Jesus for real. I have to set my fork down because there’s no way I can eat past the lump in my throat. “Do you remember her saying all of that?”
“Not really. Dad told me, though. He tells me that lots. That she’s in heaven.”
“Do you know what it means?”
“Not really. I asked Dad where it is, and he says he doesn’t know. He says there are other levels of things you can’t see. It’s kind of like that. Like how you can’t see really, really far into space, but it’s out there.”
One day, when I have kids, I hope they’re this smart. Actually, no. No, I don’t. I don’t because it makes me scared and sad and surprised all at once. It makes my heart swell up with love and sorrow, and I barely even know this kid. He’s too smart to be four, but maybe he just has a really good memory, and he just recites back what he’s heard. I can’t say which one I actually hope is true. There are things no child should have to understand fully, and Shade’s already gone through that, and he’s not even five. It’s heartbreaking.
“That’s true. I don’t think anyone knows what happens after we die, but there are lots of people who try to explain it by using energy. How a person’s energy or soul or spirit goes somewhere else that we can’t see.”
“Does everything go somewhere else when it does?”
“I really don’t know, but if everything is energy, then I guess it does. Or become something else. I’m not a science expert, and I’m not religious either, so I really don’t know.”
“You said no one knows anyway.” Shade shrugs. “It sucks not having a mom. I can’t really remember what it was like, but I think she’d be more patient than some of the nannies I’ve had. She’d actually like me.”
“Some of those nannies were bad. It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. You’re actually really amazing.” I reach over and ruffle his soft hair.
He looks up at me for a second, but that second is filled with emotion, then he starts eating his pancakes again.
“Would you like to put up a tree?”
“Yeah! I’d like that!”
“Do you guys have one?”
“I think so, but I can’t remember.”
“We could make some ornaments if we go out and buy crafting supplies. Have you ever made a paper chain?”
“No! What’s that?”
“Oh, just wait.”
Shade perks up. I can tell I have his interest now. He clearly likes crafts. I store that info at the back of my head because crafts can be endless. They’re a great way to kill time when there’s nothing else to do. I was always pretty artsy. I liked reading and writing, but I also loved making things. I can’t say I’m overly good at one thing, but I am alright at many different things.
“Can we? Can we go buy stuff to make things?”
“For sure. We’ll spend the afternoon doing some different crafts. When your dad gets home, I’ll ask him about the tree. He’ll know if there’s one. If there isn’t, then we’ll get one. I promise.”
“Yay! That’s awesome!”
Shade eats the rest of his pancakes, but then his face gets pensive again. I can’t imagine what’s going on in his head. I feel pretty sorry for him, but I don’t really know what to do or say. I don’t have a degree in child psychology or grief counseling. All I can do is be here, which is maybe just what he needs. Or maybe I’m messing him up more, though I freaking seriously hope not.
“I think we should make my grandpa a gift. Dad doesn’t like him even though he’s his own dad.”
“Why not?”
“He calls him a hermit and a grouch. He’s not grouchy with me, but he and dad fight with each other a lot. They’re always arguing. I mean not yelling, but just always saying things the other person doesn’t like. I don’t know why they do that, especially since Dad says it’s not good to say mean things about other people or to them.”
I sigh. “Sometimes, grownups aren’t very good at following their own rules.”
“Do you have a mom and a dad?”
I freeze. The muscles at the back of my neck tense up violently. “I do. They’re…uh… sometimes they’re hard to get along with too. They like to try and decide everything for me when I have things I want to do instead. I still love them, but sometimes, we just need our own space.”
“They’re not nice?”
“They can be super nice. They also have good intentions, I’m sure, but it doesn’t always mean I’m going to like or do what they want for me. It makes everyone sad, but eventually, I’m sure we’ll work it out. I still like them very much, and they are good people. I know that.”