it doesn’t seem to be ending any time soon. This guy has a lot of stamina. I bet he takes Ginkgo Biloba supplements.
Wren Bennett: 40 minutes???? You should probably check and make sure that poor woman is okay. She’ll never be able to use her jaw again.
Official Shepherd Oliver: I’ll never be able to take a shit in a public restroom again.
Official Shepherd Oliver: You know, if that’s what I was doing, but I totally wasn’t.Wren Bennett: I really hate tourists.
Wren Bennett: No, I don’t; I take that back. They’re wonderful and buy enough ice cream to pay our bills. Uuugh… whatever! How’s your day going?
Official Shepherd Oliver: Screw my day. What’s wrong? What happened?
Wren Bennett: I just got yelled at for fifteen minutes, because I don’t have any ice cream that doesn’t taste like ice cream.
Official Shepherd Oliver: I don’t even know how to reply to that statement.
Wren Bennett: Yep. Exactly.
Official Shepherd Oliver: What an asshole. Give me their name. I’ll talk to the guy at the field and have him splash it across the jumbotron right before a commercial break with the hashtag loseralert
Wren Bennett: LOL! Thanks, but I’m good now. She finally left a few minutes ago, and I saw her walk into Hang Five Arcade, so I’m sure she’s currently complaining to them that they have too many arcade games.
Official Shepherd Oliver: If she comes back, don’t say anything. Just give her a big thumbs-down and a frowny face.
Wren Bennett: I don’t remember your customer service skills being so poor when you worked at the Dip and Twist in high school.
Official Shepherd Oliver: Your mom would have kicked my ass if I got out of line back then. Also, I was but a young, dumb, teenage boy. I’m a man now, baby.
Wren Bennett: Uh huh, sure. Do you still need me to help you pick out what shoes go with the outfit you planned on wearing to the charity benefit on Friday, big man?
Official Shepherd Oliver: Look, there are a lot of rules in fashion, and I’ve been on too many best dressed lists to screw this up now.
Wren Bennett: You were on ONE, and it was only because I told you to burn that purple suit you planned on wearing.
Official Shepherd Oliver: I play for the Washington Hawks. Our uniform color is purple, and several members on the team got matching suits because #teamspirit
Wren Bennett: If you wear an old, beat-up pair of Nikes with your tuxedo to A BLACK-TIE CHARITY EVENT, I will never speak to you again.
Official Shepherd Oliver: See? Was that so hard? #bestdressed4everOfficial Shepherd Oliver: I have something totally awesome and kick-ass to tell you, but I am really, really mad at you right now, and I’m never speaking to you again, so that has to come first.
Official Shepherd Oliver: Did you hear me? Never speaking to you again, Wren Bennett.
Wren Bennett: And yet, you’re still talking, Shepherd Oliver.
Official Shepherd Oliver: Owen’s baseball team was $3,000 short of the funds they needed to play in the tournament finals in Myrtle Beach, and YOU DID NOT TELL ME OMG I AM SO MAD RIGHT NOW I COULD BREAK MY BAT OVER MY KNEE.
Official Shepherd Oliver: But that would hurt and probably break my knee instead of the bat. WHATEVER I AM NEVER SPEAKING TO YOU AGAIN.
Official Shepherd Oliver: Seriously, Wren. How could you not tell me they needed that money?
Wren Bennett: You can’t even last five minutes without speaking to me. You’re not very dedicated to your anger.
Official Shepherd Oliver: Stop being cute when I’m mad at you.
Wren Bennett: Stop being mad at me then. You must have seen an old post, because I put together a last-minute fundraiser, and we have the money we need to go to the tournament now.
Official Shepherd Oliver: I didn’t anticipate this kind of betrayal from my pen pal. Next time you need ANYTHING, especially if it has to do with Owen’s baseball, you damn well better ask for help.
Wren Bennett: Pen pal? Did you go back to 1983 and write that in your diary?
Official Shepherd Oliver: I did. With Lisa Frank stickers and a purple pencil that smells like grapes.
Wren Bennett: Your man card is starting to go up in flames.
Official Shepherd Oliver: Did you forget I have older sisters? They burned my man card the day I was born and dressed me up in their doll clothes. It’s a damn good thing I look fucking AMAZING in my uniform. With my dark-brown hair, this purple-and-white jersey really makes my blue eyes pop. It’s a sight to behold. And yes, pen pal. We live 3,000 miles away from each other, and you don’t call, you don’t visit, you don’t watch my games on TV…. It’s like you don’t even care.