“I can’t—” she wheezed, then squealed and held her hand up. “Did you pee? You dirty cow!”
It felt like someone stabbed me right through the gut and up my arsehole at the same time, and I dropped to my knees beside my sister, holding my stomach as I screamed in pain.“Okay, Sadie. It looks like your daughter’s coming into the world,” Parker announced as he stood between my legs staring right at my nunney. Actually, from what I’d seen on the stupid birthing videos my arsehole husband had made me watch, he’d probably be able to see right up my nunney.
Grabbing Elijah’s hand, I smiled wearily up at him.
After I’d ended up on the floor, all of the women had started screaming for Parker and Elijah that the baby was coming. Not wanting me not to have medical help for the drive to the hospital, Parker had insisted on driving us there as I lay in the backseat with my knees together. Yes, actually together. I wasn’t giving birth on the side of the road. I didn’t care if my vagina tried to evict her mid-journey, my knees weren’t separating and letting her out until we got somewhere sterile that had good drugs.
“Uh, Parker, do you want me to take the wig off?” a nurse whispered, standing next to him and staring at the blonde curls dangling over his face.
“No time,” he huffed and started barking out commands for what he needed.
Yes, he was my OB/GYN for this birth because Elijah trusted him more than anyone else. Because it was eleven o’clock at night, he had it in his brain that every other doctor in the world must be drunk, and he knew for a fact Parker hadn’t drunk a drop. God save me from stupid, stupid men.
Now my poor daughter was going to have a man dressed up like Freddie Mercury’s character in the music video as the first thing she saw.
“Her head’s starting to crown, Sadie. On the next contraction, I need you to push until I tell you to stop.”
And then Elijah took his life into his own hands by making a stupid mistake just as that contraction hit. He bent over me and said, “That’s it, pixie, you’re doing such a good job. Not long now.”
“What the fuck do you know?” I screamed, making everyone jump. “Have you done this? Have you? Squeezed a bloody whale out of your arse? If you have, then, by all means, tell me how it’s done.”
When he looked nervously at Parker, and I saw the expression on the good doctor’s face, he ended up on the receiving end, too. “And don’t you look at him like that. You can see the state my poor cooch is in, can’t you? Oh, bloody hell, it’s like someone wrapped a pineapple in barbed wire and tried to scratch an itch.”
Wincing, Elijah moved his hand to cover his crotch.
“Yes, come here and let me show you,” I snapped. “You should feel this pain, it’s your fault my vagina’s being ruined.” I ended it on a sob, feeling truly sorry for myself and the pain I was in.
“Uh, I’d hug her, Elijah,” Parker suggested. “But the screaming was a good way to squeeze the little princess out, look at that,” he added to the nurse beside him, pointing at whatever destruction had just happened to my poor little flower.
Opening my arms for the suggested hug, I would’ve laughed at the look of panic on Elijah’s face if it wasn’t for the pain. Hesitantly, like he was hugging a nuclear warhead, he leaned in and gave me the cuddle I wanted.
Well, that was until Parker shouted, “Okay, push again, Sadie. Give it everything.”
Grabbing a handful of Elijah’s hair, I lifted the top half of my body and screamed as I did as he’d said.
“I saw your brother’s penis!”
Our daughter came into the world, doing her best to make her presence known over the noise coming from her father and me. That was more than likely due to the curly blonde wig on her doctor’s head, with a face shield showing the gory reflection on my ravaged cooter, though.
Nine pounds and four ounces of beautiful, healthy baby girl was placed into her father’s arms, and even with his hair looking like he’d been attacked, I’d never seen a more beautiful sight in my life, and I’d been blessed with a lot.
Elijah leaned over as she was taken away to be cleaned up and gave me a tentative kiss. “Have you forgiven me yet?”
Exhausted from the trauma, I closed my eyes and gave him the best smile my facial muscles could muster. “Probably not. The first thing she saw was that.” I pointed at Parker, who held his middle finger up, not looking away from whatever he was doing down there.