Zero Apologies (Lost Kings MC 14)

“Good. I’m glad.” Z tilts his head. “Did any of the lesson bother you?”

I freeze. Damn Jake. I should’ve known better. I’m surprised he didn’t tell Z sooner.

“Do you need to talk about it?”

“No, Z, I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Lilly, look at me.”

How I wish his voice didn’t have the power to make me drop everything. “What do you want me to say, Z? That it reminded me of what happened to me? It did and it didn’t. It wasn’t quite the same, but it still bothered me.”

How’s that for an answer that makes zero sense? It’s the best I can do, though.

“Shhh, okay. I’m sorry. Come here.”

“No.” I hold out my hand to stop him from coming any closer. “Please, I can’t right now.”

He holds up his hands in surrender and takes a step back, giving me space. “Okay.”

“Why now? Why are you doing this?”

He jams his hands into his pockets. “I want to make sure I never do anything to upset you.”

I think I finally understand what he doesn’t seem to be able to voice. The tension washes away and I take a step toward him. “You’ve never made me feel helpless or humiliated. Never. I always feel…cherished and strong with you.”

“You’re stronger than you think all on your own, Lilly.”

Over time, I’ve allowed myself to accept that I must possess some amount of inner strength if I’ve survived my past and can still find good in things. “I know. But I’m better with you.”

He holds out his arms and this time I let him pull me tight against him. “We’re better together,” he whispers against my ear.

“Mommy?” Chance tugs on my jeans. “Are you crying?”

Z releases me and I squat down. “No, I’m just a little sad. This is the first place you and I lived. I have some good memories here. That’s all.”

He glances up at Z and back to me. “I like it better with Daddy.”

I laugh and kiss his cheeks. “Me too. That’s why we’re packing everything up and saying goodbye forever.”

“Yes!” He thrusts his fist in the air and zooms down the hall.

Z’s hand rests over his heart as he watches Chance race up and down the hall. “I’ll never get tired of hearing him say that.”

My own heart melts into a puddle of love-goo for this man. “Any more questions?”

“Not right now, but I want you to promise me something.”

“What?”

“If anything reminds you or upsets you, please tell me.”

“I didn’t tell you about Jake’s class because I kind of forgot about it afterward. It was a momentary panic and then gone. I had a good time with the girls. So much has happened since then, I forgot.”

He blows out a relieved breath. “Good.”

Now that we’re done with the talk, I finish packing up the bathroom and we start on the living room. After that, he’s all business, poking around, cataloging furniture and trying to figure out how many boxes we need. “What do you want to do with this stuff?”

“The furniture? I guess sell it—”

He runs his gaze over the furniture again as if selling it is a waste of our precious time. “I’ll replace everything and then some if you say we can just donate it all.”

I laugh. “That’s fine.”

“I don’t want to waste the time we’re here waitin’ around for dipshits to stop by and haggle over your shit.”

“Dipthits,” Chance parrots.

“Look what you did,” I tease.

Z’s lips quirk. “I’m always teasing Heidi for asking us to stop cursing around Alexa. Not as funny now.”

“I’ll make sure to let her know.”

Z laughs and after all the seriousness of our talk, it’s a beautiful sound.

“I’ll run out and grab some boxes,” he offers.

For some reason, I can’t stand being separated from him for even a few minutes while we’re here. So, we buckle Chance back into his car seat and head out together.

“Sorry I’m so clingy today,” I mutter.

Z roars with laughter while starting the car. “Babe, I’ve been praying for this for years. Cling away. It’s about time.”

My breath catches. Such a simple statement. But also honest. Raw with feelings men like Z don’t easily admit. I lean over and kiss his cheek. “I love you.”

He seems surprised. Maybe I haven’t said it enough. He brushes his knuckles over my cheek. “You okay?”

Disgusted with myself, I pull away from his touch.

“Lilly,” he says quietly, placing his hand over mine. “I’m serious. Did I push too much before? Are you okay?”

I’m too exhausted to put on a false front. And there’s no point in it anyway. Z knows me too well. “Not really.” I run my nails over my arms. “I feel restless. Itchy. Anxious. I don’t know.”

“Anything I can do to make it better?”

Tears well up and my throat tightens. Words won’t come, so I shake my head.

“Talk to me, Siren,” he coaxes in that low, soothing voice I love so much.

I reach over and rest my hand on his leg. “Just having you here with us makes everything better.”

Accepting that answer, he squeezes my hand. “Let’s get those boxes.”

Z

Something I’ve learned over the years—it’s easier to cause pain than to take it. I’d take every bit of pain away from Lilly if I could. Instead, I upset her with the stupid questions I just had to ask. I have everything I want. No reason to go kicking over rocks to seek out the dark stuff underneath. But fuck if I don’t want to do everything I can to make sure she’s always taken care of.

“Is everything okay with you?” she asks after a few miles.

“I’m fine, why?”

“You’ve seemed troubled since the charges were dropped. Is there something you’re not telling me?” The concern in L

illy’s tone suggests I’m not covering my unease about what went down at home before we left.

My girl’s so fucking strong. Right away, I could tell how much talking about the past bothered her. Even though she was prickly about it, she gave me answers in her straight-forward way.

Don’t I owe her the same thing?

I glance over at her. “We’ve been busy getting ready for the trip.”

That’s not a good enough answer for Lilly. “You didn’t give me any details about why the charges were dropped. I assumed you’d explain at some point.”

I glance in the backseat at a sleeping Chance. I’d prefer not to have this conversation with him around. Or never. My jaw flexes. “You don’t need details.”

“You realize I could probably go down to the courthouse and ask for a transcript when we get home, right?”

Without answering, I flick the blinker on and pull into a parking lot. I roll over the pavement until I find a spot away from anyone else and shut off the car. Swiveling in the tight front seat, I grab her hand. “That wouldn’t be smart. We still can’t be connected, Lilly.”

“I know,” she whispers. “But something’s bothering you.”

I blow out a breath and release her. “Not now, okay? It’s nothing to do with you.”

“Okay.”

“I want to focus on you and Chance right now.” I reach out and tuck a piece of hair behind her ear.

“Is it something bad?”

“No.” She’s not going to give up, is she?

I roll the windows down and check on Chance again, then motion for her to get out of the car. There’s a picnic bench directly in front of where I parked and I lead her over to it.

“You sure you want to know this, Lilly? Remember anything club-related I tell you can not be shared with anyone else. Ever.”

“I’ve trusted you with every one of my secrets, Z.”

“Have you?”

She pins me with an expression that’s both strong and full of sorrow. “Everything you need to know.”

Fair enough. “Remember Josey?”

Her jaw tightens. “How could I forget. Such a lovely personality.”

“She’s dead.”