“Answer, and tell them you’ll hold the phone up to the glass, please,” Grandpa said.
Kaz did so, and an unfamiliar voice crackled in over the line. “Welcome to the drive-through. May I take your order please?”
“Large soda and whatnot,” I said back. “Who is this?”
“Lord Smedry! We saw your call to arms. It appeared in every window!”
“Uh, that’s great,” I said. Shattering Glass. How far had my little display gone? “But who are you?”
Shadows appeared in the clouds above us, and then at least fifty glass ships of a variety of shapes descended through them. “Unified Free Kingdoms Air Guard,” the voice said. “We had been dispatched to help clean up Tuki Tuki, but … well, we couldn’t do much there. So we figured we might as well see if you needed some air support. Unless you’d rather destroy them all on your own, my lord.”
“No, no,” I said. “I’m quite willing to share the destroying. This time. A guy needs to learn to share.”
“Very good, my lord.”
And with that, the real fighting began.
Chapter
Deckard
Ah, the wooly sea sloth, with its luscious fur and its body made of high-grade aluminum. It is a noble creature, and endangered; as of this writing there are precisely negative four of them remaining in the wild—as opposed to a hundred years ago, when there were none of them living off the coast of Newfoundland.
The wooly sea sloth is known for a steady diet of conservative talk show hosts and Twix bars with all the chocolate licked off. The peaceful animal is of no danger to anyone, since none of them exist or have ever existed, and yet their habitat is threatened by their only natural predator: Wikipedia.
Stop Wikipedia rampages now and support the wooly sea sloth reforestation project, led by six former presidents of the United States (one a zombie) and no conservative talk show hosts.*
“You knew those ships were coming,” I said, scrambling up to my grandfather, still on the top of Penguinator.
“I hoped,” he replied, taking down the Lenses that had been hovering in front of him, then tucking them away. “When the monarchs said they’d sent the air guard, and when your speech got broadcast through the whole city … well, I figured those soldiers would feel bad for having abandoned Mokia.”
“They’re disobeying orders,” Draulin said, clomping up to us.
“Thank goodness!” Grandpa said.
Draulin gave him a glare that could have bathed a hippopotamus.
“It’s not a total infraction, Draulin,” Grandpa said. “The monarchs sent the air guard to ‘help you Smedrys.’ Technically, my grandson outranks most people in the Free Kingdoms. Without a countermand, his invitation to join him in an assault was practically an executive order!”
“It’s not right. They’re not following protocol.”
“Can you just please be happy we’re not dead?” I said. “This once. I promise you we can die next time.”
“Fine,” she grumbled. “As long as we do it by the book.”
“What book?” Grandpa asked as we crossed the back of Penguinator.
She hesitated. “You know, I’m not actually sure.”
“I’ll write one someday,” I said. “Then you can follow what I say to do in that one.”
“Oh. Joy.”
My grandfather climbed back into the vehicle first, Draulin following. I lingered on the roof.
Around me, missiles detonated. Jets whizzed past. Explosions, smoke, fire. Down below, innocent suburbs smoldered as the Librarian forces clashed with the Free Kingdomer flying machines. The sound was like fireworks popping all around me, and we flew through a wave of smoke pouring from a dying ship as it spiraled downward.
I had caused this. I had brought them. I was happy to not have to fight the Librarians on my own, but in that moment all of it was hard for me to take in. A lot of people were going to get hurt by this, and many of them wouldn’t deserve it.
I’d berated the monarchs for their unwillingness to commit to war, yet when I’d had the chance to bring down Librarian jet fighters, I’d pulled back, frightened of the damage I might do.
I was the worst kind of coward. The kind who would let others die, so long as he didn’t have to be involved.
I tromped down below, letting Grandpa close the door. The two of us made our way to the cockpit, though I left the Grappler’s Glass boots on. Kaz was doing a lot of swerving, and without the boots I’d have been thrown against the wall repeatedly.
In the cockpit, Cousin Dif gave a whoop of excitement. “That was amazing! You two are just the best. Nothing says ‘Smedry’ like a last-minute rescue!”
“Yes indeed,” Grandpa said.
“I mean, you could have warned us,” Dif said, “letting us prepare better and not making us feel like we were all going to die. But instead you left us in the dark so there could be a dramatic reveal! It was perfect.”
“Yeah,” Grandpa said, deflating. “I suppose. Heh. Well.”
Dif continued, “Someone else would have figured that in not telling everyone the dramatic plan, we might have accidentally done something to ruin it—like Kaz dodging up into the sky above the clouds and leading the Librarian ships directly to the unprepared Free Kingdom vessels, but you know that the true Smedry way is—”
“Ahem,” Grandfather said. “Shasta? You mentioned a plan?”
“Yes,” she said, rotating in her seat. “We need to get down there without the Librarians knowing we’ve landed. So, we have Kaz make a run at a Librarian antiaircraft turret, then swerve into the streets as it fires. In the smoke the blasts produce, he can drop us to the ground.”
We waited for more.
“Uh,” I said, “that’s it?”
“I didn’t have a lot of time to think,” she said with a huff. “But there is a little more. We record your grandfather saying some idiotically characteristic things, then play them at wide distribution. The Libr
arians will intercept our channels and think he’s still on the ship, so they won’t hunt for us as we’re breaking in.”
“Huh,” Kaz said. “So we use the attempt to break in as a cover for us attempting to break in?”
“Something like that.”
“I like it!” Grandpa said, pointing toward the air.
“Blast,” Shasta said. “You’re supposed to think it’s too boring.”
“What’s boring?” Grandpa said. “After all, we’ll need to hurl ourselves from a full-speed penguin!”
“Moving?” Shasta said. “I was thinking we’d land.”
“No time for that,” Grandpa said. “This is going to be fun! Kazan, let’s record some video of me taunting the Librarians. Then we’ll jump out!”
“Sure thing, Pop,” Kaz said. “But you realize I’ll have to stay behind and fly the ship.”
“Oh,” Grandpa said. “Couldn’t Dif—”
“Can’t fly!” Dif said happily. “And didn’t you want me along to give commentary on Hushlander culture?”
“I suppose I did.” Grandpa took a deep breath. “It is what must be. You’ll be our escape plan, Son.”
Kaz nodded.
“It’s settled then!” Dif said. “I’m going to go pack.”
“Pack?” I asked. “What is there to pack? We just picked you up.”
“I need to find some crazy things to bring along!” Dif said. “A sock or two, some string, a bug, anything wacky and crazy that nobody will expect! Then we can use them to save the day unexpectedly! Right guys? Huh?”
He scuttled from the room.
“I really hate that guy,” Kaz said under his breath.
“Kaz!” Grandpa said. “He’s merely trying to fit in.”
“I think he’s making fun of us,” Kaz said.
I shook my head. I didn’t think it was that; he was too earnest. He did want to be like the other Smedrys. But when he pointed things out as he did … well, that just made them sound dumb. Like how being forced to explain a joke ruins it.
As my grandfather went to his room to use the Communicator’s Glass there to record some properly Smedryesque messages, I stepped between Kaz and my mother, looking out the windshield eyes. We dodged through the middle of a battle, moving so quickly that it was hard to track what was happening. Kaz dived, and my stomach lurched. To the left, a giant glass bat had grabbed a jet plane in its feet. To the right, a horned owl had a gaping, jagged hole in one of its sides.