Now it feels like we were never apart. I know that’s dumb since we were apart for thirteen years, but we just slid right into this new relationship like we didn’t miss a single minute. We really are ‘that couple’ and this whole adventure in Vegas just proves it. Because for sure, it’s been a crazy few hours, but I kinda love this craziness almost as much as I love Emma Dumas.
Sven’s voice is suddenly in my head. “OK, folks. This is it. Let’s get hitched!”
Sven unbuckles me and Blain unbuckles Emma. And then we’re standing up and they’re clipping us to the tandem harnesses. Just as that happens, another guy whooshes open the door of the plane and the wind whips in.
The captain’s voice is now in our helmets as Sven and Blain maneuver us towards the edge.
“We are gathered here together today to join Emma and Jesse as…” the captain begins.
“Holy shit,” Emma says. “What are we doing?”
“It’s OK,” Blain assures her with a little nudge towards the open door.
“… they proclaim their love and commitment to the world. This is a moment for reflection, and rejoicing. To acknowledge their bond and…”
“OK, let’s go, folks!” Sven yells over the captain’s speech.
And then I’m thinking… Yeah, what the hell are we doing? We’re gonna jump out of a plane? “Wait!”
But it’s too late. Sven pushes me forward and we go tumbling out the door. And even with the helmet on, the whipping wind is loud. My suit is flapping and it’s cold. Very cold.
“Holy shit!” I yell.
Over the headset, the captain continues. “Jesse, you are here to proclaim your love for Emma. Emma, you are here to pledge yourself to Jesse…”
Then… there she is. Emma. My beautiful bride. Laughing and smiling as she reaches for me with her hands. And somehow, Sven and Blain have maneuvered us so we’re facing each other. I reach for her too. Our fingertips touch and I grab onto her with everything I can and pull her closer to me.
“Do you, Jesse…” But that’s all I hear. Or, actually, I hear things, but only static.
“Hey!” I yell. “I can’t hear!” But my voice sounds muffled and distant. “My headset stopped working! I can’t hear the vows!”
Emma’s saying something too. Then her hand slips out from mine and she floats away.
“Emmaaaa!”
I see her say, “Jesseeeee!” And then…
Whoosh!
She flies upwards and disappears from my view.
What the fuck? We didn’t even say ‘I do!’
But then I’m jerked upwards and holy fuck. The harness cuts into the soft flesh under my arms and it fuckin’ hurts.
But there’s no time to think about that because the earth is getting closer and closer. Sven maneuvers us in small circles, and then before I know it our feet are on the ground and we’re running.
Of course, I trip, fall down, and take Sven with me.
He unclips us, turns me over, and holds out his hand.
I take it and let him pull me to my feet. But as soon as I’m steady, I take off my helmet. “What the hell was that?”
He claps me on the back. Pretty hard. Too hard, actually. “Congratulations!”
“Congratulations? We didn’t even say ‘I do!’”
“What?”
“Dude.” I point to him. “Do not fuck with me. You know we didn’t say ‘I do’ because the headsets stopped working just as we got to the vows.”
“Awww. Nah. That’s not what happened. I heard you say ‘I do.’”
“I did not say ‘I do.’” I look around and find Emma coming towards me, pulling off her helmet and shaking out her hair. She’s smiling big.
“Oh. My. God!” she says, nearly breathless. “That was the best wedding ever!”
“What? No! I couldn’t hear! I didn’t say ‘I do!’”
Emma frowns. “What? Are you sure? I thought I heard you say—”
“I didn’t! I couldn’t hear anything after ‘Do you, Jesse!’”
“Oh. Well…” She looks at Sven. “Well, that sucks.”
“It’s still legal,” Sven insists.
“How can it be legal?” I ask. “And that’s not even the point! I didn’t get to say ‘I do!’”
“Maybe we can do it again?” Emma offers.
But both Sven and Blain are both shaking their heads. “No can do,” Sven says.
“We’re booked up for the rest of the day,” Blain adds.
I turn away and take a deep breath. Because you know what? Fuck this.
“Fuck this,” I say. “We’re out of here. I’m so done with weddings. Fingers can just fuck off. His fantasy weddings were all bullshit and fake. That Treasure Island wedding? Not even a wedding! He lied to us and we actually took the place of the freaking show performers! And that Big Apple Coaster wedding? We weren’t even the couple getting married! This whole thing is a scam!”
I take Emma’s hand and tug her along after me as we head back towards the hangar where our clothes are.
And fuck me now. All we have to wear is pirate clothes.