A Billionaire for Christmas

Again, there is already another wedding planned. And again, there is a bundle of money involved as Larry talks to the bride and groom.

But this time, they do not take the money. They stand firm. No way. No how. They are not gonna do it.

But Larry is cool and calm. He pulls out yet another bundle of money from a hidden pocket inside his blue velour track jacket.

Jesse says, “Shit. Do you think those are fifties? Or hundreds?”

I have no idea. But it doesn’t matter. The bride and groom hold firm and shake their heads again.

Larry approaches, frowning. “They want more because they had the deluxe package with a top-notch photographer and there’s no way to fit them in the schedule for later today. It’s full.”

“More than what?” Jesse asks. “Not that I care.” He looks at me with a smile. “I’m OK with paying them if we can get this moving. But… how much are we talking here?”

“I offered them twenty.”

“Twenty thousand dollars?” I ask.

“They said no.”

“OK. Double it,” Jesse says. “Give them forty.”

I look down at myself. I’m just wearing jeans and a t-shirt. And that’s fine, I guess. But I’m so hot and my hair is a mess. “If we get a professional photographer, I can’t get married in this! I’m all sweaty and gross from running down the Strip!” I shoot Larry a glare at that last part. Because what the fuck? Why have a Fingermobile if you’re not going to use it?

“I can ask if they will throw in the dress,” Larry offers. “But it might cost you another ten grand.”

I eyeball the bride’s dress. She looks like she stepped straight out of a heavy metal music video from nineteen eighty-eight. I’m talking a white high-low leather dress with a ragged sharkbite hem and shoulder pads with spiky metal studs lining the long sleeves of her arms. But the best part—ha—is the white leather thigh-high boots with matching metal spikes and the white-lace fingerless gloves. The groom looks like he might actually work somewhere nearby as a Bon Jovi lookalike.

They seem to be taking this whole pirate wedding thing very literally.

“No way,” I tell Jesse. “I’m not wearing that.”

Jesse sighs and runs his fingers through his hair. He pulls out his phone and checks the time. “Babe. We only have thirty minutes before we have to leave. We’re not gonna make it to the third wedding at this point.”

“But my custom dress! The mean Russian lady is working so hard on it!”

“I know. But…” He looks at the bride and groom, then back at me. “This might be our only chance to have a real wedding.”

“My hair is a mess too,” I whine. “I don’t want wedding photos of me looking like some metal-head wannabe!”

“OK, hold on,” Larry says. “I have an idea.” He holds up one finger and then walks off to the bride and groom.

“Oh, fuck. He just pulled out three more straps of money,” Jesse says. He looks at me again. “I’m not complaining about the money, OK—”

“I don’t care about the money.” But that certainly explains his pot belly under the track suit. It was literally made of money. “If we have to leave in thirty minutes, fine. But that wedding on the coaster was… I mean, what was that?”

“I don’t know. It was weird, right?”

“It definitely wasn’t legal. I did scream ‘I do,’ but I’m not Karen and you’re not Chad.”

“Do we even have the legal paperwork to get married?”

“No clue.”

“I’m starting to have serious doubts about Fingers’ Fantasy Weddings.”

“Starting?” I laugh.

“I knew this was a scam. Maybe we should just skip it and go home?”

I’m actually considering that when Larry comes back. “OK. We’ve got it all sorted. They took the fifty grand and the dress—”

“I’m not wearing that dress.”

“No,” Larry agrees. “They said it’s custom and cost well over what I just paid for the bribe—”

I snort. Whatever.

“—but the costume department said they will dress you for the wedding for an extra one large.”

I look at Jesse and he shrugs. “What’s a thousand dollars more at this point, right?”

I nod and actually smile. “A real pirate wedding?” I ask Larry.

“Real pirate wedding. All the actors are ready for this one. They even have a wig for you, Miss Emma.”

I clap. “OK. Let’s do this!”

Immediately a team of people appear and whisk me down a hallway. I look over my shoulder at Jesse, but he’s being whisked away by another team in the opposite direction. And I don’t know… this kinda maybe feels more like how it’s supposed to be. Both of us getting ready in different places so we’ll be surprised when we meet up again.

And all this is going to happen on a pirate ship!

My team directs me to a makeup chair in front of a mirror and gets busy. Two girls are putting make-up on me at once. Like… lots of makeup. Stage makeup, I realize. But OK. I get it. It’s a show. Plus, they do this every day. They must know what looks good.