I also understood the feelings that must be rushing through his body when his erection pressed against my groin. And now it was my turn to groan. Oh my god. He was hard for me. Jake was hard. For me. And I wanted to reach out and touch him. Somewhere. Everywhere.
But just as my arms slid around his waist to draw him closer, he pulled back. We broke apart, and something like panic seemed to skitter across his face. Then his eyes darkened, brow furrowing. “Shit. I shouldn’t have done that. I’m sorry—”
“Don’t be sorry,” I said, looping my fingers into his jeans, wanting his arms around me again. Wanting his lips on mine. My heart was thumping so hard it seemed like it might jump out of my chest if he didn’t press himself against my front to keep it inside. “Just kiss me again.”
Instead, Jake pounded the countertop behind me with his bare fist, making the dishes and pans shake. “Shit!”
I wasn’t normally the jumpy sort, but the slam of his fist set off some reflex. I yelped, twisting away, and cowering a little bit by the dishwasher while Jake’s expression flashed from frustration, to confusion, to mortification. “Oh fuck me, Nicole. Could I be any bigger of an asshole? I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you…”
“I—I’m not. Scared of you, I mean. I wanted to be kissing you. I liked—I really liked—kissing you, I mean. I don’t—I don’t know why I jumped like that. Or why I’m stammering like an idiot now.”
His hand pushed through his dark hair, and he leaned back against the fridge with a sigh. “Given what you went through last night, we both know why. You’re not ready for this. Which is just one of the many reasons why I’ve got no fucking business kissing you. And which is why I need to take you home.”
I wanted to tell him he was wrong. Hell, I wanted to jump him and pull his clothes off and prove to him how wrong he was. But the fact that I was still trembling and couldn’t tell if it was from excitement or fear made me wonder if he wasn’t at least a little bit right.
Even so, I was terrified of rejection and wondering if there was something wrong with me that I didn’t understand why we had to be off limits together when we weren’t related by blood. And in the midst of this maelstrom of emotion, instead of doing something stupid, like I usually did, I somehow I reached down inside of myself and found the strength to be honest. “So are we supposed to pretend this kiss didn’t happen like we pretended the last one didn’t happen? Because I’m not okay with that.”
He took a deep breath as if he was ready to argue with me. But whatever he was going to say died on his tongue. Seeming to change his mind, he gave a little shake of his head and his big shoulders slumped a little. “No. We can’t pretend it didn’t happen. I guess I’m not okay with that either.”
I exhaled a breath of relief I hadn’t known I was holding in. “So what are we gonna do about it, then?”
~~~
What we did about it was play video games.
For him, I think it was a way of blowing off steam and delaying the inevitable discussion. But I didn’t mind, because I wasn’t ready to go home to my parents and the tension between us had been so high that a little down time was welcome.
With breakfast dishes forgotten, we sacked out on his couch with remotes, racing one another across his television screen in cars we could never afford. But if there’s anything Jake knew, it was cars, and he explained the benefits of his favorite to me only to watch me crash it on screen.
“This is why we can’t have nice things,” Jake said, laughing a little. He was a pretty serious guy normally, which was a shame, because he had a deep throaty laugh that made me tingle all the way to my toes. “You’re reckless!”
“I’m just willing to take risks,” I said, slinging my legs over his with a familiarity I knew made him uncomfortable, but which felt right to me at the time. “Besides, if I crash, all I’ve got to do is press the do-over button.”
He seemed unsure of whether or not he should rest his controller on my legs, then, ultimately, gave in. “I can’t decide if that’s a great attitude or a dangerous one.”
“Probably both,” I admitted. “But hey, you must believe in do-overs too, or you’d have never come back to this town. You’d have put us in the rear view mirror when you came back stateside, and never looked back.” He cringed a little bit, which prompted me to ask, “Why did you come
back, anyway?”
“Familiarity, I guess.”
He hesitated, as if he was going to say more, but then he didn’t.
“Familiarity? Well, that’s just sad. If I had the chance to get out of here, I’d go…I dunno. Everywhere.”
“You say that, but other parts of the world aren’t all that great.”
I cradled the remote on my chest. “I’m not talking about some war torn country. I mean, I dunno. Somewhere like Paris. Or even New York.”
“I knew you were going to say New York,” he said, with an unexpected smile. And sigh. That smile. It did more than turn me on. It made me happy. I liked making him smile. I liked it a lot.
I liked even more when he shook his head and said, “As an aside, you look crazy hot in my pajama pants.”
“Also as an aside, I look crazy hot in everything,” I flirted in return, glad that Carlos hadn’t been able to knock the spirit out of me completely.
Jake let out a long breath. “Yeah, you do, which always made it torture living with you. Knowing that I could look but not touch…”
“You weren’t the only one,” I blurted. “I had the hugest crush on you.”
He swallowed, staring down at me pensively. “You did?”
“You have no idea,” I said, fighting off an uncharacteristic blush to my cheeks. “So you could’ve touched me. You should’ve. We would’ve had a really good time.”
He frowned, which wasn’t the reaction I was hoping for. “No, we couldn’t have. That’s the problem. If there was ever anything between us, Nicole, it can’t just be for a good time. Not after everything my dad and your mom went through to find love and make a new family together. It’s not worth risking that just for a good time.”
Some part of me wanted to ask: Why the hell not?
But that was the reckless part of me. The part of me that crashed video cars and ended up with Carlos. And as much as Jake’s more thoughtful, cautious nature annoyed me…it also got through to me on some level. If Jake and I hooked up and our parents found out, they’d flip. Worse, if we hooked up and things went badly, Jake and I would be even more awkward together than ever. And if my mom and Larry started taking sides…