Chapter 19
Aidan
Back inside the house, I find myself wandering around, at a loss. I’m never at a loss because there’s always plenty to do — homework, songwriting, working out, cleaning the bathroom — and I don’t normally have trouble getting on with whatever needs to be done, even cleaning.
But something’s eating at me, and I’m not sure what.
I’m standing in the doorway to the living room, hands in my pockets, not focusing on anything at all, when Dad, his attention still on the TV, says, “I like her.”
I get a strange feeling of pleasure at his words, as though his opinion of Amber were important to me. “I like her too,” I say.
I stare mindlessly at the screen for a few minutes and then go to my room, shutting the door behind me. Irritation is building up inside me, and when I’m alone in my own space, I realize there’s sadness welling up too. And then I know what’s wrong.
I miss Amber. I wish she were still here.
It takes me a minute to let that realization settle into my bones. I enjoy women, but missing them? It’s not something I do. It sets off warning alarms in my head.
There’s something about Amber I haven’t been able to resist, and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want a lot more of her. But I’m starting to suspect that she hasn’t had much experience — hell, I can tell she hasn’t had much experience.
She might even be a virgin, which is the last kind of girl I should be hooking up with.
There were moments today when it felt like we were a couple, and letting her get that idea will only set her up for hurt. She’ll expect us to do couple things, spend time together, go out on the weekends. I don’t want any of that.
I like Amber a lot. But even if I were in the market for a girlfriend, my life right now doesn’t have room for one. Between my class load, my work at the tutoring center, and the band, I don’t have time left over for relationship stuff.
Maybe I should stop all the messing around and just tutor her. I like to have fun with women, but I’m not out to hurt anyone.
My phone vibrates and I check my messages. I’ve got two from the band with updates about a time for our practice tomorrow. Not for the first time, I wonder if I should leave Throwback. I love performing with them, but the band takes a lot of my time, and I don’t want the same things the rest of the guys do. They’re a good group, and I love the music, but I really wish I weren’t being pulled in so many directions.
I toss my phone down on my desk where it slides into a stack of books. Letting out a sigh, I roll my head side to side to stretch my neck muscles, put on my earphones, blast some music, and start to study.
Chapter 20
Amber
I try to wait until Monday to see Aidan again, but on Friday I spot a flyer announcing a Throwback show at a place called Buzzkill just off campus, and by Saturday morning I know I won’t be able to stay away.
When Megan gets up, I ask her if she’ll go with me to the concert.
“Look who’s turning into the groupie party animal,” she teases as she pokes through our stash of snack food.
“I’m not—I hardly—” I start to protest but she interrupts me.
“I’m joking. Obviously I know why you want to go to the show. The one reason you want to go.”
“Well, they are a good band,” I say.
Megan snorts. “Yeah, you’re a big fan of the band.” She laughs. “Sure, I’ll go, if you don’t mind me ogling your boyfriend a little.”
“He’s not my—”
“Relax,” she says, opening a granola bar. “Is it okay if Eric tags along again? I told him we’d hang out tonight.”
“Of course.”
That night the three of us walk to the show together. The club is much bigger than the bar where I met Aidan, and the crowd there doesn’t seem quite as rough, but the place is packed and everyone seems to be there for the band. Throwback isn’t even on yet, and we can’t get anywhere near the stage.
“Want to push our way through, Amber?” Megan asks.
Before I can answer, Eric speaks up. “You’re not going to leave me back here.”
“You can come with us,” Megan says.
Eric raises an eyebrow. “I don’t need to be up close and personal with the band, thanks.”
“You didn’t have to come tonight,” Megan says to him.
“Right,” Eric responds, and I get the definite impression there’s a lot the two of them aren’t saying. The sudden undercurrent of tension makes me uncomfortable, so I break in. “I don’t want to go up front. I’m not throwing myself at him.”
“Why not? If I were you, I’d be throwing myself at him hard.” Megan gets a faraway look on her face and I know she’s picturing Aidan. On the other side of her, Eric rolls his eyes.
“Do you guys want something to drink?” he asks, changing the subject altogether. We give him our drink orders and he pushes through the crowd in the opposite direction from the stage.
Not long after, the chanting starts, just like at the bar. “Throwback! Throwback!” The first time I heard a crowd yelling the band’s name I was dazed and dazzled, waiting for my mystery man to come back to me, still tasting him on my lips.
I bite my lip at the memory, and realize there’s a new line of chanting starting to overtake the first. “Ai-dan! Ai-dan!” Though there are a lot of guys here, the female fans are more vocal. I get a sick feeling in my stomach as it’s brought home to me yet again how popular Aidan is with pretty much every woman who sees him.
Just as Eric gets back with Cokes for all three of us, the house lights go out and the buzz around us erupts into a roar.
I don't join in the cheering but instead take notice of the fluttering excitement in my chest. Beside me, Megan’s yelling loudly while Eric stands quietly behind her.
The stage lights up in brilliant blue, and Aidan’s suddenly front and center, mike in hand. Long gone, he wails, and the fans immediately start to join him in the song:
But not forgotten
Our love was sweet but now it’s rotten
You had to get your final shot in
But I’m gone, long gone
I can't see him as well as I'd like, but Aidan’s spark reaches me as if I'm right next to him. He's electrifying. Megan was right; I may have said I like the band, but the rest of the stage might as well be empty. All I see is him.
He’s wearing tight jeans and a black shirt and somehow seems sexier than ever. He struts across the large stage, playing off of the other band members when he’s not completely absorbed in the song he’s singing. I feel every emotion he’s sending out: longing, sorrow, pain, and raw need.
After the third song, Aidan takes a break to talk to the crowd. While he’s talking, three girls jump up onstage. In seconds,
they’re making a beeline for Aidan.
It all happens so quickly. My heart seems to stand still in my chest, but just before they reach him, two of Aidan’s bandmates hustle him away, getting between him and the girls. The rest of the band surrounds him, and they retreat offstage while two big, beefy guys come out and escort the girls away.
I’m more shaken up than I should be. Has this happened before? Is it part of what Aidan was talking about when he said he wasn’t sure about the band? I’m torn between a sick terror that something might have happened to him, the reminder that I don’t have the right to feel protective of him, and the cold reality that if I were Aidan’s girlfriend, I’d have to deal with this kind of attention all the time. I’ve already seen the milder form of it on campus.
The crowd boos and yells when the band disappears, but the interruption doesn’t last long. The same two bouncer guys take up position in front of the stage, arms folded, then Throwback comes out and resumes the show without a word about the incident.
I try to read Aidan’s expression. Is he amused? Irritated? But I’m too far back to make out the details of his face. He launches into another song, and again has the crowd singing along with him.
The show continues without more incidents. Once, when I manage to pull my eyes away from Aidan, I look over to see Megan leaning against Eric, who’s still standing behind her. Her expression is innocent, her attention fixed on the band, but Eric’s focus is entirely on her.
Throwback does two songs for an encore, a slow, bluesy number that they draw out with guitar and drum solos, then a hard-rocking anthem that has everyone in the place clapping, singing, and dancing. The energy carries us out onto the street, swept up in the crowd.
Like they were at the other venue, the band is out at a side door, signing autographs, this time with bodyguards overseeing the process.
“Do you want to?” Megan says, gesturing to the long line that’s already formed.
This time, I consider it. I’d like to see Aidan all pumped up from the show, all sweaty, in his element. But it would be a long wait — to say what? I don’t even know what we are to each other in his real life; I’m not sure I fit at all into this part of his world.