Perhaps I might have told him to move on.
But now. . .
These ghosts and my mother infected me. They made me relive my scattered memories. And I wasn’t sure I was comfortable with everything I was seeing. The first ghost walked me through my past and it had been sad. But there were times when I looked at those memories and was happy to relive them. Even as an adult looking at my mother and father fight, I saw it so much differently from what my younger brain remembered.
And Grandma. . .and Grandpa. . .
Surely, they didn’t want to add to my anxiety and depression over Christmas, but that was what happened when they died around those times. That being said, they’d spent so much time giving me joy when they were alive. Part of me felt guilty keeping myself happy after they died.
I just. . .I’ve always felt. . .alone. By myself. . .
But then there were so many memories of Saint, Holly, and Nikolas loving me, thinking of me, surrounding me with love. Always, they rushed my way at this time of year, knowing how much the holidays hurt me. It wasn’t that I was ungrateful, I just didn’t want to pay too much attention to their love. To do so would possibly mean that I would lose them.
Wait. What? Is that what I think? I. . .guess so. . .
I walked over to my bed and sat down.
If I took in their love. . .then I would lose them. . .
My eyes watered.
It was a stupid thought but as real as any other. I knew it couldn’t be true. Still, my hands shook in my lap.
I’m scared to lose them. I’m so scared. If they go. . .then I really will have no one else.
I swallowed down the sorrow that had been lodged in my throat for so many years. If I took a chance with Saint, would God take him from me? With all the people that I’d buried, I believed it was a logical question.
What about Dad? I pushed him away and he survived. This is a stupid theory but it is a fact.
When I saw my father in this last dream, my heart ached. He was so old. It was hard not to think of all the years I’d missed with him.
And he continued to try to fix the brokenness between us. Something had to change.
I thought back to what my Grandmother always said.
“If you want a new outcome, then you have to do new things, baby. Can’t just keep doing the same old thing to get something new.”
I rose from the bed and wondered how I could apply it to life. If I tried to do everything differently, could there be a new life for me? I wasn’t even sure what new path would come.
I’d been content with the life I had now. I was a successful designer. I had a great friendship with Holly and Saint.
What more could I ask for?
An ache filled me.
I could. . .
Fear slipped up my spine. I trembled in the center of my bedroom.
I could have love. . .I could even. . .have a family.
But families died. People left. Kids were born, but they could die. Husbands too. And tragedy could come. Car accidents. Plane crashes. Drownings and suicides. Choking on food or accidentally falling down the stairs. Cancer and heart attacks. Infancy deaths and murders.
I fisted my hands at my sides.
I don’t want to go to another funeral. I don’t want to cry for anyone else. This way. . .I won’t be sad. . .
But things had changed. And I knew that couldn’t be the answer anymore. I’d managed to still love Holly and Saint, even though I pretended not to openly show it. The whole time they were around me.
And the ghosts. . .
That told me that there was more than this world. There were other supernatural layers to the reality that I’d always believed. There was something after death, more life, more adventure, more realms to explore. And Mom had talked about these ghosts being her lovers. That meant that although she’d left this world due to a broken heart, she’d found love in other places—other ways.
Everything I believed is wrong.
My hand continued to shake. I pushed through it and checked my watch. While I wished I had time to mull over all that had happened in these past days, I had to help Holly.
I must be there for her, especially if she didn’t want to be in this cold-ass place to begin with.
I put on my boots, opened the door, and stood there in deep thought.
I should ask Holly about what I saw in the dream. No. It’s her wedding. She has other things on her mind. But somebody has to confirm these memories for me. That way, I’ll know for a fact that this wasn’t just dreams. It’s all real.