“No, he’d be pissed.”
“Yeah, he’d be fucking pissed. He’d be losing his shit at them and doing to them what you’re doing to your own family and friends.”
“They’ve got a good reason for—”
“They’ve got no fucking reasons at all,” he yelled down the phone, making Dobby jump and hiss. “There isn’t one reason for them to blame you. You didn’t make him go out fishing. You didn’t make the storm hit. You didn’t make the boat take on water and capsize—the responsibility for it was down to bad fucking luck. You didn’t make any of it happen, but you did go out and try to save his life. You did almost break your back, trying to save him and the others. You did bring him home so that his family could bury him and have a place to go to speak to him. You did all of that, Elijah. You. You risked your life to save them all, and then you held him even though you needed emergency medical care. He didn’t die alone, he didn’t suffer, and he wasn’t left alone until we had to physically separate y’all. That’s more than most people get to do for their loved ones, and hand to God, it’s what I’d wish for if I lost anyone.”
Feeling something on my cheek, I flicked it with my finger and realized it was water. I hadn’t cried since the hospital, it wasn’t going to solve anything or fix how I felt all the time. But hearing him put it into words like that, it felt like I had to start some of the grieving process all over again. The final goodbye.
“I hate that I had to do this, Elijah. You know I love you like a brother, even when I had to order you around, and all I want is for you to have a life and not blame yourself for something that isn’t your fault.”
Just then, the door opened, and I turned around to see Sadie stumble through it as she juggled bags and her umbrella. Getting up, I put the phone between my shoulder and neck and reached out to take some of the shit from her. “Okay, Samson. I’ll think about it all, okay?”
“She’s home, isn’t she?” he asked, and I could hear the smile in his voice now. Again, I wasn’t surprised he knew I was with Sadie, I’d spoken about him to her during our last conversation months ago, and he knew something was different about her for me.
“Yep.”
“I’ll let you go to her after I say one last thing. Stop fighting, Elijah. Fighting the world and being angry all the time isn’t going to get you the atonement you’re hoping for, but it could end up causing you an injury that prevents you from living life to the max. For Coop's sake and your sake, don’t do it.”
“Affirmative.”
Not used to me answering things with one word, Sadie shot me a puzzled look and then pointed to her bedroom to see if I needed privacy. Shaking my head, I took the umbrella from her and dropped it in the sink in the kitchen to drain the water off it.
“No, not affirmative, say you’ll cut that shit out now.”
“I’ll cut that shit out now,” I sighed, avoiding the look Sadie was giving me now.
“Excellent, because if I hear that you’ve done it again, I’ll come down and personally beat the shit out of you until you’re begging me to stop.” He would as well. He might be over twenty years older than me, but the man worked out twice a day and ate the souls of superheroes in a protein shake for lunch.
“I don’t doubt that you would.”
“Last thing, Elijah,” he said quietly. “She’s been good for you, so don’t push her away. Forgive yourself, open up to falling in love, and live your fucking life.”
With my eyes now locked with hers, I swallowed awkwardly. Could I do it? She'd helped me through so much since I’d met her. I’d found some of the funny personality I used to have, I’d engaged a softer side of me I only felt around my family, and I felt safe with her. But could I have a relationship? Those involved staying in one place, and becoming an us instead of an I.
Could I do that?
I knew Sadie was fragile, and I was so hard and rough that I was like a bull running through a priceless glassware collection. If I didn’t stay on this path that we’d started with friendship, I’d shatter her and ruin everything.
But she was different, and I felt more like me when I was with her.
God damn it.
“I’ll think it over,” I lied, turning away from her again. Like there was anything to think over, I liked and wanted her too much to not convince her to take a chance on me. It was that simple. “And I’ll stop ignoring your calls.”