Stepbrother Beloved

I say that, but inside (and not even very deep down either) I know I’m kidding myself. I don’t want Tanner as a roommate. I want him as a lover, a mate for life.

I’m starting to think the only thing for me to do is to move across the country, hidden in a library somewhere, out of sight and out of mind.

As if.

I flopped on my bed and stared up at the ceiling, my body still all charged up from when Tanner pressed me against him for just that one moment. It was like earthquake aftershocks or something and I couldn’t seem to chill, couldn’t seem to stop thinking about touching him again. Touching him more.

See, we were absolute total best friends, but that was back when we were kids. When he took off for boarding school (his dad saying it would ‘straighten him out’—ha! as if anything would) he was just a long-legged boy, his voice not even changed.

Tanner didn’t come home for a pretty long time. He stayed up at school through Thanksgiving and through Christmas break, I can’t remember why now. I missed him like crazy, but we never even got in the habit of emailing each other. Too young maybe, or maybe Tanner is just somebody you have to experience in person.

Anyway, what I do remember is that I said goodbye to this gangly kid—and there were tears, floods of them, mostly hidden from everyone—and then when he came back at the end of the school year, he was a man.

A man. A gorgeous, hot, amazing man. All that time hiking and climbing had paid off, I had to admit, because he had legs like tree trunks, he could run like a freaking panther, and he gave off this strong, healthy vibe that was so damn alluring.

I was younger but I’d matured too. I was so embarrassed when he kept staring at my breasts! It was June, bikini season, and even though I had mixed feelings about the attention I was getting at the pool, it was Tanner’s attention that confused me the most, although he never did anything or said anything outright.

He was my brother, my protector. And suddenly now that we were no longer kids, his gaze seemed to burn a hole in me, making me throb, making me wet. We had no idea how to handle all that.

Still don’t, Jamie would be quick to point out.

Tanner and I didn’t ever acknowledge how uncomfortable it had gotten between us. We just kept our distance, which was easy enough since he was away so much of the time. Of course the connection we had wasn’t forgotten, not at all…but it was like some wonderful prize pushed to the back of the closet, just out of reach. Something treasured whose moment is reluctantly past.

You know, maybe Jamie’s right, maybe I do need to get laid. I guess it’s possible that all this furor over Tanner is nothing more than hormones, and if I go ahead and pop my cherry, I’ll be able to see him as just a friend, like the old days. Suddenly having sex for the first time seems like the solution to everything.

I called Jamie up. “I’ve changed my mind about that thing.”

“Oh right. That thing. Sure. Right. I have no idea what the hell you’re talking about.”

I went as far into my closet as I could and whispered, “Getting laid.”

“Oh, that thing. Well, congrats! Awesome! Wanna go out tonight? And by the way, is Tanner home?”

“Yes. To both.” I stepped out of the closet and started panicking about what to wear. “You’ve got to come over,” I pleaded, desperation in my voice. “I have no idea what to wear when I’m hoping to lose my virginity.”

“Not a sports bra,” laughed Jamie. “Hmm, and probably not a maxi skirt, a wetsuit, or a—hell, Mags, don’t you know that you could wear anything at all and you won’t have any problem finding a guy to hook up with?”

“No, I don’t know that.”

“Well, first of all, you’re cute and even sexy, when you put down your textbooks and all. Maybe take your glasses off. And second, most guys are horn dogs. Not hard to find one willing.”

I grinned. Yes, it was true that this whole idea felt a little like I was completing an assignment for class, just crossing one more thing off a list, but on the other hand, now that I was letting these feelings out into the light of day? I admit, I was horny.

I was horny as hell.

Jamie told me to meet her at this bar called S. That was it, just S. It was almost hidden down near the river, among some old warehouses. I was careful once I parked to look around and make sure nobody was behind me—it looked like the kind of place you could get mugged or worse if you weren’t paying attention.

I felt sorta slutty. Jamie had talked to me on the phone for about half an hour, helping me with my outfit for the night: short skirt and platforms, plus a top that was so sheer you could see the lace on my bra, something I would ordinarily wear a cami under. I usually dressed pretty modestly—I mean, I’m all about getting good grades, you know? Not about hooking up with random guys, or going to bars much either, for that matter.

But to be honest, now that s-e-x was maybe finally gonna happen? I was freaking hot for it. The whole idea was really titillating even though I hadn’t even seen the guy, whoever he was.

So you’re thinking: But what about Tanner?

Well, yeah. I was thinking that too. But come on, it was time to face up to reality, that was never going to happen for a ton of reasons. We wanted different sorts of lives. We didn’t even really know each other as adults. He’s my brother.

Stepbrother! Step step step!

But the biggest reason, the one that no amount of rationalizing would get rid of, is that it was obvious he just doesn’t think of me that way. I’d always be the little sis, someone to tease. Love, sure, but not the kind of love I yearn for.

Not passionate love.

So I was walking toward the entrance to the bar, not in any hurry because hell, this was a big step I was taking and I was nervous. I was glad that more cars were pulling in to the parking lot so I felt safer. I got to the scratched-up door of the bar. There was just one little light on outside and “S” scrawled on it in red paint, like graffiti. No way you’d find this place if someone hadn’t told you exactly where to look.

Jamie—she always knows the cool places to go, what was in, what was out. That night I was feeling so grateful for her, thinking what would I do without her. I’d be wasting my best years mooning over something that was never going to happen, that’s what.

Gotta face facts. And thinking of that distracted look Tanner gave me, when he dropped his arm away from me—like he wasn’t even registering it was me—it’s super painful to remember, but it helps me steel my resolve to get popped and move on.

The bar was dark inside, and smoky, and I saw some bad-ass dudes at the bar with tattoos going up their necks, ripped-up leather jackets, boots with chains. I was just a girl who wandered out of the library for a few minutes, you know? Where the fuck was Jamie? I needed her. And a drink, stat.

I found an empty stool and sit down, hoping to be invisible even though I knew that’s the opposite of what I came for. Thank god Jamie came out from a back room. I was so happy to see her. The feelings of heat and excitement I had getting ready and then in the parking lot were starting to droop, because everything—chains! tattoos! big burly men!—was so intimidating.

“This is not exactly my type of place,” I said in her ear.

“Exactly!” answered Jamie, all enthusiastic. “You want this to be anonymous, not something that’s going to follow you into your life, get what I’m saying?”

“That makes sense. But these guys….”

“Hot, huh? So masculine. Didn’t you feel that blast of testosterone when you opened the door? I bet you’re going to have a rockin’ time, which is more than a lot of people can say for their first.”

“So tell me about your first, Jamie. I don’t think I’ve ever heard that story.”

“Nice try. We’re here to get you laid, not have Aunt Jamie’s Storytime. What about that guy over there, playing pinball?”

There was a loud old-fashioned machine in a corner but I could barely make out who she was talking about so I sauntered over,

pretending I knew what I was doing. The whole place was so dark you could practically have sex right there next to the bar and no one would be able to see you.

The guy Jamie was pointing out was big. He was strong. He looked like he could lift me up with one hand, no problem. His biceps were about to rip through the arms of his black T-shirt. He was scowling and whamming his hips into the machine which was going nuts with bells and music.

I scampered back and sat down on my stool. “Doesn’t he look…kinda mean?”

Jamie laughed. “I’m not getting that, but okay, you don’t like his vibe. What about the guy sitting right beside you? He looks more like a bad-ass professor, if such a thing exists.”

I spun slowly on my stool and took a sideways glance. I saw what she meant. He had on thick hipster glasses and was reading a book. And he was built like a damn truck and drinking shots of whiskey. A heavy lock of black hair flopped over one eye and I had the sudden urge to smooth it back. And then—this is so unlike me—I tried to get a look at his basket, but couldn’t really see in the dark.

I turned back to Jamie and shrugged. “Okay, maybe?”

“Talk to him,” she urged. And then she spun on her stool so she was facing the room, and I could see she was on her own hunt, and I was gonna be pretty much on my own from then on. For Jamie, a one-night stand was just fun, an evening’s entertainment, no different really from going to the movies. No big deal.