Big Man For Christmas

She’s free and alive and sparkling. This is the version of herself that she should always be without question. The feelings in my chest listening to her are impossible to ignore.

Every other stop is much the same. Carley charms our neighbors with smiles and catching up with them earnestly. She wants to know how they’re doing, and they’re happy to see her. Somehow she makes every one of them laugh. Even Mrs. Moore, whose frown is a permanent part of her expression.

Judging by the looks we keep getting, there’s going be rumors about the two of us all over Elgin by tomorrow morning. But with each minute that passes, I find that I care less and less. I want the rumors. Let everyone in the world think that Carley Farrell is my woman. Maybe the rumors will help make it actually true.

When we’re finally done with the deliveries and headed back toward our houses, I see Carley deflate a little again. I can’t imagine the idea of going back to where her mom and sister are actively trying to sabotage her is a fun one. My stomach is in knots, but I have to try.

Reaching across the cab, I take her hand in mine. “Do you want to help me feed the cows?”

I squeeze her hand before bringing it up to my lips, kissing her palm so that she knows that I’m asking a very different, more pleasurable question.

She hesitates before she sighs, relaxing. “Yes.”

All going to plan. My crazy plan that’s a little weird, but I’m hoping it will unlock that part of her that she keeps shut down. I want her to be as free as she was on that night all those years ago with me. As she was just now singing along to the radio.

I hand her a fresh set of ear plugs as we head into the barn, and I switch on the music. The songs in rotation are all classical, the ones that I could find that were the loudest and the most bombastic. I tried traditional rock music at first, but the cattle didn’t like it. It made them just as agitated as the fireworks would have. So classical it was.

The song that comes on is one by Gustav Holst from the Symphonies of the Planets. I hold a hand up to Carley telling her to wait, and I feed the cows faster than I ever have in my life. As soon as they have their food, I grab her hand and lead her up the stairs into the hay loft.

I had a thought earlier that the music might be an interesting idea. No one will be able to hear us—not even the cows. She can scream as loud as she wants and not be embarrassed. She can let it all go.

The only prep I had time for was to bring a blanket from the house and lay it out. The heaters in the barn are more than enough to keep us warm. Carley stares at the blanket, and then at me. And for a heart stopping moment I think that I fucked it up. That this is too weird and she won’t love it. But then she smiles, and I pull her against me.11CarleyThis might be the strangest thing I’ve ever done. Granted, in Tennessee it’s not all that strange to have sex in a barn, but with the music shaking the rafters…it’s different.

I can still hear the song through the ear plugs as it changes to something else. Something richer and darker and deeper, and it hits me in the gut. I can’t help but smile. I don’t care if it’s weird, there’s something cool and powerful about feeling the pure rumble of music in my body.

Casey crosses the small space between us and pulls me into a kiss like he’s been holding back all day. I think he has been. While we were out, I tried to ignore his eyes on me, but I felt him watching me when I wasn’t looking. And during lunch, when he tried to bring me into the conversation…

It was a good try. But they were never going to let him get away with that. Riding around with him too, it was nice to just be with him, and to see some of the people around town that I haven’t seen in years. It felt easy and natural with Casey. Like breathing. Like no time had passed since we were in high school and knew each other in that casual way that people who grow up together do.

The way that he’s kissing me now is anything but casual. It’s powerful and consuming. The confidence in this kiss takes any hesitation out of the question, because he has no questions. Casey wants this and he’s showing me exactly that.