He Made Me Stay

“She sounds like she had her hands full with him.” Kit chuckles. “Let me guess. You were the easygoing twin?”

“He drove her nuts with his new ideas, but she loved him for it. We all did. I enjoyed watching him rile her up and making her laugh. It’s what Julian did. He was always the star, bright and shining.”

“He sounds like a great guy,” Kit says. “I’m sad I never got to meet him. Who knows, maybe I could have dated twins. Mom would really have a heart attack then.”

I chuckle, playfully tickling his ribs. “He was straight. Plus, you’re mine. I would’ve fought him off you.”

“I don’t know. If he showed up in a tutu offering to make me dinner while speaking in a British accent, you would’ve had some stiff competition.”

We both laugh.

It feels good speaking about Julian like he’s here. Remembering the good, fun stuff about him. Sharing that with someone.

“Jasper?”

“Yeah, Kit?”

“Tonight…what happened. You can’t do that again. You need to talk to your parents about it. If you want, I can be there when you do. It’s not okay. Those feelings and that desire is not okay.”

“I know.”

“You’ll talk to them?”

“Yeah. I just hate to put that on them. Mom especially since the babies are coming.”

“You’re their son. They’ll want you to confide in them. They’ll want to help you.”

I know he’s right.

“I’m afraid to see the disappointment in their eyes,” I whisper. “I don’t want to let them down.”

“They love you. I promise they’ll be there to support you one hundred percent.”

My feelings for Kit are overwhelming. A surge of happiness explodes through me. I need to touch him. To kiss him. I press my lips to his, a sweet kiss at first, but then I plunge my tongue into his mouth, needing to taste him. He groans as we kiss with urgency. Had he not called out to me earlier, I would’ve swallowed those pills. I would’ve missed this kiss. I would’ve missed a whole lot.

Kit pulls away, his pupils dilated and he’s panting for air. “Jasper.”

“Mmm?” I lean forward for a kiss, but he clutches my jaw, stopping me.

“I want you to stay. I need you to promise.”

“For how long?”

“Until the very end. Decades and decades away.”

That’s a long time to wait to see Julian, but it’s also a lot of time to spend kissing Kit.

“I’ll stay,” I vow, my eyes locking with his.

The next kiss I give him is filled with promise. I can practically taste the binding oath of it. I can’t leave this earth. Not when people like Kit would miss me.

Julian will wait for me.

When I finally see him and he asks me what took so long, I’ll say, “He made me stay.” My brother will get it. He’ll understand. And then he’ll take me on an adventure in the afterlife, showing me all the dark corners he’s lit up there. I’ll experience every single one with him.

Until then, I have to be like Julian.

Love hard.

Learn every day like it’s my last.

Stay strong.Jasper

September 30It’s bittersweet as I blow out my eighteen candles. Julian’s not here to blow them out with me. I have to do it alone for the first time in my entire life.

But I’m not alone.

Sitting at my table are Kit, my parents, and my twin brother and sister who were born five days ago. I took my last pill this morning. Anxiety crept up as I swallowed it down. I’d made it an entire month without wanting to take them all at once. The sadness was still there, but the detachment from this world was missing.

Now, I crave each day.

I need to kiss Kit or hold the babies or talk to my parents.

All the ties tethering me here that I’d worked so hard to clip are now back in place, thick and tied tight.

Dr. York has been helpful in reminding me of my reasons to stay. After the night I’d admitted to Kit I’d wanted to take my life, we had a long talk with my parents the next day. Leesa came along too, offering her guidance and support. Though a lot of tears were shed, we came together as a team on how to help me.

Therapy with Dr. York.

Additional meds.

Talking out my feelings.

The small changes in my life have had a big impact. I have Kit to thank for that. The boy with his bouncy, curly hair, his pink, pink strawberry lips I love to kiss, and his green apple Jolly Rancher eyes. He strolled into my life, dug his hooks into me, and never let go.

I owe him my life.

I owe him everything.

My small birthday party is one filled with love and laughter. Once my parents get the twins down and retreat for the night, I bring Kit to my room. He sits on Julian’s bed and watches me as I undress.