“Have a seat,” he ordered after closing the door.
Instead of doing so, I watched him walk over to the dresser and pull open the top drawer. He then looked over his shoulder, and when he saw me still standing, he stared.
Hearing his silent command, I walked over to the bed and sat on the edge.
Why had he brought me in here?
It wasn’t that I minded being alone with him in his childhood bedroom. It was just that I couldn’t help noticing the tension lining his shoulders and back.
Maybe this was when the other shoe dropped, and he told me he had a wife and kid too. I didn’t know what I’d do then, but I knew it wouldn’t be good.
Have faith, the angel on my shoulder whispered.
Unfortunately, the devil who was never far away still felt a little raw and wasn’t in the mood today. Shut. The fuck. Up.
Houston quickly found what he was looking for and came to join me on the bed. I frowned when I realized what he held and even more when he handed it to me. I hesitated only until I glimpsed the words printed in bold at the top of the newspaper clipping.DOUBLE SUICIDE PARALYZES PORTLAND
March 9, 2004 / The Portland PioneerMarried couple Jake Morrow, 32, and Susan Morrow, 31, were pronounced dead yesterday afternoon. The famed duo died from an overdose on antidepressants, which sources report had been prescribed to both victims. It is also rumored but has not been confirmed that the two were found in their home by their thirteen-year-old son, Houston Morrow.I stopped reading.
It took a few deep breaths before I could bring myself to look at him. Houston was staring at the cut-out portion of the newspaper with no expression. I knew better, though. I was inside his head like he was in mine. It seemed he needed to gather his emotions, too, before meeting my gaze.
“You found them?”
Slowly, he nodded before looking away like he was ashamed. He was reliving it, and he didn’t want me to see. Standing from the bed, I stood between his legs and brought his eyes back to me.
“I’m sorry.”
“Me too.”
“Wh—why did they…” I gulped when I couldn’t bring myself to ask why his parents killed themselves. What had been so terrible? They had to know Houston would be the one to find them, but it wasn’t enough to make them stay.
I didn’t want to hate his parents. I wanted to find solace that at least they were no longer in pain, and yet, looking at Houston, seeing his struggle to forgive them, I couldn’t stop the burning smell plaguing my senses.
No.
Houston was the only one who had the right to be angry. Regardless of my feelings for their son, I had no right to judge them. I was only allowed sorrow—for them and Houston.
“I don’t know,” he answered, guessing at the question I was struggling to ask. “I feel like I never knew them at all. I can’t remember them not smiling. Not even once. They were always laughing and finding reasons to sing and dance. Everyone knew them. Everyone. They were contagious. The wild parties they threw were popular in Portland.” Houston shook his head before resting it against my belly. I ran my fingers through his brown hair. “All along, they were just distracting themselves, making sure they were never alone for long, even with each other. They kept themselves surrounded to keep from giving in to the pain, and I’ll never know what caused it. No one will.”
Because Jake and Susan were like so many others, both living and dead. They were the kind who never let anyone see that they were sad. Not until it was too late. Not until they were gone.
“It hasn’t stopped me from trying to figure it out, though,” he admitted after a while. “I wanted to know why so I could understand, but I’ve only been left with fears and assumptions. Had too much happened? Did they lose control and let the bad outweigh the good? They were so young when they had me. Maybe I was the reason their life didn’t turn out how they hoped. Maybe I pushed them to do it.”
I quickly climbed into his lap so that we were eye level and held his face in my hands so that he couldn’t look away. “Houston, no. Your parents chose to leave you with memories of them happy because those were the ones they wanted you to have. They loved you. I wish that it had been enough, but you were the reason they held on as long as they could. I know it like I know the last thing they want is for you to blame yourself.”
I was sucked in by the vortex his gaze created. His eyes were so green, and I wondered if it was because he stored all of his emotions there, hiding them in plain sight. I’ve called him an overbearing brute and controlling asshole, and I was almost sorry for it now that I knew the reason. He didn’t want to end up like his parents. He didn’t want the people he cared about to either. Now Houston would have to figure out a way to overcome that fear, and I was more than ready to help him. I knew Loren and Rich were too.