I ran the back of my hand over my wet cheeks. There was nothing left to say. I knew there’d be consequences to my choices; this was one of them.
Even though the love of my life was right next to me, I missed him keenly in that moment. I folded into myself like a wilting flower, my petals browning at the edges and dropping one by one without David’s nourishment. I needed to be held by him, to be revived by his love. And he was so close, within reach, but he seemed far away.
I eased out of bed and tiptoed over to the window. Soft snow danced across the glass in beautiful chaos. The view of Chicago’s cityscape from the top of the building was stunning as always, sleeping but still alive. It was powerful, raw, dark. I couldn’t help losing myself in it, and I didn’t know how long I stood there.
The first time I saw David smile at Lucy’s engagement party, it had nearly knocked me off my feet – how did I not know then that I was in love? Then there was the first time I saw all of him, still mysterious and sinister, even when he was stripped down to nothing. Or when he let me cry into his chest after we’d made love at the Gryphon hotel. It had been that moment when I knew I was caught in a storm with no shelter.
I jumped at David’s touch. His arms slid around my shoulders from behind and pulled me into him. “Honeybee,” he whispered in my ear.
My tears had dried, but I was shaking. “I don’t want to lose you,” I said to the window. “Stay. I want you to stay.”
We sat that way for a while. When my trembling subsided, his body dislodged from mine, leaving me bereft. I closed my eyes at the loss, but it wasn’t long until he returned. His arms went back around me, and his lips came to my ear. “Were you afraid earlier?”
“No,” I whispered. “I trust you.”
His grip on me tightened. “Even though I knew it wouldn’t change my mind, I thought a lot today and last night. I thought about life with and without children. About life,” he paused, and I felt his tentative breath, “without you.”
My hands began to shake again as I realized what was coming. I pulled away, and he let me. This is it. Everything could go away after this. Everything. Was it all a dream, a fantasy?
When I couldn’t take it anymore, I turned to look at him. The moon was bright enough that I could see everything on his face. His eyes were so clear and determined that I touched my palm to my heart in surprise. And I knew that whatever he said next would be the truth. His eyes were his soul. They had never lied to me, and for that I would always be grateful. “David,” I prompted, not recognizing my own voice.
“There’s nothing in this world I want more than you, Olivia.”
I laced my trembling fingers over my chest. My heart jumped into my throat. “But?”
“But nothing.”
My eyes watered, threatening a celebration of tears. “David?”
He placed a hand on the side of my neck, leaned into my ear and uttered, “I would kill for you. I would die for you. You are my everything. If you don’t want children, then we won’t have them. And if you change your mind, that’s fine too. Just know that nothing can keep me away.”
I choked back a sob.
He drew back to look at me again. “If it’s you and me for the rest of our lives, well, I can’t really complain about that.”
I threw my arms around his neck. “Oh, David,” I whispered. “Do you know how much I love you? More than the moon, the stars, the world. You’re everything I never dared to dream.”
He shuddered under my body. He pried my hands away and stepped around me to stand in front of the window. He looked alert in a way I’d never seen, nervous even. His hair was spiky from sleep. He was big, always dark and brooding in his own way, and so incredibly gorgeous in just his underwear standing with his back to the city.
“What – ”
“I want that life with you too,” he interrupted. “Traveling, eating, making love, sleeping next to you, waking up to your beautiful face every morning. That’s what I want.”
My gaze dropped to his hand, which I now noticed was tightly curled around something. Before I could ask, in one fluid motion, he dropped to one knee. His fingers unfurled. On his palm sat a black velvet box. My eyes darted between it and his face.
“Were it anyone else, I would’ve walked away in the beginning. Were it anyone else, I would’ve fucking stayed away. But it’s not. It’s you. It always has been, and always will be, you.” He opened the box, and I blinked slowly at the ring. “Marry me, Olivia.”
Fresh tears welled, but I inhaled them and laughed. “You can’t say ‘fuck’ in a proposal,” I informed him.
“I just did.”
I took a step forward, sat on his bent knee and wrapped my arms around his neck. I rubbed my face against his bristly cheek, and in his ear, said, “Yes. You are my love, my home. Yes.”
His shoulders underneath me deflated with an exhale, and I pulled back to look at him. It was my favorite thing in the whole world, the boyish, blissful smile on his face. Happiness.
He caught my lips with his, both of us smiling through a series of small, sweet kisses. His hand grasped for mine until he found it. We both watched as, slowly, he slid the platinum ring, glinting and magnificent in the moonlight, onto my finger. The band was slight but the cushion-cut diamond was not. It was large and blindingly beautiful, simple and clear.
I shook my head in awe, unable to tear my eyes away. “How did you know?”
“Why wouldn’t I?” he asked, confused. “When I said earlier that I was looking for something, it was this. I looked for it all day, but the second I saw it, I knew it was right.”
I glanced up at him and after a moment, released the breath I’d been holding. I nodded. “It’s right. So right. Everything is right.”
EPILOGUE
I SHIFTED THE GROCERIES into one hand and squinted up at my beautiful husband as we waited for the signal to cross the street.
“You’re staring,” he told me.
“Sorry,” I said but didn’t look away. I blinked. “Oh, shit! I forgot Manchego cheese. We can’t have a Spanish feast without Manchego.”
“Certainly not,” he said with a half-smile. “I’ll run back. Wait here?”
“Where would I go?”
We’d driven in to the city for one of David’s events the night before and had stayed at the apartment. Now, we were buying last minute groceries before heading back to Oak Park.
He dropped his plastic bags. In one swoop he embraced me, bending me backward over one of his arms while the other circled my hips. I squealed just as he locked his lips over mine in a passionate kiss.
“What was that for?” I asked breathlessly when he pulled away.
“Nothing, honeybee. I just couldn’t go another second without doing it.”
A large, all-co
nsuming smile overtook my face as I blushed.
“Actually, that’s why,” he said quietly, running his thumb over the corner of my mouth. “I’ll be right back.” He gently righted my body, steadying me when I swayed slightly. His kiss still had that effect on me.
When he turned away I was hit by a familiar glare from across the street. Bill, now my ex-husband, was seated on the patio of a café with Lucy and Andrew. I froze as his eyes bored into me, sending a chill down my spine. Unable to look away, I returned his stare. He blinked finally and turned back to Lucy, who appeared to be mid-story as she gestured in Bill’s direction. Andrew rubbed her back as she talked. She wore her hair even shorter than she used to, whereas I had let mine grow in the two years since I’d seen her. They all broke out in laughter simultaneously, and my heart tugged. For a moment, I entertained the thought of going over to say hello but fear glued my feet to the concrete.
I’d reached out to Lucy once more since her e-mail, but nothing had come of it. It took a while, but I eventually realized that for her, the friendship was over. She and Gretchen had made up and remained close, so I heard bits and pieces of her life that way. I could see, even from a distance, that she was happy, but I still missed her friendship.
Bill, on the other hand, had made it hard to miss him. The six months David and I waited for the divorce were grueling. Though David assured me he was fine keeping our engagement a secret, I wanted him to know how proud I was to wear his ring. Bill didn’t hide his disgust. Fortunately, he and David never laid hands on each other again, but there were times I thought David would push him through the wall for the way he spoke to us during the proceedings. A year and a half had passed since we’d seen him, but from the look in his eyes just now, nothing was yet forgiven. It made me all the more sure that I’d made the right decision.