Not What I Expected

I let him define me.

That woman I used to be didn’t need to be found. I needed to be redefined.

But … not by a man.

Craig made me feel stupid. He dismissed me. I gave him too much of myself, including my dignity.

Kael could give me an orgasm that made me temporarily lose all coherent thoughts—and he did.

He could make me desire sinful things—and he did.

He could add cracks to my already frail heart—and he did.

But he couldn’t define me. I didn’t need him.

I wouldn’t be his success or failure.

I wouldn’t be his crutch.

And I definitely wouldn’t be a forgone conclusion.

Never again.

The second I could open my eyes without them rolling back in my head … which was right as he eased out of me, I pulled up my panties and jeans. “Thanks.”

He chuckled. I couldn’t see him, but I heard his zipper and labored breathing. “You’re welcome.”

“I’m going to see if Bella needs anything before I head home. So … are you decent?” Blindly feeling around with my hands, I found the doorknob.

“As decent as I’ll ever be.”

I opened the back door and glanced over my shoulder, getting my first glimpse of Kael since we did … that. Pieced back together as if nothing happened, he straightened his beanie and followed me out the door. Again, he remained a good six feet behind me as we made our way to the square. When we turned the corner and rejoined the crowd, I peeked behind me one last time, but he had already headed left, and I was heading right.

Kael made no quick peek over his shoulder.

Not a second glance … probably not a second thought.

There was a reason I put my heart in a jar and stored it on the highest shelf—he couldn’t be trusted with it.

Neither could I.

If given the chance, I would have handed him the fucking jar.Chapter Twenty-OneReading my mind and reading between the lines were not the same things. One required an emotional connection, the other required consciousness.* * *Two weeks later …In your forties, two weeks passed in a blink—unless you were missing someone. With the clock ticking down to the anniversary of Craig’s death, I was missing him, my boys, even Bella since I seemed to only catch her for a few minutes in the mornings before she headed out the door. Amie put in extra hours at her clinic to prepare for a little time off over Christmas and New Year’s. Meadow was my companion, a good companion.

Alone I could handle. After raising four children … and a husband … alone time nurtured my soul. If I could make it to January, I’d be in alone time heaven. It wasn’t that I wouldn’t feel extra grief, guilt, and sadness every year as the anniversary of Craig’s death approached, but the first year felt the most raw.

Kael?

Well, I hadn’t seen him since Holiday Fest. I wasn’t necessarily avoiding him, but I also wasn’t going out of my way to run into him. And clearly he was going about his days in the same manner.

However, with the first snow in two weeks, his truck pulled into my driveway a few minutes after Bella left for school. There wasn’t a lot of snow, but he still made his three swipes just as I was heading out the door to take Meadow for her walk.

He stopped before backing all the way out of the driveway. I smiled, or at least tried, as I approached the door to his truck and released Meadow’s leash so she could sniff and do her morning business.

My heart tripped over itself as he hopped out of the driver’s seat in his usual jeans, boots, coat, and beanie. His beard looked shorter like he’d recently trimmed it, and that smile of his made it hard to find a deep breath.

I’d missed him too.

“Good morning.” He blew on his hands and rubbed them together.

I tucked a few stray hairs under my red stocking cap and let my smile have its way—all the way to my ears. “Morning. Thanks for this. I could have easily shoveled it.”

He didn’t respond right away, but after a few seconds, he nodded. “Yeah, but it was a good excuse to see you.” His words wrapped around me like my favorite sweater.

“I feel bad that you felt like you needed an excuse to see me.”

Instead of putting his hands on me, he shoved them into the pockets of his jacket. “I figured if you needed anything, you would have contacted me.”

Sex. If I needed sex.

When my gaze slipped from his, he cleared his throat. “And I know it’s getting close to the anniversary of your husband’s death. I thought you could use some space—time with your family.”

Finding his eyes again, I chuckled. “Thank you. I don’t have my family with me yet. Occasionally, I pass Bella in the hall or kitchen. My boys won’t be here for a few days, along with my parents. It’s just been me and Meadow.”