A Billionaire for Christmas

I’m pretty sure there’s a joke in there somewhere—three men, three babies—but I can’t seem to find it at the moment.

Anyway. Natalie currently has two dudes on her arms. She’s wearing them like jewelry. And she’s talking to my almost-sister-in-law, Brooke—who is now a full-time Bright Berry Beach independent cosmetic sales consultant for corporate parties, or… something?—and my actual, sorta-not-brother, Joey, and their two other partners, Wald and Huck, over by the punch bowl.

I’m reading their lips and formulating my own make-believe conversation as I watch this interaction go down…

Natalie to Brooke: So, do you all sleep in the same bed?

It starts out tame, but to the point.

Brooke to Natalie: Oh, no. We take turns. There’s just not a bed big enough to accommodate four sexy people such as ourselves at the same time.

Natalie to Joey: How’s that work? Do you guys have a schedule? Like… you get Brooke on Monday and Thursdays?

Joey to Natalie: Blank face with eye blinking.

Huck to Natalie: I get Joey on Mondays and Thursdays.

Natalie to Huck: Blank face with eye blinking.

Wald to Natalie: He’s kidding. He gets me on Mondays and Thursdays.

Natalie’s Boyfriend Number One: Hahaha. (as he elbows Natalie’s Boyfriend Number Two)

Natalie’s Boyfriend Number Two: Side-eyeing Number One.

Natalie to Wald: Interesting.

Natalie’s Boyfriend Number One: Very interesting. I’d like to hear more.

Natalie’s Boyfriend Number Two: Who needs more pot brownies?

Huck to Natalie: Are you into swinging? Because we are.

Natalie to Huck: Hahaha.

But then Number Two walks off and Joey starts kissing Brooke, and Huck grabs Joey’s ass, and Wald…

Yeah. I’m out. I like Brooke, Wald, and Huck, but I really don’t understand the logistics of their relationship. They cannot all fit in one bed. I mean, I guess they could make it work for some foursome sex, but sleeping? Where do they sleep? When Emma and I go over to visit them Joey calls Brooke’s room his room. And Brook calls Joey’s room her room. And both Huck and Wald have bedrooms on the lower level… so where do they sleep?

God, this bugs me. I need to know where they sleep!

I swing my gaze across the room to Johnny. Which—can I just say?—is hilarious. That he has to be here at this holiday party because Megan is now a full-time Bright Berry Beach employee. She’s Hannah’s new lab tech. Cooks up lipstick flavors or something.

Is it weird that the Boston brothers are now all connected to Bright Berry Beach? Is that too many B’s? I’m not sure. Maybe it’s not weird. But if Zach Boston ends up at next year’s party, I will have to give this question some serious consideration.

Emma saunters over to me, still belting out Jingle Bell Rock and shaking her jingle bells, and I pause my people-watching to beam a smile at her.

So. Cute.

This girl is so cute.

Which reminds me. I still want to fuck her on her desk before we leave tonight. Preferably while the party is still in full swing with I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas subtly filtering up from the corporate office lobby…

But before I can grab Emma around the waist and whisk her off to the escalator that goes up to the executive offices, she’s moved on. Singing to someone else.

I catch Johnny’s eye from across the room and start heading that way. Megan is busy talking to what’s-his-face near the dessert table, equally enthralled with the blinking red lights on his antlers and the red and green macaron tray in front of her, so Johnny is all alone.

He’s not really social, so I figure I’m doing him a favor by coming by. But just as I open my mouth to say something, his phone buzzes in his pocket, and I pause.

I look at his pocket, then him.

He ignores the phone. Stares back at me.

“Aren’t you going to get that?”

“I know who it is. So. No.”

“Who is it?”

He sighs. It’s one of those I’m-bored sighs. Or I’m-going-to-kill-you-now-if-you-keep-talking sighs. One or the other.

Have I mentioned I’m the charming one in the family?

I am.

“Fucking Alonzo.”

“Alonzo.” I say this not as a question, exactly. But it’s definitely confusion. “Alonzo… as in my almost-brother-in-law?”

“The very one.”

“Why is he calling you?”

“Do you think they’re sneaky?”

“Who?”

“The fuckin’ Dumas family.”

“Sneaky how?”

“You know.” He juts his chin at me. “Like us.”

I shake my head and squint my eyes. “What?”

“Never mind.”

“No, tell me.”

“You’re heading down there tomorrow, right?”

“Yup. Spending the whole week there. I can’t wait.” I really dig the Dumas family. Even though all Emma’s brothers regularly size me up like they’re about to jump my ass, I still like them. They’re all just so… likable.

“Well…” Johnny looks side to side all craftily, like he’s about to tell me a secret. “Set your alarm for three AM and look out your window at Jack and Silvia’s house.”

“Why?”

“No reason.”

Now it’s my turn to sigh. Ever since Johnny came back from the Caribbean last summer, he’s been weirdly cagey, but not dangerously cagey. If that makes sense. And it does. To me, anyway. First of all, he really didn’t come back with any information. Just this girl Megan. Who is some sort of scientist? But everything seemed to get better.