Big Man For Christmas

Quickly, I change into my pajamas and stand there, watching Tyler. He changes too into his sleeping uniform. A t-shirt and boxers. Getting into bed with him feels…strange. It could feel like something, but I’m not letting it. I’m resisting.

He rolls over toward me and kisses me on the forehead, the way he always does when we’re at home. “I’m so happy you’re giving me another chance.”

And then he rolls away and lays facing in the other direction, just like at home. And something slinks through me that I’d rather ignore.

I’m doing the right thing. I’m doing the right thing.

I keep repeating those words until I fall asleep.14CarleyI wake up early, and stare at the ceiling. Tyler is asleep beside me, snoring softly. I didn’t sleep much, and the few hours I did get were plagued with dreams that were steeped in anxiety.

There’s no way I’m going back to sleep, so I get up and get dressed quietly, heading downstairs to help with breakfast. It’s a particularly big breakfast today, as people always show up early on this morning and more than just the family ends up eating pancakes.

No one is in the kitchen yet, but the menu for today’s breakfast is set in stone. I don’t need to wait to start cooking. I need to do something with my hands to take my mind off of everything.

I start making the pancakes, and about an hour later, I’ve made more pancakes than twenty people can eat, and my mother’s jaw drops when she comes into the kitchen. “Wow.”

“Got a head start.”

She smiles and comes over and pats my cheek. “See what a little apology can do for you? One night back together and you’re already more productive than the rest of us.”

“Sure,” I say.

“Oh, cheer up, buttercup. It’s set-up day! You always used to love that.”

It’s true. I did love it. But now I know that I’m going to have to go out there and see Casey and I don’t know how to handle that.

Shame washes up over me again. I shouldn’t be this conflicted. I remember when Tyler proposed. He took me out to my favorite restaurant in Chicago and got us a private table that overlooked the river. And then, he announced that the reason he was able to afford all of it was that he had just gotten a brand-new promotion at the firm, and he wanted me by his side for the journey. He dropped to his knee by the table and asked me to marry him.

In that moment, I’d never felt such joy. I cried when he slipped the ring on my finger, and everyone cheered when I called to let them know.

I’m so far away from that now that it’s not even funny. But there is something familiar about all of it. “I’m going to go shower.”

“Go ahead,” my mother laughs. “You’ve done more than your part.”

I go back upstairs, something that Tyler said ringing in my ears. He’s just getting out of the shower when I walk back into the room, a towel slung low on his hips. The comparison in my mind is instant. Tyler doesn’t have a bad body, but compared to Casey, whose body is honed and hard with hours of physical labor every day, he looks soft. But I shouldn’t be thinking about that.

“You said you were going to have news by the new year. What is it?”

Tyler sits on the bed and grins. “I’m up for partner at the firm.”

“Partner.” That was a thing that he always talked about. And it is the goal for a lot of lawyers. To be considered for partner so young is a huge deal. “Congratulations.”

“I was in the middle of the meeting for it,” he says, “and that’s what made me realize how badly I fucked up.”

“Really? How?”

He pats the bed beside him and I sit. “Alan was talking about everything and telling me that everyone on the 88th floor really admired my work ethic and the thought that I put into my life. The fact that I owned a home and I was getting married. And right then, all I could think about was you and how lonely the apartment had been since you’d left. And the first person I wanted to tell about the meeting was you. Not Andi or anyone else. You.” Reaching out, he tucks some hair behind my ear. “And that’s when I realized that I’d made the biggest mistake of my life, and that I needed to get you back, no matter what it took.”

The kiss he presses to my lips makes me feel nothing. I used to crave the little bits of affection that he threw my way like they were diamonds. But now, when I’ve suddenly experienced what it is like to have affection poured on you in buckets, it feels tiny in comparison.