She didn’t deserve someone like Carter. Funny, intelligent, gorgeous Carter who could have any woman on a plate and who frankly liked the smorgasbord approach. Her eyes watered and it hurt because they were still sore from her earlier howling. Pathetic. What she needed was to pull herself together and move on. For there was no way she’d stay any longer in Sydney now. Her skin had been burnt from her body—leaving her raw and bloody and too hurt to bear any salt. And, with the memory of a few days of happiness it would hold for ever, Sydney was all salt.
CHAPTER TEN
CARTER was furious. And desperate. Penny had jumped up so fast, and he’d followed only to trip, having totally forgotten that his damn trousers were still round his ankles. In the three seconds it had taken to yank them back up, she’d vanished.
He went to her flat. She wasn’t there.
He went to her work. She wasn’t there.
He went to her favourite club. She wasn’t there.
He went to every open-late café in the neighbourhood, and the neighbourhoods beyond. And then back to the beginning again.
She still wasn’t anywhere.
He searched all damn night. But he couldn’t find her. Nor could he think of what to say or do when he did. He was beside himself. So upset for her and mad with his stupidity. Hadn’t he always said it—the details, it was always in the details.
He hadn’t realised the absolute horror of the detail.
Poor Dan. Poor Penny. Poor everyone in their families.
How did anyone get over that? What could he say that could possibly make it better for her? There was nothing. He felt so useless. Right now he was useless.
No wonder she’d been worried about how he’d spoken to Aaron-the-flowers-man. No wonder she skated through life with only the occasional fling with a confident player. She was terrified of intimacy. And he didn’t blame her.
And she was right, he hadn’t signed up for this. He hated this kind of complication, hadn’t ever wanted such soul-eating turmoil. He liked fun, uncomplicated. Not needy.
But it was too late. Way, way too late.
He had too much invested already. Like his whole heart.
And despite the way she constantly uprooted her life, she couldn’t stop her real nature and needs emerging. She was the one who knew all about the security guard’s family, she was the one running round mothering Mason. She couldn’t stop herself caring about people. She couldn’t stop forming relationships to some degree. But she couldn’t accept anywhere near as well as she could give.
Yet surely, surely in her heart she wanted to. That perfect boyfriend she’d described in her emails wasn’t the ideal she thought her family would want, it was her own secret ideal.
Yeah, it was there—all in the details. That was her projecting the innermost fantasy that she was too scared to ever try to make real. Well, he could make her laugh. He’d dine and dance with her and take her away on little trips every weekend. He’d be there for her. Always there. Companionship. Commitment. For ever and happy.
Yeah, maybe there wasn’t anything he could say to make it better. But there was something he could do. He could offer her security. The emotional security and commitment he’d sworn never to offer anyone. For her possible happiness he’d cross all his boundaries. She needed security more than he needed freedom.
Anyway, he wasn’t free any more. He was all hers.
He just had to get her to accept it. As he’d got her to accept taking physical pleasure from him, he’d help her accept the love she deserved.
Somehow. He just didn’t know how the hell how.
As he drove round and round the streets he rifled through his pockets to find Matt’s number. He didn’t care about calling New Zealand at such an insane hour. He needed all the details he could get to win this one.
Penny rang Mason’s doorbell, so glad he was having another day at home and she didn’t have to go into the office. He opened the door and greeted her with a big smile. She tried so hard to return it but knew she failed. Nervously she followed him through to the lounge. But her fast-thumping heart seized when she saw someone was already sitting in there. Someone dishevelled in black jeans and tee with shaggy hair, stubble and hollow, burning eyes.
‘Don’t mind Carter.’ Mason grinned, apparently oblivious to the tortured undercurrents. ‘Is that for me?’ He nodded at the envelope in her hand.
Penny couldn’t take her eyes off Carter, but he had his eyes on the envelope.
She handed it to Mason, amazed she hadn’t dropped it. It took only a moment for him to read it. Miserably, guiltily, she waited.
The stark disappointment in Mason’s expression was nothing on the barren look of Carter’s.
‘I’m really sorry, Mason,’ she choked out the inadequate apology.
‘That’s okay, Penny. I’m sure you have your reasons.’
He left the sentence open—not quite a question, but the hint of inquiry was there. She couldn’t answer him. She didn’t even blush—her blood was frozen.
‘Well, you’ll stay and have some tea?’ Mason asked, now looking concerned.
‘I’m sorry,’ she said mechanically. ‘I really have to go.’
‘Right now?’ Mason frowned.
‘That’s okay.’ Carter stood, lightly touching Mason’s shoulder as he walked past him. ‘I’ll walk you out, Penny.’
‘You don’t have to do this, you know,’ he launched in as soon as the front door closed behind them. ‘I’m leaving later. You can stay and carry on like normal.’
‘It’s got nothing to do with you,’ she lied, devastated to hear he’d made his plans out of there. Even though she knew he would have.
His lips compressed. ‘You’re happy here, Penny.’
No, she’d been deluding herself. Pretending everything was fine. But he’d come along and ripped away the mirage and shown her just how unfulfilled she really was. It was all a sham.
So she’d go somewhere new and start over. Maybe try to stay there longer, work a little harder on settling. Because now she knew her current way of doing things wasn’t really working. It was just a façade.
She knew she’d never forget what had happened between them, but she couldn’t stay in Sydney and be faced with a daily reminder of how close she’d been to bliss. ‘It’s time for me to move on anyway.’
‘So you’re quitting? You’re just going to run away?’ Carter’s composure started to crack. ‘What about Mason? What about the company? You’re just going to up and leave him in the lurch?’
‘I’m just a temp, Carter.’
‘You’re not and you know you’re not,’ he said sharply. ‘That old guy in there thinks the world of you. Jed thinks the world of you. All the guys think the world of you. I—’ He broke off. ‘Damn it, Penny. These people want you in their lives.’
‘Give them a week and they’ll have moved on.’
‘While you’ll be stuck in the same hell you’ve been in the last seven years.’ He shook his head. ‘You can’t let what Dan did ruin the rest of your life.’
She wasn’t going to. But she knew what she could and couldn’t handle and she couldn’t handle the responsibility of close relationships. It scared her too much. And it wasn’t just what Dan had done—it was what she’d done.
‘It was just as much me, Carter,’ she said with painful, angry honesty. ‘I was a spoilt, immature bitch who shredded his world. I was horrible to him.’
‘He was high, Penny. You know they found drugs in his system. He was struggling with school, with sporting pressure, feeling left behind by your success. He had depression. You didn’t know that at the time.’
Oh, he’d got the whole story now. He must have talked to Matt. And even though she knew those things were true, she still felt responsible—certain her actions had been the last straw for Dan’s fragile state. ‘But I should have known, shouldn’t I? If I’d cared. Instead I lost patience. I told him he needed to man up. I was insensitive and selfish.’ She admitted it all.
‘It was my fault.’
‘No.’ Carter put heavy hands on her shoulders. ‘You didn’t kill him. That was a decision he made when he was out of his mind on pot and booze. He was sick.’
‘And I should have helped him. Or found someone to help him. I should have told someone about the breakup.’
‘There were many factors at play. What happened with you was only one of them.’
If only she’d told someone how badly Dan had reacted. If only she’d told Isabelle that he was really upset and to watch him. But she’d been too selfish to even think of it. She’d gone home feeling free—because he’d become a drain on her. But he’d gone home and decided which way to kill himself.
Even now, her self-centredness horrified her.
‘Don’t shut everybody out, Penny. Don’t let two lives be ruined by one tragic teenage mistake.’