Big Man For Christmas

Out of the corner of my eye, I see Casey shifting uncomfortably. It is just like Tyler to offer to buy me a car as an apology. That makes me think that he actually might have talked to them and it’s not just a ploy to get me back home.

I take the phone from her and scroll through the messages he sent. There are missed calls too.Carley, I need to talk to you. Please pick up.Please, I’m so sorry baby. I really fucked up. I realize that now.You are so good for me, and it took you leaving for me to see how much I took you for granted. Please, I’m so sorry.I love you so fucking much. You don’t even know.We’ll go to couples’ therapy together. I’ll do whatever I have to to make myself better for you. I want to make this work.A cool sense of relief washes over me. I didn’t realize how much anxiety I’d been holding in over his silence and lack of awareness. But this…Tyler never talks like this. If he is at the point of texting like this, he is desperate.

Maybe we can make it work. I can go back to my life in Chicago where I’m comfortable, and this time I can actually be happy. There’s a twinge in my gut, and I look at Casey, whose face is carefully blank and neutral. I swallow. “I need to call him. That,” I gesture to the dinner in the pan and smile, “only needs a little more time. Even you can’t mess it up.”

I don’t wait for him to speak. I shove my boots and coat on and head outside. I feel Mom and Jessica at my heels, but I let them pass me on the porch. “Alone,” I say.

They go stand by the car—pulled up way too close to the porch. Frankly I’m amazed that they give me any privacy at all, but I’m grateful for it. I don’t think that I can do this with them listening.

Tyler answers on the first ring. “Carley?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh my God, baby, I’m so happy to hear your voice.”

Tears fill my eyes because it’s good to hear his voice too. Whether or not he hurt me, I’ve still spent seven years of my life with him. I love him, and I hate that I’m getting emotional over it.

“I am so, so, sorry.”

I clear my throat. “I gathered from your texts.”

“Listen, I am going to make this up to you. I’m twenty minutes away.”

I go still with shock. “From where?”

“From your parents’ house. I’m in an Uber—though let me tell you, he did not want to drive this far. I needed to see you. I need you back in my life, and I’m going to be there soon in order to make everything right. I promise.”

“Okay.”

I hang up without anything more. What do I say to that? Seems like he’s going to be here soon to make me listen anyway. I’m blank again. Without words.

My eyes are on the floor of the porch. The same floor where Casey and I fucked. Where he sang me that love song that he wrote about me after I broke his heart. Oh God, I was still…we weren’t using protection. Casey is still deep inside me right now, and my fiancé is on his way.

Shame rises up in a flush even as I hear the question in my mind. Is he really your fiancé if you gave the ring back? But I can’t fight the embarrassment, and I don’t dare look back toward the house. I know that I’ll find Casey watching me, and I can’t look at him. I can’t.

I walk toward the car and my mother opens the back door for me to slide in. She and Jessica take the front and I pretend that I don’t see the expressions of smug victory on their faces. “Tyler’s on his way,” I say, my own voice sounding like it’s very far away.

“That’s wonderful! I’m so excited to see him.”

He’s met my parents a few times before, and my mother has always been enamored of him. But I’m so twisted up right now that I don’t know how to think or feel.

I want to make it work. I do. We’ve been through so much; I don’t want to just give up on the life I wanted. But the hurt is still there too, and these blossoming new feelings for Casey. What the fuck do I do?

The short ride back to my parents’ house is filled with me wondering whether I should panic or not. And if yes, why am I panicking? What am I going to feel when I see Tyler for the first time? I don’t know.

It’s only minutes after we enter the house again before we hear wheels crunching gravel outside, and I go to the front door and see a large SUV pull up. Tyler gets out, a huge smile on his face.