A Billionaire for Christmas

He slams on the brakes and we crash together, laughing. OK, so this whole thing is pretty… eh, trashy? Maybe? But… it is fun. I kinda feel like this is the plot of the next Christmas Vacation movie. It has a decent setup for that, for sure.

The van door swings open and an older woman with short gray hair smiles brightly at us. “Welcome to the New York, New York Hotel and Casino! Please come with me for your fabulous Fingers Wedding experience!”

Emma takes a deep breath. “Ready?”

And you know what?

I am ready.

So ready to make this woman my wife.

I grab her hand and help her out of the van. The greeter says, “Follow me, please. We have to hurry. The ceremony is about to start.”

Oh, good. I don’t want to rush us or anything. But we really don’t have a lot of time here. We walk fast and Greeter Grandma leads us past the reception desk and over to the elevators. We get in, go up to the second floor, and then head on over to the Big Apple Coaster.

There’s a wedding party already there. Bride, groom, etc, etc. Everybody chatting and excited about the big upcoming moment. But no one else. It’s only then that I notice the coaster isn’t even open yet. This is all being done before operating hours.

Emma squeezes my hand. “Oh, my God. I’m nervous. Are you nervous?”

“Little bit,” I admit. But then I look at her and shake my head. “Nah. I’m not nervous. I can’t wait.”

Grandma and one of the coaster workers walk over to the wedding party and a hushed, but heated discussion starts.

“What’s going on?” Emma asks.

“I dunno.”

Then all of them look over at us. Several people are frowning.

“Shit, what’s happening, Jesse?”

But then it’s pretty clear what’s happening. Because a strap of cash appears in Grandma’s hand. She waves it in front of the bride and groom and their annoyed expressions turn to surprise.

They look at us again, then down at the money, then at each other.

The bride takes the neat strap of cash into her hand, which I can deduce is probably either five thousand dollars, if the notes are fifties, or ten thousand dollars, if the notes are hundreds.

Either way, it’s a lot of tax-free cash and I suddenly wonder how much Fingers charges for his fantasy weddings.

Clarence still has my credit card.

But I don’t have any more time to think about that because the bride nods, stuffs the strap into her bra, and Grandma turns and waves us forward.

“OK, Fugosi family wedding party!” an organizer shouts. “We’re this way! Follow me!”

I glance at Grandma, but she’s already walking off.

“What do we do?” Emma asks.

“Uh… follow the wedding party, I guess.”

So that’s what we do. We follow them back to the coaster line-up and end up on the station platform. The Fugosis are being ushered into the waiting train that’s painted up to look like a yellow cab in New York City, bride and groom in the front car, and then a worker points to us and the seat directly behind the bride and groom.

“Here goes nothing,” Emma squeals, as she climbs in and takes a seat.

I get in, and then suddenly everything is happening very fast. The restraint harnesses are slammed down by a large man with a long beard. Then he hands Emma and I a pair of wraparound earbuds and points to his ears. “Put them on,” he says. “That’s how you hear the wedding.”

“Got it,” I say, adjusting my earbuds.

Emma does the same and then there’s a voice in my ears. “Karen and Chad!” the tinny voice says. “Are you ready for the first day of the rest of your life?”

The wedding party cheers. But Emma is grabbing my arm. “What the fuck? Karen and Chad?”

“Yeah, that’s weird, babe.”

She looks around. “Is this some kind of joke?”

But clearly there is a Karen and Chad, and they are dressed up like bride and groom, so... “I think it’s real. Just… a very weird coincidence.”

She opens her mouth to say something, but then the train is moving forward and the—

reverend? Priest? Wedding official?—begins the ceremony with, “We are gathered here together to celebrate the union of Karen and Chad…”

Emma and I look at each other and shrug as we approach the first hill and start climbing. Fuck it. We knew this was just the practice run and we have two more chances to get married after this, so who cares if we’re coaster-bombing the Fugosi wedding?

“Chad, do you promise to love and cherish Karen? Through the highs and lows, through the good and the bad?”

We reach the top of the hill and there’s a moment of high expectations and jittery silence before the announcer continues, “Through sickness and health, for as long as you live, or until you die on the Big Apple Coaster?”