Big Man For Christmas

There isn’t any hiding from the emotions that are flooding me now. We were young, sure, but I loved Carley. I think I’d loved her since we were kids, but we never wanted to be those people. The kids that grew up together and that everyone expected to be married straight out of high school. So we held back, until one day, neither of us could do that anymore.

But I loved her. And when she stopped speaking to me and left…I broke. And after I wrote this song, I shoved it all down and buried that fact deep. So deep that it never really healed. Now she’s here again and she’s not married and not engaged, and my heart is screaming that she’s meant to be mine.

But how can she be? What kind of man am I if I try to convince her to come back to me only days after her engagement broke up?

I sigh. The night is cold and clear enough though the flurries are whirling around. The snow is muffling all the sound, except for the low sound of the heater. I installed it a few years ago while Dad was sick. Mom used to like to sit out here at night with him, but the cold wasn’t good for his health. This made it possible to sit outside almost every night of the year.

It was nice.

And remembering my parents brings me back to Carley. Because my parents truly loved each other. The kind of love that’s rare and precious and that you can only really hope to find for yourself. At this point, I’ve given up hope.

I’ve dated my fair share, and there’s no one left. I decided a year ago that there isn’t anyone for me. No one that makes my heart leap the way that Carley did.

A shuffling sound draws my attention. Footsteps. Too even for it to be a bear, and too heavy to be a wolf. It has to be a person. Who’s out here on my property after dark?

Out of the darkness, I see Carley step into the edge of the porch light. Of course.

Of course, it’s her.

And I was singing her song just minutes ago. The chances that she didn’t hear it are almost non-existent. All that emotion that I’d poured onto the page as a teenager with a broken heart.

I try to think of a way to justify why I’m singing that song now. That I was grown and past it all, and not pining for her still like a lovesick teen. But seeing her right now, wild blonde hair peeking out of her hat, green eyes glassy with emotion, there’s no possible explanation. My heart still belongs to Carley Farrell. It always has, and right now I’m sure that it always will.

The clothes she’s wearing aren’t the same. Not the shapeless cover-alls of this afternoon. No, she’s wearing jeans that look like they’re painted on her skin, and a shirt with a jacket that shows me exactly the curves that I imagined. God, I want to touch her.

Carley doesn’t say anything as she comes closer. Slowly, hesitantly. Like she’s unsure of herself for being here. But she still came. She’s thinking about me the same way that I’ve been thinking about her.

I set my guitar down on the seat next to mine, and stand as she climbs the steps onto the porch. We’re trapped in a moment, and it doesn’t feel right to speak.

She stops right in front of me, once again her breath shivering visibly into the air. The only sounds are those of our breath and the buzz of that heater. Though right now I think I’m hotter than the damn thing. I’m a fucking inferno, burning for this beautiful woman in front of me.

Carley doesn’t speak, and she’s not looking at me. She’s staring straight into my chest, and I see her fingers twitch like she wants to reach for me and doesn’t dare to. But we can do this. Carley was the one that pulled us into the woods all those years ago. I can take the lead here. I’m happy too. I want to lead Carley to pleasure again and again, and then I don’t want to ever let her go.

I tilt her face up to mine and take in those eyes. They’re so beautiful and so perfect. Green depths that I could get lost in forever. And I want to. Right now, her gaze is reaching mine, looking for the answer to the question that she’s asking.

Slowly, I brush my lips across hers. Nothing but a light kiss, testing to see if this is why she’s here. Carley gasps, and I kiss her again. Softly. Gently. Trying not to break this delicate moment. And then she kisses me back.

Neither of us rush, testing these new waters. But God, it’s taking every ounce of will that I have to keep it slow and not consume her all at once. Carley raises her arms and puts them around my neck, and I slip my arms behind her back and pull her hard against me. I’m not letting her go. Not now.