The Bookworm's Guide to Faking It (The Bookworm's Guide 2)

“Can we move on to where I’m allowed coffee now?”

My lips tugged to one side. “Are you going to hurt me if I say no?”

“My knee is perfectly positioned,” she said in a mildly threatening tone. “And I will use it.”

I held myself close to her for one more moment before I pushed off the bed and stepped back. “I’m going to shower. I’ll take it mine with cream and one sugar. Thanks.”

“Ooooh!” She reached around and grabbed my pillow, unceremoniously flinging it across the room at me.

Laughing, I darted into the bathroom and slammed the door right before the pillow hit it with a huge thunk.

“I would have hit you that time!” Holley yelled. “Pussy!”

I laughed even louder and turned on the shower.

Maybe, just maybe, there was a chance we’d somewhat repaired our relationship this morning.

And if not, I wasn’t about to give up on her.***My sister was a married woman.

The wedding was, well, a wedding. I didn’t know the difference between one or another, if I was completely honest. They were all the same, just in different clothes and in different places.

It was a miracle nothing had gone wrong with my family around.

My sister was as happy as could be. My dad was talking golf and baseball with Spencer’s dad, and my mother was finally breathing easy—but keeping a beady eye on my grandfather who’d been given hard liquor. That was not anything anyone here wanted to happen, especially since he had somehow cornered Holley.

“She’s very nice, Sebastian,” my great-aunt Elizabeth said from the table to my left, stopping me before I could get any closer. “Are you going to marry her?”

I took a deep breath and turned to her with a smile that I knew didn’t reach my eyes. “Early days, Aunt Elizabeth,” I replied. “Excuse me. I have to go and rescue her from Grandpa.”

She sighed but didn’t stop me as I made my way through the crowd of people to where Holley was staring wide-eyed at my grandpa.

“Grandpa,” I said, interjecting myself into the conversation. “You’re not being rude, are you?”

He looked at me with what looked a lot like a gin and tonic clasped in his left hand. “Rude? Me? We’re talking about the ducks! I think they might get some chickens!”

My eyebrows shot up and I looked at Holley. “Really?”

“Yeah.” The word was long with a hint of tiredness. “I didn’t know about the chickens, though. We’ve really got to ask for a breakdown of the expenses of that place.”

No fucking kidding.

“How are the ducks?” I asked my grandfather.

His eyes lit up. That was probably more down to the gin than the ducks, given his rants about them earlier this week. “Cheese and Quackers are my favorites.”

“Cheese and Quackers.” How the fuck I kept a straight face I’ll never know. “There are ducks called Cheese and Quackers?”

“Mm. Mabel likes a pun.”

Mabel.

Was she the one who liked my ass?

“Interesting names.”

“I told you they got worse than Quackie Chan.” Holley picked up her own glass and sipped through the straw. Her red lipstick matched the shade of her dress almost perfectly, and her blue eyes popped when they met mine. “There’s also James Pond.”

James Pond.

“But he’s a girl!” Grandpa input. “There’s also Quack the Ripper, El Quacko, Quackula, Pteroducktyl, and Phyllis.”

Phyllis.

Honestly, I didn’t know what to say.

“Phyllis is the boss,” Holley added. “Keeps Quackie Chan in line when he gets too big for his, er, pond, I guess.”

“I have no idea how I’m supposed to respond to all that,” I admitted. “Why Phyllis?”

“If you think Phyllis is the weirdest thing out of all those names, you need help.”

“She came with the name Phyllis,” Grandpa added. “I think Mabel ran out of puns, if you ask me. She’s too busy Googling you with Agatha to see if there are pictures of your butt on the internet.”

Holley tilted her head to the side, eyebrows raised. Her lips kept moving and I realized she was doing everything she could to fight back laughter.

“Don’t worry,” Grandpa continued, not noticing the subtle shake of her shoulders. “I called the police and reported her for harassment.”

I—

Nah.

I had nothing.

“Thank you?” I said slowly, trying not to catch Holley’s eye lest she burst into giggles. “That’s not alarming at all.”

“That’s why I called the police.” Grandpa tipped his imaginary hat in my direction and almost choked on his drink. “Oh, balls, here comes your mother!”

He moved faster than a man on a list for a hip replacement should move. He used both of his canes and left his now-empty glass behind, making use of the large crowd to disappear.

“Oh, darn it!” Mom put her hands on her hips. “Your grandfather keeps disappearing! He needs his medicine and a lie down!”

Good luck with that.

I pointed in the direction he’d just shuffled off in. “He went that way.”