And then it hit me—if I didn’t calm down, my poor neighbor was going to call the police, and they’d break my door down to find me partially paralyzed with my vagina waxed together like an old fashioned envelope seal.
I had to breathe through it and get my shit together.
It took me a good couple of minutes, and my hands were still shaking, but I finally had enough control to rationalize the situation I was in. I could still feel my leg and wiggle my toes, so I wasn’t paralyzed per se. But I had consistent pain when I moved that leg, so something was definitely wrong.
Doing my best to keep the whole down there region off the floor, I did an awkward arse in air commando crawl to my phone, almost crying when I had it in my hand.
There was only one person I wanted right now, and she answered on the first ring.
“I thought you said you had something on tonight?”
“Beau,” I croaked, licking my dry lips. “I need your help.”
The humor left her voice, and she was all business when she replied. “What’s happened?”
“I can’t get up,” I whimpered. “It’s so sore.”
I could hear the sound of her moving around and picking stuff up on the other end of the line, but it didn’t stop my racing heart from trying to leave my body when I attempted to move again.
“Okay, honey. You stay where you are, and I’ll be right there. Just don’t move, okay?”
Move? Was she out of her fucking mind?
Given that she only lived a couple of minutes away from me and had a spare set of keys in case I lost mine, I knew I wasn’t going to be found dead on the floor with Dobby feeding off my carcass while I waited for her.
What I didn’t expect was for her to bring company with her when I heard the front door opening.
“Sadie? Where are you?” she called, but before I could reply, two other voices joined her.
“Are you okay? I brought Parker with me,” Ari shouted, and I heard the sound of feet walking toward me.
“Jesus, that’s such a weird-looking cat,” Bonnie gasped. “Why’s it looking at us like that?”
I didn’t hear what else was said because the door to my bedroom opened, and in it stood Beau looking worried when she found me on the floor.
“Shit, Parker, she’s—”
“No, no, no, no, no,” I screeched, reaching my hand up for her. “For fuck’s sake, not him.”
Dropping to her knees beside my head, she looked at the area around me worriedly until she stopped on the pot the wax had been in.
“What’s happened?” Ari asked, joining us and waving over her shoulder at something.
Christ, I hope whoever it was couldn’t see my reflection in the mirror. Granted, it was all hermetically sealed with wax, but still. I’d seen a horror movie once where a person was killed after a guy dipped them in hot wax. It’d dried over their nose and mouth so they couldn’t breathe, but I still remembered what they’d looked like after their body was found—pretty much how I bet my nunney looked right now.
“We’ll let you guys know as soon as we find out,” I heard Bonnie whisper, followed by the clicking noise my door made when it was shut by a gentle hand and not a wallop like I kept doing by mistake.
Groaning, I rolled onto my back, squealing when I moved my leg a little bit too far away. “I’ve got a problem.”
Instead of the laughter or chuckles I’d expected, there was nothing but silence from the three of them.
So, I forged on through the tale of stupidity. “I was bored, so I went on social media the other day and saw this ad for an easy to use and highly effective home waxing kit. It comes in all scents, and they even do one for sensitive skin. All it takes is a couple of minutes in the microwave.”—gripping Beau’s hand, I squeezed it as tightly as I could—“Don’t do it for any longer than that, trust me. After it’s melted, you just put it on with the spatula provided, let it cool, and pull it up going against the hair growth, not with it.”
Clearing her throat, Bonnie picked up the pot and read the instructions. “Impressive, you’ve covered all of the bases, honey. But, it doesn’t answer why you’re—” she waved her hand at me.
“It didn’t melt all at once, so I put it on for longer,” I croaked, nodding when all of them grimaced. “And I thought it would take too long using the stupid, fucking tiny spatula, so I just poured it all on.”
“Oh, God,” Beau murmured, holding her hand out for the pot. “Didn’t you stir it after the first microwave session?”
“It says to do that?”