“Oh, Nick,” she said, her voice thick with tears.
And then I could almost see the door slamming shut in her brain.
She jerked her head back and that cool mask slid down over her features. “I don’t know what you want, but I can’t help you. I really need to go.”
“Julia, please! Just…have dinner with me. Coffee? I want to spend time with you, get to know you again—”
“I think I know you just about as well as I want to. Goodbye, Nick.”
“Are you just going to walk away?”
She looked right at me then and her eyes were blazing. “It must be a family trait.”
And then she was off, running down the stairs, and this time, I couldn’t bring myself to follow.
But I had to know. How much did she remember from the day of the accident?
~ ~
Do you ever look back at one day in your past and know that if you changed just one thing on that one day, your whole life would be different now? Do you bargain with God or the universe or whatever, and think about what it would be like to have the chance to get that one day back? I do.
It was almost three years ago now. I was home from college for the summer, and Julia had just graduated high school, getting ready to go off to college in about a month. Our parents had married during my senior year of high school, so we hadn’t spent much time living under the same roof.
But I’d spent a lot of that time getting to know her. Looking at her. Listening to her laugh. Trying to make her laugh, and honestly, trying to get her attention any way I could. The thing that worked best was to flirt with another girl when Julia was around. I’m not exactly proud to admit it, but there were plenty of times I did it. Like this one day.
Julia and I had a lot of friends in common, and on that day a bunch of us had driven out to the lake. It was a gorgeous day, too, maybe the best weather of any day of my life. We’d been swimming, most of us, and then we were all lying on blankets in the sand, while a breeze blew the smell of the pine trees across the lake to us.
I was lying on a blanket with this girl, Suzanne, and Julia was right nearby. I’d been flirting with this girl, and Julia kept looking over and I could see she wanted to say something, but so far, she hadn’t.
Suzanne traced her finger down my nose and said, “You have a broken nose. There’s a bump right here, and then it’s crooked.”
“Gee, thanks a lot,” I said, but I was laughing.
“How’d you break it?” she said.
“Oh, I don’t like to talk about it.” I could see that Julia had turned on her side to listen to us.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Suzanne said.
“Well, it’s just…it seems like bragging.”
“Come on!” Suzanne smacked my arm. “How’d it happen?”
“Well. There was this old lady crossing the street. A huge Harley was coming right towards her, and she didn’t even see it, so I ran over and pushed her out of the way at the last second. The motorcycle knocked me down and it ended up breaking my nose. Don’t tell anybody, though, okay Suzanne?”
“Wow! Why can’t I—”
“Oh my god!” Julia yelled. “That is such bullshit! You broke it falling out of a tree when you were ten years old!”
I laughed. “So? Maybe the old lady was standing under the tree, and I knocked her to safety as I fell.”
“You are so full of shit, Nick!”
“Are you gonna tattle on me to my dad?”
“No!” She got up. I could see by her face that she wasn’t really having fun joking around.
I got up too, and followed her down to the water. “What’s up, Julia?” I said.
“Nothing’s up. I just…don’t think you should lie.” Her voice was tight, strained.
“Aw, come on. I was just bullshitting. I don’t care what that girl thinks.”
“If you tell anything to that bitch Suzanne, she’ll spread it all over town.” She kicked the water, splashing me a little.
“Hey!” I said. “You’ll pay for that!” I knew if I could make Julia laugh, she’d get back in a good mood.
She was wading into the water quickly now. “Oh yeah? You’ll have to catch me first.”
“Are we racing? Are you challenging me?” I had to laugh at this, because I’d been on the swim team and Julia hated swimming.
She didn’t answer, but just started swimming away from me. I followed, keeping pace right behind her, grabbing her feet once in a while. But she wasn’t laughing—I could see by her face that she was still pretty pissed at me. I didn’t feel like bugging her any more, so I just started swimming. I knew her well enough to know that she’d get over it faster if I left her alone. We were both going parallel to the shoreline, and I figured she would swim enough to get over being mad, and then we could go back to hanging out. I wished I could take her in my arms.
So I just focused on the feeling of slicing through the water, and pulled ahead of Julia easily. I swam until I was starting to get tired, and then stopped to let Julia catch up. I scanned the water. Very few people were swimming. I didn’t see her among them. I started to swim back the way I had come, thinking I’d just missed seeing her—she looked a lot different with wet hair.
But she was nowhere.
Julia was gone.
Julia
“Seriously, Mom?”
“Yes, seriously, Julia. I was perfectly serious when I invited Nick to dinner, and he sounded perfectly serious on the phone when he said he would come.” My mom is kind of a smart-ass, but I wasn’t in the mood for it.
“I thought you knew I didn’t want to see him.” I rubbed the handle of a silver fork with the felt polishing cloth to avoid making eye contact with her.
My mom sighed. She sighed her way through my teen years, and here she was sighing again. She had also been through a lot after the car accident, and when I was in the wheelchair, she quit her job to take care of me. So I hated to give her a hard time, but this mattered to me.
“Why are you doing this to me?” I said.
“I’m not doing anything to you,” Mom said, rubbing the bowl of a tablespoon. “ He’s my son—”
“Stepson. Step!”
“Good lord. Okay, stepson. I don’t know what difference it makes. ‘Stepson’ sounds so cold. And we all know how everyone feels about stepmothers.” She made a goofy face then, trying to get me to smile, but I just couldn’t.
“It’s just more accurate. He’s not your real son.”
“He may not be my biological son, but I can still care about him, can’t I?” I made an annoyed sound, but my mom kept going. “And your father misses him, Julia. Even though he knows Nick was wrong, he still loves him.” I didn’t mind her calling Joe my dad—I called him Dad half the time myself. But that was different!
“Well, fine. I was planning to go to the library tonight anyway. I can just leave early and grab dinner in the cafeteria,” I said.
“Julia, I want you to be here.”
“Even knowing how I feel? Why?”
“Because it’s time you forgave him. Look how he’s making amends! Not every brother would give that kind of money to the hospital that saved his sister’s life.”
“Step! Step! Why can’t you say step!”
She sighed again. “It’s time to let this go. More than two years have gone by. And look at you! You’re fine now! Accidents happen. I don’t understand why you can’t just forgive and move on.”