“Morning, Doc,” the secretary said. “We’re hitting the ground running this morning.” She handed him a chart.
Taking it, he headed for the room where the patient waited. Still he didn’t see Helena. Half an hour later he was on his way back to the desk. With each step he wondered if Helena would exit one of the rooms. When she didn’t, he was both relieved and saddened. Time had to make this knot of anxiety ease. Yet it was one he’d chosen to carry.
At the unit desk again, he was unable to stop himself from asking, “Where is Dr. Tate?”
The secretary, who was now wearing felt reindeer antlers with bells attached on her head, said, “She’s not here. She swapped shifts.”
Frustration filled him. It wasn’t until he heard that news he grasped how much he had been looking forward to seeing her. Sleeping without her was almost impossible. It hadn’t been until he’d moved to the sofa that he’d managed to rest for a couple of hours.
* * *
The rest of the day dragged by despite the fact the department was super-busy. If he saw another injured ankle from slipping on the ice, it would be too soon. Maybe with Charles returning it was time to take some days off and go somewhere. Regroup, get his head straight again. With some time away, he could get his emotions, perspective, under control. The separation would ease things between them.
With that plan in mind, he turned to see Helena coming down the hall. She looked beautiful. Her cheeks were rosy, no doubt from her walk from the subway station. Her hair swung around her shoulders. His first inclination was to go to her and take her in his arms. Seeing her was like having the light turned on after hours of darkness.
Her eyes briefly met his before she looked at the floor again. In those seconds he’d seen sadness, weariness, and apprehension in them. Had she had as difficult a time sleeping as he had? Had she missed his arms around her as much as he’d missed holding her?
He hadn’t intended to hurt her. Their fling should have been fun, where they both parted with happy memories. Those he had, but now they were more bitter-sweet than anything. Above all he wanted her happiness.
“Hello, Helena.”
She squared her shoulders. “Elijah.”
His name was said so softly he barely heard it. “I understand you’re my relief tonight.”
With a nod, she moved behind the desk. He followed. She sat and he took the chair next to hers.
“How’re you?” he said quietly.
“I’m fine.” Her voice was stronger now, as if she was forcing herself to keep things normal. “So what do you have going?”
He sighed. She was keeping their interaction professional. If that was the way she wanted it then he would agree. Over the next few minutes he told her about patients who were either waiting for test results or were being admitted.
She pushed back the chair. “Then I’d better get to work.”
As she walked over to speak to a nurse the knot he’d carried all day in his gut grew larger. He just had to believe that if he waited long enough it would go away.
Elijah left the hospital as soon as he could, despite the desire to hang around a little longer. Entering his apartment, he found it huge and lonely without Helena there. It had been so nice to have someone to come home to the night she’d cooked dinner. Tonight he’d ordered in. He sat in the dark, flipping TV channels, as he poked at his Chinese noodles.
Breaking it off with Helena might have been the right thing to do but it certainly hadn’t made him happier. She’d changed him somehow. Made him a better person, yet he’d let her go. Was she right? Was he afraid? How had he let things between them come to this?
The knowledge that she was just a couple of blocks away tugged at him. Maybe he should go to the hospital and check on the department. No, he couldn’t do that. He would have to learn to live without her. Let her have her space.
He looked at the small Christmas tree across the room. She’d loved the little twinkling lights. Now they remained dark. Elijah picked it up and put it in the closet in the guest bedroom. It was just another reminder he didn’t need.
* * *
Helena walked toward the trauma cubicle that held her next patient. At least the night was busy, which give her less time to think. Anything but to think. She’d done enough of that before she’d come to work. She was sure the day had been the longest of her life. All she’d wanted to do one minute was to curl up in a ball and cry and the next she’d wanted to stomp into the hospital and shake Elijah for being such an idiot.
The first thing she’d done when she’d gotten home the night before had been to call back to the ER and ask if she could change shifts with one of the other doctors. Of course, her day shift was snatched up. Now, instead of working Saturday during the day, she was on the night shift. This way she wouldn’t have to worry about crossing paths with Elijah.
It had turned out she hadn’t completely got away with not seeing him. As luck would have it, she was his relief person and they’d had to speak to each other. Awkward didn’t even begin to describe it. What really got the better of her was that she still wanted to touch him, be kissed by him, feel his arms around her. With an invisible force his body pulled at her. Surely that would lessen with time, but if it didn’t she would just have to deal with it. She wasn’t going to leave Mercy because Elijah couldn’t deal with his past.
Most of the day she’d felt like a zombie, just walking around in a fog. She’d slept on the couch, just as she’d predicted she would. Just the thought of climbing into her bed without Elijah had made her heart squeeze in pain. She’d pulled a pillow off the bed to use on the sofa. When she’d lain her head on it, tears had flooded her eyes. Elijah’s smell had permeated it. The scent that was his alone with a hint of citrus. She’d had to remove the case and get a clean one.
Would there ever be any mercy?
It took forever for sleep to overtake her even then she tossed and turned. It was deep into the morning before she woke. Normally when she worked nights she would enjoy going to lunch somewhere special or do some shopping. Today she didn’t even want to get off the couch. She stared at the ceiling, counting the cracks in the plaster.
What Elijah had said repeatedly looped through her mind like a movie. Was she still running from her past? She thought she had accepted what had happened to her. Maybe she hadn’t. Was the guilt of not wanting the baby to begin with keeping her from having a relationship where another baby could be involved? Was she running from her fear? Elijah might be right. She shouldn’t be giving him advice unless she had her own house in order.
She needed to face something else as well. Her past and poor decisions couldn’t be allowed to dictate her future. She’d fallen in love as a teen. The love hadn’t been wrong. It had just been given to the wrong person. It was time for her to move on and accept she’d made a mistake. Wasn’t that what she’d told Elijah he needed to do? It was time to move past the choices she’d made, and that included Elijah. She wouldn’t let him control her life just because she’d stepped over the line he’d drawn. She loved him but if he didn’t return it then she needed to find someone who would.
It was that thought that propelled her to get up, take a shower and dress.
She’d fallen in love and there was nothing wrong with that. What she had to watch for was picking the right person. She would have sworn Elijah was that guy but if he wasn’t open to it that didn’t mean she should close her heart off. She would face him as a professional, do her job. As before, she’d once again been left behind but she wasn’t going to give up her dreams. Elijah would have to learn to live with her being around, just as she would deal with seeing him. That fortitude she’d found after she’d lost her baby she would call on again.
With a plan in mind she stepped through the staff door with her head high. She could do this. It was easier said than done. The second she saw Elijah she almost fell apart. Before she reached him, she pulled herself together. She watched his mouth as he gave her report. He had the most sinuous lips and she knew well what it felt like to have them kiss her. As soon as he was done, she left. Had to get away.