Kissmas Wishes (Love In All Seasons 3)

“It’s beautiful,” I whisper, taking it all in. “It finally looks like Christmas.”

“I was wondering about that. You don’t even have a tree up. You calling Bah Humbug for the first time in your life?”

I wish I could explain. But I don’t want Filson to think I’m a failure. I want him to think I am something great. So, I keep my mouth shut, letting my silence speak for me.

He stands next to me, but he doesn’t make any indication he’s softened from the earlier blow. My heart aches, wanting to reach out to him, but I don’t know how to reach inside him when he is so closed off. How did Mary Lou Who soften the Grinch?

I offer him dinner, telling him I have a chicken pot pie in the oven with gingerbread for dessert. He shakes his head and won't even meet my eyes.

“I’ll be off,” he says gruffly. “It’s getting dark and with the snow, I don't want to get into any trouble on the roads up to my place. Don't worry, I'll be back tomorrow as I told you I would be.”

It feels so final, so cold. We went from having his fingers deep inside me, our naked bodies pressed tightly to one another to this. Nothing. A deep feeling of cold sweeps over me and it takes everything within me not to break down and cry.

He turns back and looks at me before getting inside his truck. “Maple, I meant what I said earlier. Thank you for today. For everything.”

I swallow, not wanting his thanks. What I really want is his love.FilsonDriving home, I feel like a goddamn fool. I am a fool. It's not like it's something I've just learned right now, I’ve always been his way. Pushing the good things in life away.

But this time I fucked it up. I feel it deep in my bones. As I pull up to my house, I focus on my dog, knowing I can’t fix the way I wronged Maple overnight.

I go through the motions. I get food for Sammy, stoke the fire, check to make sure the lantern has batteries in case the power goes out. All the while, wishing I were the kind of man Maple deserves.

I know exactly why I pulled back my word love. Love is this scary-ass thing. Something I've never had before and don't feel I rightly deserve. Especially not Maple’s love. Particularly not now, when it’s nearly Christmas.

I wish I was one of those men who could just go all in, give it my all. My heart and soul. But I've never been like that. For a long time, I blamed it on my father — for his drinking and his drugs. I blamed it on my mother leaving when I was so young. But those are excuses. The truth is I'm a grown-ass man who scared of being rejected.

What does that say about me? Especially when I could have everything I want with Maple. Maybe. Who knows? She might turn me away, but she might not. She might want me as much as I want her but looking around my cabin, I know that is impossible. This place is a home I'm proud of, but it's not a home for a girl like her. A woman who knows how to make chicken pot pies and gingerbread. A woman with walls painted pink and a white bedspread. No, this is too rough and tumble. Too gritty, too severe.

Part of me wonders if Maple might see past it. May ask what I'm really working for, what I'm really dreaming of. If she asked, I might just answer.

I grab a beer from the fridge and pop it open. I take a long drink as my eyes land on the kitchen table. There, lying on a stack of papers, I see the manila envelope from Asher.

Shit.

I'd pretended they'd never been delivered this morning, but here they are glaring me right in the eye. I can't look away. I pull them open already knowing what it's going to say and I'm right. I scan the letter.

Dear Mr. Filson Barre,

This is to inform you that the Snowy Valley City Council has denied your request for a change in property zoning for the parcel of land on Avalanche Ridge. This is in part due to the Council weighing the needs of the entire community of Snowy Valley. Please understand our commitment to satisfying the zoning needs of all of our citizens.

At this time, your request for the construction of a strip mall has also been rejected. Currently, it does not meet the needs of our community.

Regards,

Asher Martin, Head of Snowy Valley City CouncilAlong with the letter are the blueprints I hired an architect to draw up, plus the request for the zoning changes. All of them with a big red stamp in the center: DENIED.