He rests his forehead against mine. “We can’t.”
“We couldn’t ten minutes ago. Now we can. We so can.”
“No, I mean, we actually can’t.” He takes my shoulders but seems to brace me instead of pull me off. “I don’t have any condoms. I wasn’t expecting . . .”
Score. The red light is actually green. I smile as I suck the skin right underneath his jaw, leaning my weight on him. He’s unmistakably hard against my belly. “I’m on birth control.”
His head falls back. “Doesn’t matter. I won’t.”
I might be insulted at his insinuation if I weren’t so eager to move this along. “I’m clean. Rich and I haven’t even been intimate in a month. Are you?”
“Yes, but . . .” He finally succeeds in detaching my mouth from him. “But I just can’t. It’s not a conversation for the heat of the moment.”
The last thing I want to do is get into another deep conversation.
“I’ll go get condoms,” he says. “Make coffee while you wait. That’ll give us each time to think this through.”
I was wrong. Talking isn’t the last thing I want to do. The last fucking thing I want to do is think. I’m not worried I’ll change my mind, or that I need time to get over Rich. It’s that I’ve fantasized about this so long—urgent need, hunger, a real man. After years of dulling everything around me, including sex, I want to be devoured by Finn. I don’t want to talk or think because I’m so hot for him, I’m about to strap on a harness and climb him like the mountain he is.
If he won’t fuck me, there are other ways to get close to him.
I drop to my knees on the kitchen tile.
“Halston.” I hear the warning in his voice.
“You don’t have to do anything,” I coo, blinking up at him. “Just stand here.”
His eyes darken. “I’m bigger than you’re used to.” Another warning.
“How do you know?”
“I just do.”
I pull his pants down his thighs. His heather-gray boxer-briefs outline every ridge and vein of him. He’s right. He’s not like any of the other three men I’ve been with, but at least I’m not intimidated.
“I’m not as hard since I just came,” he says. “I will be once you touch me.”
Oh.
He’s not completely hard yet?
Fuck.
He pinches my chin and turns my face up to him. “You have nothing to prove. We can go lie down until we fall asleep. I just want to be with you.”
“I haven’t done this much,” I say, determined. Rich was the only man I felt comfortable enough to blow. He liked it at the start of the relationship, but we fell into a routine that didn’t include it unless he asked. Which he didn’t. “You might have to sort of, you know, coach me.”
He shakes his head in disbelief. “I stand corrected. You didn’t even have to touch me to get me fully hard.”
I blush. “You like the idea of me being your student?”
“Let’s take it one step at a time, all right? I can’t manage roleplaying on top of this.”
“So that’s a yes?” I run my hands up his thighs.
“I don’t want to take advantage of you.”
“You already said that. But if you don’t, how else will I earn my ‘A’?”
His nostrils flare. With his eyes on me, he pulls himself out. I glance down, and my heart skips. Now I’m intimidated. I can’t handle all that, especially with my lack of experience. What if I don’t do a good job? What if after all this build up, I’m just okay? We’ve based important decisions on our chemistry, and if it isn’t there, where does that leave us?
I glance up at him. Finn’s been respectful so far, but now I wonder if I pushed too hard. There’s an edge to him that both thrills and unnerves me.
“I love when you look at me like that,” he says. “So innocent, and yet so far from it at the same time.”
I put my hand around his shaft, test him with my tongue, and meet his eyes. I’ve heard men like that, and he just told me as much. I open my mouth, determined to take all of him, but I only get halfway before I have to pull back. I play it off like I wasn’t even trying. He’s sticky and salty from earlier, and the thought dampens my underwear.
I run the tip of my tongue around his crown. “Tell me what to do.”
With a moan, he runs his fingers through my hair and takes my roots in a light fist. “You’re perfect.”
“Tell me.”
“Suck,” he says. I put my mouth on him and pull, bobbing my head back and forth. I do it until my jaw aches and he says, “Yeah. Like that. Deeper.”
I inhale through my nose and take as much of him as I can, and then even more. My mouth is crammed with him when I go too far and gag. I jerk back. My throat constricts as I gasp for air. “I’m sorry,” I wheeze.
“That my cock’s too big for your mouth?” he asks, gravel in his voice. “I’m not. And you won’t be later, either.”
I wipe saliva from my chin. “What?”
His grin borders on sinister as he takes my upper arm. “Come up here.”
“Am I that bad?” I ask, standing.
“No. I’m stopping you so I don’t come now and end the night early.” He takes my face in his hands and leans in.
I pull away. “I just gave you a blowjob.”
“And?” He holds me in place and kisses me full on the mouth. “You better get un-squeamish, Hals.” He lowers his voice, trailing kisses down my neck. “So I can kiss you when I want. Touch you where I want. Fuck you how I want. You can always say no, but just assume I want all of it.”
Hals. Nobody’s ever called me that before. I raise my chin toward the ceiling, exposing my neck for him. I think I was going to ask him what “all” he’s referring to, but I’m quickly losing my train of thought.
Finn embraces my waist and lifts me, walking me backward. He sits me on a surface. “The kitchen table?” I ask.
“Of course. This is where I eat all my meals.”
Before I can ask what he means, Finn attaches his lips to mine like he needs my breath to keep him upright. He tugs my blouse from my skirt, separating from me only long enough to pull it over my head.
Planting a paw-like hand on each side of me, he traps me where I am. “Let me see you.”
I sit up straight. Our mouths almost touch. Sucking in my tummy, I reach back and unclasp my bra. My breasts are one area I’ve never had complaints, but when I lost weight, they got a little smaller. Rich and I slept together less and less over the past few months, even though he made sure I knew how much better I looked thinner.
Finn nods once, urging me on, and I slide both straps down my shoulders.
He stares while I try not to look at his cock, hard and reaching between us. “What the fuck’d I do to deserve these?” he asks, thumbing one of my hardening nipples. “You’ve got the tits of a . . . I don’t even know. A chick with great tits.”
I can’t really blame him for going dumb. I did too a couple minutes ago. I’m more concerned with what he thinks of the rest of me. Finn’s the most attractive man I’ve ever been with.
The elastic of my skirt and tights creates a roll of fat. Like my breasts, it’s smaller than it used to be, but Finn doesn’t know that. “Finn?”
“Hmm?” Without looking away from my breasts, he runs a hand under my skirt and licks his lips. “Can I just . . . taste you everywhere and all at once?” he asks.
I smile shyly, and finally, he looks back into my eyes. “You like it?” I ask.
“Like what?”
“All of it. Some of it?”
He squints at me. “You’re asking if I find you attractive?”
My chest tightens. If he says no, I don’t trust myself not to react badly. I shouldn’t’ve asked when tonight’s been going so well. “You don’t have to answer.”
Propping himself up with one arm, he scoops his other around my waist and hauls me to the edge of the table. My legs open wider, automatically wrappin
g around him as he pushes his cock right up against me. I gasp louder than I mean to.
“It likes you,” he says. “I like you.”
“Yes, but—”
“It wants to be inside you. I want to be inside you.”
“Okay.” I blush. “I get it.”
He moves against me slowly, every nuance of his shaft sliding between my legs, over my silky tights. “It wants to make you feel so good, you’re ruined. Right here, right now. I won’t let it, not tonight anyway, but that’s what it wants.”
I begin to quiver. The table is cold, even through my stockings. He’s all man, bordering on Neanderthal, and I’m certain sex with him will be unlike anything I’ve ever experienced.