I knew right then that they were going to take my baby away from me, and I swear, my heart cracked in places it has never recovered from.
‘What do you want me to do, Dawn? You want me to snatch that little girl from her mother’s arms? The little girl you can’t bring yourself even to say the name of?’
‘Because every time I look at her all I see is that monster and what he did to my little girl!’
I didn’t really understand my mother’s heartbreak back then. I didn’t know why she couldn’t bring herself to even look at my baby. She never once said her name, never touched her even when I asked if she’d like to hold her. It would make me cry because I wanted everyone to love her as much as I did.
But only Cindy ever smiled at my baby and told her that she loved her. She was just ten years old, but she loved my daughter and wanted to hold her all the time, and I let her because at least someone cared.
‘I want you to call Shepard, Colin. Have him come here and take the baby. I don’t want to hurt Coral, but she’ll understand that it’s best for the child if she lives with a family who can give her everything she deserves. We can’t do that here, not when I resent her more and more each day that goes by.’
‘It’s not that baby’s fault that her father did what he did. She’s innocent, Dawn.’
‘I know that Colin, believe me, I know, and I don’t want her growing up thinking we don’t love her. It’s not that I don’t, I do, she’s part of us just as Coral is. But Coral and the baby deserve more than this. They both need looking after. Coral is my child, Colin. I need to take care of her.’
I shut out their words after that. My heart was breaking, nothing would mend it, and as I sat on my bed with my baby in my arms, I let myself cry. I cried so hard my mother and father came running into the room. The second I looked at them it registered in both their minds that I'd heard them.
‘Mommy, please don’t take her away from me.’ I wailed while pulling my baby closer to my chest. She was such a good baby, she hardly ever cried, and I took such good care of her. I didn’t understand why I wasn’t a good enough mother in my own mother’s eyes.
I know now that wasn’t the case, but it hurt so much nonetheless.
My mother took a seat beside me on my bed, tears falling from her blue eyes as she stroked the back of my head. ‘I’m not doing this to hurt you, Coral. That is the last thing I want, but you’re just a child. You can’t take care of her permanently. You have school, Daddy and I have to work, we can’t afford to pay someone to take care of her while we’re not here. She needs a family who can be there for her all the time.’
I turned my eyes to my daughter and kissed her head as she sucked on her tiny little pacifier, her little jaw moving up and down now and again.
My father crouched down in front of me, his hand on my face, drawing my vision to him. ‘You are a wonderful mother, Coral. We know how much you love this little girl, and I know you want what’s best for her, don’t you?’
I nodded my head. The truth was, I did want what was best for her. I thought at that moment that maybe I wasn’t what was best for her. I couldn’t afford to buy her the things she deserved. I couldn’t have saved money for her to go to college. I’d never have been able to finish school, which meant I’d never get into college, and that meant I wouldn’t be able to get a job worth anything. We’d end up poor and in some dump of a place to live because I knew my parents would never afford to be able to keep us indefinitely. Which meant my daughter wouldn't have the kind of childhood she deserved.
Even at the age of thirteen, I knew no child should ever have to grow up like that. Cindy and I had a good childhood. We weren’t rich, but we had everything we needed. How would I be able to give my baby the same?
My heart hurt so much, but I knew they were right, Elisha deserved more. She deserved a family who could give her everything I couldn’t. I had to do what was best for my daughter. So that’s what I did, and it didn’t matter how much it hurt me to do so.
‘You will make sure they’re nice people, won’t you? I don’t want her to go to people who won’t love her the way I do.’
‘They’ll be the best there is, Coral, I promise you that.’
‘How long do I have left with her?’ I swallowed back a sob. I could see the pain in my father’s eyes. It was hurting him to see me so upset.
‘I’ll call Shepard in the morning. He’ll let us know. But not much longer, baby girl. I don’t want to hurt you, but the longer we drag this out, the harder it will be to let go.’
I nodded and said no more. My parents left my room, and I sobbed my heart out, holding my baby girl close to me all night long.
Shepard came a few days later. I kept a smile on my face as I showed my baby off to him and BlackJack. They both held her, told me how beautiful she was, and that meant the world to me.
Shepard sat me down and told me what was about to happen. I got the feeling he thought I didn’t know, I could see the anger in his eyes toward my parent's because of it.
Might have been because I was acting like I didn’t know. I thought if I let it in I’d crack and never be the same again.
Shepard was good to me, told me that Elisha was going to the best family he could find. That he knew them and they were good people, had plenty of money, so she’d never go without the things she’d need. She’d go to the best schools, an excellent college, and she’d have a wonderful life.
He even told me that one day, when my daughter was ready, she’d come looking. He’d make sure her new parent’s told her where to find him, and that once she had, he’d send her in my direction, and I have held onto that promise for eight long years. I know I have at least ten more before she’ll even be told about me.
The trouble is, if they don’t tell her from an early age that she was adopted, she might not understand why they’ve blown her life apart.
Will she ever understand why I did what I did?
I can only hope that the letter I wrote and handed to Shepard for him to give to Elisha’s new parent’s ends up in her hands, when she’s old enough to read it, of course.
If she does read it, she’ll know why I did what I did. I left nothing out of that letter but my name. Shepard told me not to put that down. I still don't understand why.
I love you, Elisha. Mommy has always loved you, and one day, we’ll be together again, and when that day comes, I will hold you so close to me and tell you just how much I love you, how I never stopped thinking about you, and how I will never let you go again.
“Everything okay?”
I look up from my desk. I only started this job last month. Mason’s Accounting is one of the largest accounting firms in the state. It’s quite a drive each morning from the apartment I share with Denise – yeah, I’m still there – forty-five minutes to be
exact. However, it’s the only job I could get, and I got sick of being let down. I’d applied for so many positions with some many companies while working at the department store, but this was the only one who called me back for an interview and then hired me.
You’d think being two years ahead in academics would have helped me get a damn job faster, but I guess nothing works out like you think will.
My new boss, Neil Ross, is a pig of a man. He has made it quite clear what he’d like to do to me should he get the chance. Will never happen. However, he’s starting to get on my nerves. He’s always up in my personal space, always finding a reason to bother me while I’m trying to work, always finds a chance to touch me, his hand on my shoulder, his hand brushing mine – accidentally, or so he says. Likely story.
I feel uncomfortable working here. I shouldn’t feel uncomfortable this early in the damn job. If I could afford to walk away, I would, but I can’t. If I want to stay in Tennessee, and I do want to stay, then I need to work. I can’t survive without money in the bank. A girl needs to eat and pay her way.
The trouble is, Stryker has started to notice my change in mood. I don’t mean to be that way, but I feel so down just lately. I can’t seem to shake the depressive mood I find myself in every time I walk into this building. I hate this job, but until I find something else I have no choice but to work here.
“Yes, Mr. Ross, everything is fine. I’m just finishing this spreadsheet before lunch.”
“You’re a hard worker, Coral.” There he is again with his hand on my shoulder. It makes me cringe. I’m not a weak woman, I went through too much as a child and came through the other end to be weak. However, I find it hard to be around men like this.