“Mrs. Vitiello, you can come in now,” a nurse said. Her voice was polite but her expression held tension and whenever her eyes darted to Matteo, even fear. I didn’t even want to know what Luca and Matteo had told the clinic staff to ensure their discretion.
Matteo rose and after a moment of hesitation, I did the same. Matteo’s hand around mine was warm and strong, and his face was reassuring. Again I tried to find his true feelings in his eyes but they were guarded in a way I hadn’t seen in a long time.
He led me toward the treatment room but I froze in the doorway, my eyes landing on the treatment chair I’d soon find myself in for the examination before the actual abortion. My chest clenched and I could barely breathe. Matteo peered at me, his brows drawing together. “Gianna?”
I swallowed and shook my head slowly. “I can’t,” I whispered.
The nurse stepped back to give us privacy. Matteo moved very close, shielding me from the room and its occupants, a doctor and another nurse, with his tall frame. “It’s okay. Whatever you do, it’ll be okay.”
I shook my head again. “I don’t want to be a mother. I don’t want a child.”
Matteo frowned. “Okay.”
“But I can’t do this. I can’t get rid of it.”
“Okay,” Matteo said again but I could tell that he was confused.
“I just can’t.” I knew I’d feel guilty because it wasn’t like money was a problem. We had enough money so a dozen nannies could raise the kid. Matteo’s and my life wouldn’t even change… but I knew that even that wasn’t an option. I was confused and overwhelmed. “I can’t,” I said again, taking a step back.
Matteo nodded. “All right. I’ll settle things with the doctors. Why don’t you wait in the car?”
He held out his keys and I took them, then turned and walked out of the clinic. My feet carried me on their own and finally I found myself in the car, on the driver’s seat. I felt like everything was shifting, as if the ground was being pulled from under my feet. I needed time to think about this, needed time to come to terms with the raging emotions inside of me. This was it. I’d grow a baby I didn’t even want.
I could barely see the street ahead of me through my tear-blurry vision. From the corner of my eye, I saw Matteo’s name flashing across my phone screen. I ignored it. I couldn’t talk to him right now. I wasn’t sure what to say when I barely knew what I felt. Despair and guilt were very high on the list, but so many more emotions battled for attention as well.
I wasn’t sure how long I drove around aimlessly until finally my tear-swollen eyes forced me to pull over. I couldn’t even remember the last time I’d felt like this, the last time I’d cried this hard.
Eventually, I steered the car back to our apartment building. My legs shook like leaves in the wind as I staggered into our penthouse and sank down on the floor with my back against the wall.
Thirty minutes later, Luca of all people found me ugly crying in the same spot. Of course, he still had the security code.
I’d thought I’d gotten a grip on myself after the car ride but once I found myself back in our home, all walls broke down.
Luca’s gray eyes settled on me, his face impassive.
“What? No assholy comment?” I snapped, embarrassed that he saw me like this. Even in front of Aria and Matteo I hardly showed so much emotion.
“Matteo went insane with worry over you,” Luca said as he towered over me.
“I sent him a text message.” I wasn’t sure how coherent it had been but I had definitely showed him I was alive.
“I need time to think, that was supposed to set him at ease?” Luca muttered.
I shrugged and wrapped my arms tighter around my legs. A wave of nausea crept up but I forced it back. I wasn’t sure if it was the first signs of pregnancy or my inner turmoil.
Luca released a low breath. “You are not alone. You have Matteo. You have family, Gianna. We have your back.”
“I still don’t want to raise the kid. I don’t want to be a mother… but I just can’t get rid of it. What am I supposed to do now?”
“Aria suspected something like that.”
Of course, she did. Aria had a sixth sense when it came to me.
“But how can I give birth to a baby and then give it away?”
“You won’t give it away—”
I glared up at him but he continued, “Because Aria and I talked about it, and we’re going to adopt it.”
My eyes grew wide. “You… what?” I tried to understand what he was offering. “But you can’t even stand me.”