A Billionaire for Christmas

Then we’re going downward and Emma has to brace herself against me so she doesn’t fall over. The tires squeal with a familiar and distinct echo as we spiral down a ramp.

“A parking garage,” Emma whispers. “I think we’re in a parking garage.”

I think she’s right. This can’t be good.

The van stops and almost immediately someone is opening the doors and pulling us out. They say nothing. And even though I want to ask all the questions, there’s no point. They were probably instructed to be quiet and just bring us in.

All we can do is walk. Someone has a firm grip on my arm, leading me along a long hallway. I can hear people. I feel like we’re close to a very crowded place. A casino, probably. But which one? I consider yelling. Calling for help. But the low murmur of people isn’t that close. It almost feels like we’re in a separate part of a building. If I called out no one would hear me. Well, no one except for the person who has a hold of my arm.

I force myself to be calm. Once they take the hood off and we know where we are, I can try to negotiate.

Maybe they only want money?

God, I hope they only want money.

We enter a new room filled with the sounds of generators. Maybe AC units or something similar. All I know is that the crowd hum is gone and in its place is the white noise of machinery.

We stop.

We wait.

The person who had a hold of my arm lets go and then I can hear the faint sound of footsteps over the noise in the room.

“Hey!” I call.

“Oh, my God,” Emma says. “What’s happening? Did they just leave us here?”

But then someone is behind me. I try to turn around, but another person grabs my shoulder.

Strong hands grab my shoulders, holding me still, and I think to myself… This is it. It all ends here. In Vegas, after a crazy day of weddings where we never actually managed to get married. In some dark, kinda stinky room that reminds me of…

Wait.

“The ocean?” I say.

“Yeah,” Emma says. “I smell it too.”

Then the zipties around my wrists are cut and the hood is pulled off my head.

It takes me several whole seconds to take in where I am and what I’m looking at.

“An aquarium?”

And that’s when I see Cowboy Clarence smiling and rocking back and forth on his heels like he’s just pulled off the wedding of the century.

“What the hell?” I say.

“Mr. and Mrs. Boston,” Clarence starts.

I’m about to say something about that—including all the ways in which we are so not Mr. and Mrs. Boston right now—but Emma beats me to it.

“Uh. No!” she exclaims. “We are not Mr. and Mrs. Boston because you—you slimy, cheating, filthy, lying cowboy!—you ruined every single wedding we tried to have today!”

Clarence presses his hands forward, like he’s trying to ward off Emma’s upcoming rage.

But I’m with Emma. “What the actual fuck, dude? We were literally two seconds away from saying ‘I do’ back at the Shotgun Wedding when your… stupid Mob boss barged in and ruined it!”

“Now, listen—” Clarence starts.

“No, you listen!” Emma yells. “We missed Christmas Eve dinner with our family because of you! We are stuck in Las Vegas when we should be in Key West because of you! That rollercoaster wedding wasn’t even for us! The pirate wedding was actually not a wedding, but a stupid show. And by the way, my almost-husband could’ve been killed swinging from those ropes trying to save me.” She air-quotes the ‘save me’ part, which I kinda love. “Then you throw us out of a plane and… and what? Did you fuck up the mics on purpose? I don’t get it! You make no sense! Then you send Cousin Vinnie to talk us into the perfect, over-the-top Italian Wedding, which, also by the way, I loved. And then you ruin everything by sending in some Mob boss to kill everyone!”

“They’re not dead,” Clarence explains. “It was all fake!”

“I knew it was fake!” Emma screams. She’s pissed. “That’s even worse! Because we thought we were running for our lives! I was so… so… kerfluffled, I actually hallucinated my childhood nemesis, Kraken—”

She stops.

Because—what the fuck?—Kraken Karen walks out from the shadows and smiles at Emma. Actually has the nerve to smile at her!

“Not a hallucination,” the Kraken quips. “That was all my idea!”

Emma lunges at her, hands out in a choking gesture, like she’s about to wrap them around Karen’s throat.

I grab her arm just in time and pull her into me. Hug her tight. Because I’m pretty sure Emma is gonna murder that chick.

“Your idea!” Emma screams. “I will kill you with my bare hands for ruining my wedding! Are you that small and self-obsessed that you had to ruin our whole day just because we didn’t want you to plan our wedding and fuck up my wedding photos with your Kraken face? God, you are such a bitch! You really need to get a life!”