Her throat thickened. She didn’t respond. It didn’t look as though he expected her to. He was in front of her now, and she was cornered. She dug her heels into the sand. If she screamed, would anyone hear? Would it even matter? Nobody was close enough to get to her in time. All she’d done was even the score. But maybe Beau didn’t see it that way. Maybe to him, she had a debt that was too great to pay.
He reached up. “Even with all that—”
“Stop.” Her heart hammered. She squeezed her eyes shut. Everything on her body was rigid except for her arms, curved gently over her stomach. “I’m p—”
“I forgive you,” he said. “I forgive myself. And I surrender.”
Her body shook, her breath stuttering out of her mouth, wispy little butterflies. She balled a hand at her chin over her mouth, surprised to find it wet. She hadn’t realized she’d been crying.
When she opened her eyes, his arms were spread as if to say it was all he had. She couldn’t see anything but him and his hawk-like wingspan.
“I don’t know if that’s what you wanted, Lola, but you win.”
Her chest deflated, relief and regret seeping through her. Surrender, forgiveness, victory. What was even left to win? What kind of prize was this to have fought so hard for? She shook her head. “That’s not why I left.”
“Then why?” He dropped his arms at his sides, his expression earnest, his thick eyebrows heavy in a different way than they just had been. “To escape? Or to get me to see?”
She shifted on her feet. “To see what?”
“I was stupid for you. You and I went deeper than anything, and I fought back out of fear. But I’m done making that mistake. My weapons are at my feet.”
She waited, but he didn’t continue. He hadn’t moved back even an inch.
“That’s it?” she asked. “That’s your apology?”
“I’m sorry I hurt you. But I don’t regret it. We wouldn’t be here if I hadn’t.”
“Here?” Her hands still trembled. She closed them into two fists. “This is a good place to you?”
“It’s where I should’ve been from the start. It was hell not knowing where you were. It opened my eyes, though, Lola. And like I said, now I finally see.”
Lola tried to shut the words out. She believed him—tormenting him with her absence was the purpose of her plan. But his surrender wasn’t, and it felt better than it should to hear he wasn’t finished with her yet. “We both set out to destroy each other,” she said. “How do I know that isn’t what you’re doing now?”
“Trust. Neither of us is good at it, but we each need it now. You know I love
you—it’s not a question of that. It’s a question of if you’ll let me. I do…love you.”
She paused. It didn’t shock her, but as his words registered, she realized that no matter how strongly she knew it in her gut, she’d thought she’d never hear him tell her he loved her. And that she’d somehow be okay with that. “I know you do. I always knew. You were the one who didn’t.”
“I do now. I get it. Put an end to this, Lola. I’ve repented. I’ve suffered. For you.”
“How do I know? I wasn’t there. I didn’t see any of it.”
“You chose not to. At least I looked you in the eye when I hurt you.”
Her cheeks flushed. She wanted to be the only one who was justifiably angry, but he was right—and it embarrassed her. “So what? That makes it better?”
“There’s no ‘better’ in this situation. We learn from our mistakes and move forward. I’m here to bring you home. To get the light back in my life.”
The sun disappeared behind the rocky horizon. Lola had goose bumps everywhere and sweat along her hairline. These were things she thought she’d never hear. She jutted her palms between them. “Can you just step back? This is making me nervous.”
He took her by the arm, his hand warm through her jacket, and pulled her closer to him.
Lola shrugged him off. “Not just the cliff.”
He took some steps away without turning his back to her. In their relationship, she’d always been the one out on a ledge, expected to trust him blindly. To get into a stranger’s limo, to uproot her life based on two nights.
“I’ve had a lot of time to think,” Lola said, off the overhang now. “A lot of time alone. I came here for answers because…you said you got them here.”
“Did you get them?”
She stuck a hand in her pocket, picked at some lint. “No.”
“I never said I got answers, Lola. I said I came here looking for them. I don’t like it here. It’s so fucking bottomless, it just makes me feel like I have no control at all. But what I did get here was perspective. And I’m glad those answers never came, because it taught me a valuable lesson. Only one person makes things happen in my life.”
“You.”
He nodded. “So that’s why I’m here. To do what it takes to fix this.”
She lifted her chin. “I got some answers, Beau, just not here. This is my life, and I decide. You don’t get to come here and tell me my trip is over and we’re back together.”
“I understand, but—”
“Don’t interrupt me. I’m not going to make the same mistakes I did with Johnny.”
Beau reeled back. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“I’m not coming back to L.A. because you say it’s time. I’ll do it when I decide it’s right for me.”
He worked his jaw side to side a moment. “I’ve told you repeatedly, I’m not Johnny. Your happiness is my priority, and from now on, that’s what drives my decisions. I’m here to take you home because I believe it’s in your best interest.”
“Why is it always what you say?” she asked, her voice rising. “When do I get to decide?”
He showed her his palms. “We’re a team. You never have to be anything other than you when you’re with me. You said it yourself that first night—I didn’t choose you because I was looking for someone to roll over and take it.”