Her pale hair is loose and messy, as though she forgot to comb it this morning, and her eyes are nearly as pink and shiny as her nose. I’d never seen her without makeup until today.
“Everything hurts,” she adds huskily, “and the only thing the doctor can suggest is medication. Something so I can sleep at night. Something so I can function during the day.” She makes a soft, rough sound, and her eyes well with tears all over again. “I guess that’s how we’re supposed to cope these days. Pills and alcohol.”
“Why didn’t you call me earlier?”
She shakes her head, sips her tea.
“Lucy.”
She shakes her head again even as a tear rolls down her cheek. “I didn’t want anyone to see me this way. It’s embarrassing. I’m a mom. I can’t be falling apart. I have responsibilities—” She breaks off, takes a deep breath. “I didn’t want to call you. But I didn’t want to drive into a tree, either, and that seemed to be my idea of rational thinking earlier.”
I sit facing her on my white linen couch. A slim glass-topped table separates us, but it might as well be a football field in terms of her despair. She’s so remote, so incredibly broken. “You don’t really want to drive your car into a tree, do you?”
She closes her eyes. “I want it back. I want my life back. I want how it used to be.”
She’s suffering, and her suffering undoes me. I thought my situation was bad, but hers is far worse. “Pete wasn’t always the best husband—”
“Whose is?” Her mouth trembles, and she digs her teeth into her lower lip. “I was a fool. I’d do anything—anything—to undo the damage. I want things the way they were. I want to be in the same house with everyone. I want to sleep in the same bed. I want to wake up and find everything’s the same, but it’s not. And it will never be. I can’t live like this, I can’t. I hate myself. I—”
I’m off the couch and onto my feet, crouching at her side, my arms wrapped around her, rocking her as she sobs.
“Lucy, Lucy . . .” I’m rubbing her back and saying her name, and I wish I were a fairy godmother and I could do something to help her. We’re just people. We screw up and we make mistakes, and then oh, how we suffer. We learn too late that we’re not infallible, not indestructible, not untouchable. We learn too late that when things go wrong, we hurt.
Terribly.
Tears fill my eyes as I rub her back. “You’ll get through this, you will. It’s awful now, but it won’t always be like this. Things do work out, things will improve. You’ll see.”
“Why didn’t I realize things were good? Why didn’t I know I was happy? That I was lucky? Why didn’t I appreciate what I had?”
“I don’t know, Lucy. I don’t. Maybe none of us know what we have until it’s taken away.” I’m still rubbing her back and talking when Annika and the kids walk through the front door.
I don’t hear the door open; instead I hear their voices. Turning my head, I spot them in the entry. They’ve caught sight of us, and they freeze. The children know Lucy well, but they’ve never seen her upset.
“What’s wrong?” Jemma asks nervously, backpack sliding off her shoulder.
I sit up. Lucy hastily wipes her tears away.
“Nothing,” I say. “It’s nothing.”
“But you’re both crying,” Jemma says.
“Jemma, it’s silly. You wouldn’t understand.”
Her chin lifts stubbornly. “Tell me.”
Lucy looks at me, and I take a quick breath. “Nordstrom had a special function for their level three and four reward customers and we both missed it,” I explain sadly. “We could have met Donna Karan.”
The girls stare at us a long moment. Jemma’s brows wrinkle. “You’re crying because you didn’t meet a fashion designer?”
I gesture weakly. “There was a trunk show, too, honey.”
Jemma rolls her eyes and walks out. Annika and the younger girls follow. Lucy waits for the girls to disappear into the kitchen to whisper, “I can’t believe you! We’re crying over a missed fashion event?”
I go back to the couch. “I didn’t know what to say. I couldn’t very well tell her we’re bawling because we’re miserable, unhappy women, could I?”
Lucy smiles halfheartedly and wipes her eyes again. “I guess I would be upset if I missed a secret Donna Karan trunk show.”
“See?” But I’m smiling, and Lucy smiles wanly back at me. “We Bellevue moms have to have our priorities.”
Lucy groans. “You’re insane, Taylor.”
“I know. But it’s worked for me so far.” I lift my tea and take a sip, thinking maybe it’s time to tell Lucy about the chaos in my world. “Lucy . . .” But looking into Lucy’s face, her light blue eyes red-rimmed, skin so pale that it’s ethereal, I don’t think I can do this. It doesn’t seem right, or fair, to burden her now. She’s so fragile at the moment. She’s in such terrible pain. How can I add one more worry to her plate?
“Yes?” she asks, waiting.
No, can’t tell her, I resolve, not yet, not until she’s emotionally stronger. “You know, tonight’s book club,” I say, swiftly substituting topics. “I was thinking we should drive together.”
“Oh God, that’s right. I completely forgot.” She looks at me, stricken. “And I’m supposed to be in charge of the discussion. I picked the book.”
“Have you read it?”
“Most of it. Not the last chapter or two.”
“So you’re okay.” I, on the other hand, have not read a lot of the book. What I did read was interesting as well as shocking. I’ve been having a hard time getting my head around the idea that so many women are ending up in dire financial straits.
Lucy’s shaking her head. “But I can’t do this. I can’t face everybody. Look at me! I’m a wreck. I haven’t slept in days. The bags under my eyes are too big for carry-on.”
I choke on muffled laughter. “Was that a joke, Lucy Wellsley? Did I hear you make a joke?”
She cracks a reluctant smile. “I look like hell and you know it.”
“Okay, you do look rough, but that’s what our two-hundred-and-fifty-dollar lotions are for. Serious calming, soothing, and resurfacing. Depuffing, too.”
I glance at my watch and note that we have four hours before book club begins. “Where are your kids?”
Her expression crumples. “Pete has them.”
“No!” I hold up my hands to stop her. “That’s a good thing. This way we have four hours to relax and repair and prepare. You need a nap. And then a shower and a little makeover. While you nap, I’ll finish the book and then I’ll be ready to help you get ready. Sound like a plan?”
She looks puzzled. “So you’ll come to my house later?”
“No. You’re going to relax and unwind here. You can have my room. No one will bother you. I’ll draw the blinds and you’ll have a lovely little catnap and then we’ll get ready for tonight together.”
“I don’t want to put you out—”
“You’re not.”
She glances away, obviously uncomfortable. I wait for her to say something, and it takes her a long time to speak.
“I’m not . . . Taylor, I’m not going to do anything.” She swallows hard before looking at me. “If that’s what you’re worried about. I’m not going to do anything stupid.”
“That’s not what I’m worried
about,” I answer, finding this painful, too. “And that’s not why I want you to stay. I want you to stay because I care about you, and I’d just feel better if I could do something for you. Maybe it’s selfish of me, but I’d like to do something for you. It’d make me feel good if I could help somehow.”
Heavy silence fills the room, and my insides knot so hard that my stomach actually hurts.
“Nathan doesn’t live here anymore.” My voice is quiet, yet to my ears the words crash and boom beneath the vaulted ceiling. “I’ve been alone a lot lately. I’d like your company.” I pause, reconsider my words. “I’d love your company. I’m having a hard time, too.”
While Lucy naps, I read. I sit beneath the butterscotch blanket on the living room couch and read for almost two hours straight. Now that I’ve started the book, I can’t stop reading.
This is what went wrong in my life, I think. This is what happened to Nathan and me. I wanted to be taken care of, I wanted someone else to do the hard work outside the home so I could concentrate on raising kids, but in so doing, I became financially dependent and, worse, a burden.
When Lucy finally wakes up it’s nearly six, and she creeps downstairs, her eyes dark and fuzzy with sleep. “I was out of it,” she says, joining me in the kitchen where I’m helping Annika serve dinner for the kids.
“You needed it,” I answer, setting the plates of meat loaf and rice in front of the girls.
Lucy eyes the girls’ dinner. “You guys eat meat loaf?”
“You don’t?”
She shakes her head. “It’s eeew food in our family.”
“I like it,” I answer, grabbing the ketchup, which Tori has to have on everything. “They like it, too.”
“How do you get Nathan to eat—” Lucy breaks off, realizing her mistake.
“Salt, Mom,” Jemma sings.
I hand Jemma the salt and Brooke the pepper. “He likes it.” I keep my tone deliberately casual. The girls don’t know about the separation yet, and I don’t want them to know. “The recipe I use calls for ground beef and Italian sausage. I also use tomato sauce and oatmeal instead of bread or cracker crumbs. It gives it a little more flavor.”