He Made Me Stay

Jasper

September 1

I wasn’t supposed to feel this much pain.

It aches. It suffocates. It maddens.

The loneliness that feeds the pain is sick and twisted. It’s all I can think about. I can taste it and hear it. I’m no longer me but am drowning beneath the weight of the devastation, losing sight of everything I am.

Twins are meant to enter the world together.

It’s only right they leave the world together.

Losing my brother—my fucking other half—has been catastrophic to my soul. I’m left empty and hemorrhaging, unable to staunch the flow of pain. It’s overwhelming.

I can’t take it anymore.

The sounds of my classmates laughing and teasing one another before the bell rings are muted. Faded into the background. Another dull part of my life now that Julian’s gone and the color drained away with him. They carry on like nothing affects them.

If they lost half of their soul, they would understand.

As it stands, no one does.

I’m all alone with nothing but my pain to keep me company. I don’t want this pain. I can’t bear it. Mom and Dad are stronger, older, wiser. They are coping.

I am losing the battle.

It’s not a battle I care to win.

While the chaos continues around me, I shove my shaky hand into the pocket of my jeans, seeking out my solution. My thirty answers for one big problem. The bottle filled with little bite-sized, daily shots of forced happiness may not mean much when you look at them individually, but together, it’s my ticket out.

After class.

I just need to make it through this first hour. I’m not sure why I chose this time, but it felt right. When I started considering what I wanted to do this summer—though not exactly with these pills since I just got them—there was always an excuse not to.

Mom needed help cleaning out Julian’s things.

Dad wanted someone to help him organize his albums.

The elderly neighbors needed yardwork done.

Then, after an agonizingly lonely summer—my first summer without my brother—I started my senior year. A year Julian looked forward to so much.

Football. College. Girls.

Julian knew twelfth grade would be his. My brother, the extrovert and most popular athlete in our school, was looking forward to his best year.

He’ll forever be immortalized as a junior in high school.

I’ve passed him up on age and everything else.

It’s not right.

He’s. My. Twin.

The tears no longer come. I’m wrung dry. My soul is empty and my heart is a husk. I have nothing left to give. Mom is pregnant. The twins will come soon. She won’t even need me anymore.

Someone speaks to me, but I have no words. Julian always had the words. It was because of Julian they even hung out with me. He was better looking, nicer, and made people feel good about themselves.

I’m just Jasper.

The Darrow twin who stood in his brother’s shadow.

Clutching the pill bottle tighter inside my pocket, I glance up at the clock. It ticks by so slowly I feel as though it’s mocking me. Dangling the proverbial carrot in front of me. Taunting me by keeping me from my brother.

Mr. Halston hurries into the room, flashing his grin at everyone. Physics isn’t fun. A full week of that this school year and I can already tell you that. Mr. Halston likes to pretend otherwise.

Last year, I crushed on him. Julian teased me endlessly. Mr. Halston is every gay guy’s wet dream. Tall, dark, handsome. Scruff for days. A deep voice that vibrates your very being.

This year is different because I feel nothing for the life I used to have.

I have no future. No goals. Sex seems pointless when you have no heart left.

Rather than getting a tingly sensation buzzing through me at his arrival that smells like coffee with a hint of hazelnut, all I can do is stare. His gaze passes over me, just like it does each day for the past week since school started. Tiny wrinkles form between his brows as he studies me with concern.

I look away.

If only he knew what I planned to do right after his class is over, he’d probably try and stop me. Nothing will stop me now. I’ve made up my mind, pulled the pin out of the grenade, and just need to drop it. After class. After class I will hide out in the bathroom, choke down my Lexapro, and find my brother.

I can’t stay here any longer.

I just can’t stay.

The bell rings, sending everyone to their seats and lowering their volume level. Mr. Halston may be a cool teacher, but he demands respect. The dull roar morphs into a quiet chatter as he busies himself calling roll. When he reaches Darrow, the room goes deathly silent.

Their pity rolls toward me likes waves in the ocean, each one slapping me with a cold, salty sting. I want to recoil, but I remain still as I lift my free hand.