Not What I Expected

Finn drove Ron and Mary home while Chase and Linc took Meadow for a walk. Since my parents were staying at my house for two weeks, avoiding them seemed pretty unlikely. So after a long bath, I slipped into my favorite flannel lounge pants and shirt and feigned some bravery and confidence before making my way downstairs.

Bella glanced up from the floor, muting the television as I stood at the threshold to the living room. My parents sat in opposite recliners which was weird for them. They were usually the snuggly couple.

The sofa.

No one wanted to sit on the sex infested sofa.

So … I did. I liked the sofa a lot.

“Elsie …” Mom gave me a sympathetic smile.

“Listen,” I cut her off. “I lost it. And I’m truly sorry for that. There really is no good excuse. I felt backed into a corner, ganged up on, and attacked. Still … it’s no excuse for saying the things I said. Even if it was all true.” I glanced up to see Linc, Chase, and Meadow at the arched entrance. “Sit down. You need to hear this too.”

They took seats on the floor next to Bella. Meadow jumped up on the sofa with me, the only one who didn’t care that I’d had sex on it with Kael.

“We’re all adults. It’s not the most comfortable thing in the world talking about my sex life with my kids and my parents. But here we are … talking about it. You don’t have to approve of what I’ve done, but it doesn’t make it wrong. I did nothing wrong, except maybe in God’s eyes. But that’s between me and God. I’m sorry if this has caused any of you pain and embarrassment.” My attention landed solely on Bella. “It was never my intention.

“But … I’m not going to let you treat me like there is something wrong with me. I married the man I loved. I raised a beautiful family with him. And then I no longer wanted to be married to him—not because I regretted anything. But because I changed over the years, and I wanted something else in my life—even if I didn’t know what that was.”

“A younger man?” Bella mumbled.

“No. Not a younger man. This isn’t a lost and found story. I wasn’t, and I’m still not looking for someone. Not looking for anyone to replace your dad. I am whole without a man in my life. It’s hard to explain.” I rubbed my temples. “This sounds awful, and it’s not the best explanation, but it’s the easiest. It’s like when Bella wanted peanut butter and jelly every single day. It was your favorite. You loved it so much that you couldn’t imagine there ever coming a day that you didn’t want … need a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Until …”

“I hated it,” she whispered.

I nodded. “Yeah. I’ll never forget the day you just couldn’t eat one more sandwich. I asked what had happened. I thought maybe someone at school had made fun of you for taking the same thing for lunch every day, but you said you didn’t know. All you knew was that you didn’t want another sandwich, and even the smell of it turned your stomach.”

“Dad was your PBJ?” Linc lifted an eyebrow.

I chuckled. “Yes and no. The point is something changed. Something shifted. And I didn’t want to be married to him any longer. I didn’t want to be married to anyone. I wanted to go a different direction in my life. I’d raised you kids, and I wanted me to matter again. I didn’t regret the past … I don’t know how many times I can say that to you or what I can do to make you understand that. But I knew if I didn’t say something or do something that I would start to regret each new day. It wasn’t supposed to end in a big fight.”

I wiped a stray tear as Bella blinked out a few tears as well. “We were fused together in so many ways. I should have known separating wouldn’t be easy, and it wouldn’t come without pain. Twenty-two years of marriage doesn’t end without feeling a little torn … a little broken.”

“But the accident—” Bella sobbed, and it made more hot tears run down my face.

“It was just that …” Linc hugged her. “An accident.”

Kindness packed the hardest punch. Always. But especially when you didn’t feel completely deserving of it.

“This young man …” Mom spoke up. “Do you love him, Elsie?”

I wiped my face. “He’s not my happiness.”Chapter Twenty-SixYou’re the best kind of want.

You’re the worst kind of need.* * *Over the next few days, I managed to convince my family that I wasn’t losing it.

We visited Craig’s grave and flipped through family photos in old albums and more recent digital photos. We laughed and cried watching video footage from family vacations, birthday parties, and the many Christmases we spent together as a family.