But where is Deborah? Deborah, you have got to tell me ... He folded back the cloth, tumbling the newer dolls on each other, were they crying, somebody was crying, no, that was the baby screaming in the cradle, or Antha on the roof. Or both of them. Flash of Julien again, talking rapidly in French, down on one knee beside him, I can't understand you. One millimeter of a second, and gone. You're driving me crazy, what good am I to you or to anyone if I am crazy?
Get these skirts away from me! It was so much like the nuns.
"Michael!"
He groped under the cloth--where?--easy to tell for there lay the oldest, a mere stick thing of bones and one over from it, the blond hair of Charlotte, and that meant that the frail little thing between them was his Deborah. Tiny beetles raced from beneath it as he touched it. Its hair was disintegrating, oh, God, it's falling apart, even the bones are turning to dust. And in horror, he drew back. He had left the print of his finger in its bone face. The blast of a fire caught him, he could smell it; her body all crumpled up like a wax thing on top of the pyre, and that voice in French ordering him to do something, but what?
"Deborah," he said, touching it again, touching its little ragged dress of velvet. "Deborah!" It was so old his breath was going to blow it away Stella laughed. Stella was holding it. "Talk to me," she said with her eyes squeezed shut, the young man beside her laughing. "You don't really think this is going to work!"
What do you want of me?
The skirts pushed closer around him, mingling voices in French and English. He tried to catch Julien this time. It was like trying to catch a thought, a memory, something flitting through your mind when you listened to music. His hand lay on the little Deborah doll, crushing it down into the trunk, the blond hair doll tumbling against him. I'm destroying them.
"Deborah!"
Nothing, nothing.
What have I done that you won't tell me!
Rowan was calling him. Shaking him; he almost hit her.
"Stop it!" he shouted. "They're all here, in this house! Don't you see? They're waiting, they're ... they're ... there's a name for it, they're hovering ... earthbound!"
How strong she was. She wouldn't stop. She pulled him to his feet. "Let me go." He saw them everywhere he looked, as if they were woven into a veil that was moving in the wind.
"Michael, stop it, it's enough, stop ... "
Have to get out of here. He grabbed for the door frame. When he looked back at the bed he saw only the packing crates. He stared at the books. He had not touched the books. The sweat was pouring down his face, his clothes, look at his clothes, he ran his naked hands over his shirt, trembling, flash of Rowan, shimmer of them all around him again, only he couldn't see their faces and he was tired of looking for their faces, tired of the draining zapping feelings running through him, "I can't do this, goddamn it!" he shouted. This was like being underwater, even the voices he heard as he clamped his hands to his ears were like wavering hollow voices under water. And the stench, not possible to avoid it. The stench from the jars that were waiting, the jars ...
Is this what you wanted of me, to come back here and to touch things and to know and to find out? Deborah, where are you?
Were they laughing at him? Flash of Eugenia with her dust mop. Not you! Go away. I want to see the dead not the living. And that was Julien's laughter, wasn't it? Someone was definitely crying, a baby crying in a cradle, and a dull low voice cursing in English, kill you, kill you, kill you.
"It's enough, stop, don't ... "
"No, it isn't. The jars are there. It is not enough. Let me do it, once and for all, with all of it."
He pushed her aside, amazed again at the strength with which she tried to stop him, and shoved open the door to the room of the jars. If only they would shut up, if only that baby would stop crying, and the old woman cursing, and that voice in French ... "I can't ... "
The jars.
A gust of air came up the stairway and moved the sluggish stench for an instant. He was standing with his hands over his ears looking at the jars. He took a deep breath, but the stench went into his lungs. Rowan was watching him. Is this what you want me to touch? And they wanted to come back, like a great sloppy veil again closing around him, but he wouldn't let them. He sharpened his focus. The jars only. He took another breath.
The smell was enough to kill you, but it can't. It can't really hurt you. Look. And now in the swimming ugly light, he put his hand on the dingy glass, and through his splayed fingers saw an eye looking at him. "Christ," it's a human head, but what was he getting from the jar itself, through his tortured fingers, nothing, nothing but images so faint they were like the thing inside, a cloud surrounding him, in which the visual and the audial were blended and ever dissolving, and trying to be solid and breaking apart again. The jar was there, shining.
These were his fingers scratching at the wax seal.
And the beautiful flesh and blood woman in the door was Rowan.
He broke the seal open, and plunged his hand into the liquid, while the fumes from it went up his nose like poison gas. He gagged, but that didn't stop him. He grabbed the head inside by the hair though it fell away in his fingers, slipped like seaweed.
The head was slimy and falling to pieces. Chunks of it rose against the glass, pushing against his wrist. But he had a hold of it, his thumb sinking into the putrid cheek. He drew it up out of the jar, knocking the jar on the floor so that the stinking liquid splattered on him. He held the head--dim flash of the head speaking, the head laughing, the features mobile though the head was dead, and the hair was brown hair, the eyes b
loodshot but brown, and blood seeping from the dead mouth that talked.
Aye, Michael, flesh and blood when you are nothing but bones.
The whole man sat on the bed, naked, and dead, yet alive with Lasher in him, the arms thrashing and the mouth opening. And beside him Marguerite, with her hag hair and her hands on his shoulders, her big wide taffeta skirts out like a circle of red light around her, holding the dead thing, just as Rowan was trying to hold him now.
The head slipped out of his hands. It slid in the muck on the floor. He went down on his knees. God! He was sick. He was going to vomit. He felt the convulsion, and the pain in a circle around his ribs. Vomit. I can't help it. He turned towards the corner, tried to crawl away ... It poured out of him.
Rowan held him by the shoulder. When you're this sick you don't give a damn who's, touching you, but again, he saw the dead thing on the bed. He tried to tell her. His mouth was sour and full of vomit. God. Look at his hands. The mess was all over the floor, on his clothes.
But he got to his feet, his fingers slipping off the doorknob. Pushing Julien out of the way, and Mary Beth, and then Rowan, and groping for the fallen head, squashed fruit on the floor, breaking apart like a melon.
"Lasher," he said to her, wiping at his mouth. "Lasher, in that head, in the body of that head."
And the others? Look at them, filled with heads. Look at them! He snatched at another, smashed it against the wood of the shelf, so that the greenish remains slid down soft and rotten, like a giant greenish egg yoke onto the floor, oozing off the skull that emerged dark and shrunken as he caught it and held it, the face just dripping away.
Aye, Michael, when you are nothing but bones, like the bones you hold in your hands.
"Is this flesh?" he cried. "Is this flesh!" He kicked the rotten head on the floor. He threw down the skull and kicked the skull. Like rubber. "You aren't going to get her, not for this, not for anything."
"Michael!"
He was sick again, but he wasn't going to let it come. His hand caught the edges of the shelf. Flash of Eugenia.
"Sure hate the smell of this attic, Miss Carl." "You leave it, Eugenia."
He turned around and wiping both his hands on his coat, wiping them furiously, he said to Rowan, "He came into the dead bodies. He possessed them. He looked through their eyes and he spoke through their vocal cords, and used them, but he couldn't make them come alive again, he couldn't make the cells begin to multiply again. And she saved the heads. He came into the heads, long after the bodies were gone, and he looked through the eyes."