The excitement of my impending visit to Dallas set in as I waited for a cab to the airport. Soon I would be home and discussing options with my dad, the only man I could really trust to look out for me. I had planned to sleep on the plane, but my thoughts kept my mind alert.
Dad greeted me at the airport with a big, comforting hug. With one look, I realized how much I needed to talk to him.
He took me straight to the clubhouse at his golf course, appalled by my weight, even though I was beginning to put some back on. There, he ordered enough food to cover the table.
With concern etched in his face, he listened to an abbreviated version of the last month. I told him that the night before, I’d gone to Bill’s and ended it once and for all.
“I can’t say I ever thought Bill was good enough for you,” he responded.
“I know, Dad. You weren’t great at hiding it.”
“I didn’t want to interfere, but I’m glad you figured it out. So I thought this trip was to introduce me to the new guy. He afraid of your old man?”
“No. We’re still figuring things out, and he had a family emergency.”
“You don’t seem too happy. Concerns me. Frankly, I don’t want you jumping from one unhappy relationship to another.”
“It’s not that David doesn’t make me happy. It’s that he makes me sublimely happy.”
He looked me up and down. “Not sure what that means.”
“He’s wonderful, Dad. One of Chicago’s best architects.”
At this he perked up. “That so?”
I nodded fervently.
“You in love?”
I didn’t answer, but said, “I think you’d really like him.”
“I’d say he has the advantage after Bill.”
“Bill’s not that bad,” I scolded.
“He doesn’t make you ‘sublimely’ happy. You settled with him.”
“Mom has temporarily disowned me,” I said, purposely changing the subject.
He laughed lightly. “Of that I have no doubt. I’m sure she said you were your father’s daughter.”
“In so many words. But I’m not. Dad, I cheated on Bill. There’s no way around it. David and I started things months ago. And it’s hard for me to tell you,” I said, sniffling, “because I know you’re disappointed. But I’m the bad guy here. Not Bill.”
“I’m not disappointed.”
“Yes, you are,” I said, wiping my eyes. “And you should be.”
He was silent as he spun his water glass on the table. “I guess now is as good a time as any to tell you this. Your mom was right about a lot. I met Gina while we were still together.”
The restaurant suddenly became very loud, silverware clinking, people talking at unnatural volumes, and the light pouring through the windows was blindingly bright. I stared at my dad, the man I’d not only looked up to my whole life, but who I’d idolized and who I’d chosen to believe over my mother. All these years, she’d tried to tell me, but I’d shut her out.
“Now, don’t give me that look, like a damn frightened owl. I have no regrets about what I did.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” I breathed.
He pulled on his chin. “You were so broken up about the divorce. I didn’t want to make things worse for you. I was afraid you’d get so upset that you’d ask to live with her instead of me.”
“Don’t you think I should’ve been able to decide that for myself?” I asked, my temper rising.
He shook his head but didn’t speak.
“Why are you telling me this now?”
“Because sometimes we make mistakes, and we learn from them. I want you to learn from my mistakes. But sometimes, Liv, it turns out the mistakes we make aren’t mistakes at all.”
“Cheating on mom wasn’t a mistake?”
“I’m not proud of it, but it happened. I’m not ashamed to say that for Gina, I’d do it again.”
“But . . .” I paused. “Mom told me she wanted me to live with her. Why didn’t she fight for custody if you’d been unfaithful?”
“She put her own daughter in the hospital. She wasn’t about to spend the lawyer’s fees when she knew I’d use that against her. And as a guarantee, I agreed to a much higher alimony if she didn’t pursue it.”
Blood drained from my face. “You paid her not to fight for custody?”
“She accepted more money not to fight for you. Without hesitation. Think about that. Like I said, I don’t regret it. Your mother couldn’t care for you the way I could, sugar, financially or otherwise. I hate to think how you would’ve turned out if she’d had her way.”
My mother didn’t actually want me. I had suspected all along, but it was just another feeling I tried to ignore. Now I knew it was true. She didn’t have it in her to love me the way a mother should love her daughter. Her only daughter. Many times growing up, before Dad and I had left, I’d had the vague sense that she loved him more than me and that I’d taken a piece of him away from her.
She was cold, like me. Dad did his best to protect me, but it seemed that I’d turned out like her anyway, just like Bill said. Now there was my dad to deal with. He’d cheated and worse, he’d lied, to me of all people. My rock. My idol.
“Olivia?”
“Did you love her?” I asked, meeting his concerned stare.
“Your mother? I loved her in the beginning, but she had so much anger, and she became so difficult toward the end. Gina came along when I needed someone the most. And that night . . . the night in the hospital? I almost died of regret for not getting you out of there earlier. And for putting you through that. There was no question that it was the right time for me to get out. Gina was there with me the whole way.”
I gaped at him as something occurred to me. “But I didn’t meet Gina until years later.”