Best of 2017

I can’t be with him. It wouldn’t be fair. I’m not the woman I should be yet, and he deserves that woman. I deserve to be that woman as well. I need to come to him complete, not broken parts of myself.

I need to be strong. I need to prove to him that I can stand on my own two feet. That this isn’t transference. That I’m not in love with him because of some void I’m filling.

Although my heart hurts to walk away, I know I have to. Not only for my growth, but also for his.

He might not think he has counter transference, but a small part of him still thinks he does.

We both need to find ourselves.

When the time comes after I have grown, and if the feelings are still there, we can see what happens, but right now my priority is me, and he needs to make peace with his own tragedy.

With a trembling hand, I start to write. And when I’m done, my shaking fingers take the letter and tuck it into my journal. I wonder if this is where our story ends. Will this be my only gift to him?

My journal.

All of what’s in my heart.

Turning around, I walk away. I can’t look back. I know if I do, I’ll never go.

CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN

PRESTON

ROLLING ACROSS THE BED, I reach out for Eve. To hold her body tight to me, to feel her warm body beneath me. As my hand searches her out, I come up with nothing and the spot is cold. My eyes fly open but I’m met with emptiness.

Where is she? I start to get up from the bed to find her when everything inside me stills. There, siting next to my side of the bed is a journal. But it’s not my journal. It doesn’t belong to me. It belongs to her. I move swiftly to grab it. To understand why she left it here. And as I open it a piece of paper falls to the bed.

Dear Preston,

I have written and rewritten this letter, and the truth is I will never truly be able to tell you how hard it is for me to write it.

In the last few months you have helped me learn so much about myself and have inspired me to find my happiness. You are my happiness, but to have you right now would be selfish and unfair to you. I love you. But what I have learned is that sometimes love isn’t enough. Sometimes it’s not nearly enough.

Thank you for believing in me before I knew how to believe in myself.

Please don’t forget me. One day I hope to be in your arms again, a healed woman. A complete woman. I won’t forget you, either. For as long as I live, I will love you.

But now, I’m setting you free.

Eve

SHE LEFT ME. She fucking left me. My heart pounds in my chest from the emotions raging inside me. Set me free? I’m not free. I’ll never be free, not when she owns my heart. Not when these words she’s written have ripped me into a million pieces. It feels as if there’s a wind whipping through my heart, pulling it apart and shredding it to pieces. The feelings drag me under until I fear I might never survive this storm.

I lie back in my bed. Hours must pass as I let it all sink in. As I realize it wasn’t enough. I might have tried to give it all up for her, but it wasn’t enough. I was too late. I’m not able to comprehend what to do now. How do I move on from this? How do I let her go? Do I fight for her? Despite what she says, should I fight? But then my rational side kicks in. She’s right. I know she’s right. I have to let her leave. She needs space to figure out who she is and to believe in herself. She needs to focus on rebuilding her relationship with her mom and forgiving her dad. Doesn’t mean it won’t break me apart every day for the time that separates us. I know it will. But I’m willing to risk it, because there is no question that I love her. Why do we fall in love with people we can’t have? Maybe I can’t have her today, but I have to have faith that maybe one day we’ll have a future. We are two pieces of a puzzle and eventually we will be put back together.

CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT

EVE

I WOULD BE LYING if I didn’t admit to myself why I was walking past Thirty-Fifth Street. Sometimes I find myself walking past his street when I want to feel close to him, when I want to remember the lessons I learned when seeing him. Today, I need his strength. Today marks three months since I’ve seen him and I need to find the strength to get out of my funk and make a change. Every day since I got the referrals from Preston, I have stared at the names, but I haven’t found the strength to call them. I know I have to, but I put it off. Sydney thinks I’m holding off for some crazy notion that Preston will charge in and demand I change my mind. I know he won’t. He can’t. Deep down, he knows this is right.

Today I walk down Park, and as usual I peer down the street. That’s when I see him. He’s across the street. Preston. The man I can’t get out of my head, and worse, the one I can’t get out of my heart. I squint my eyes to get a better look. He’s perched on the stoop. His head is bowed and fine lines paint his forehead.

When he finally lifts his head, the look in his eyes haunts me. They speak of a deep-rooted pain that I could never imagine. I put that pain there, and I would do anything in my power to take it away, but it wouldn’t be fair to go to him now. Not when I’m still so screwed up and when we still can’t be together. No. Today isn’t the right time. But hopefully it soon will be, and I know what I have to do.

Lifting my hand, my fingers find the necklace he gave me and I stroke it gently. It’s time I stop hiding. It’s time I face my nightmares and learn to forgive. Today is the day I make the change.

I turn on my heel before he catches me looking and walk in the other direction, leaving a part of me on that corner with him, but vowing to find all the other pieces and put myself back together.

I scan the intersection from right to left. There are a few choices I can make. Home to pretend my life isn’t happening and continue to hide in my bed, or send Sydney a text and finally start living again. Seeing Preston makes my heart hurt, but I also know he wouldn’t want me to be sad. So I pick up my phone and send a message to Sydney.

Me: Bar?

Sydney: Hell yes.

Me: Ten minutes?

Sydney: DONE!

The Corner Bar is packed as usual. From across the room, I see Sydney waving at me. My mouth spreads into a large smile. For the first time in a long time, I feel as if I might be okay.

“What up, chica!” Sydney throws her arms around my neck and starts bouncing up and down “I’ve missed you.”

“Syd, you do know we live together right? You see me every day. How can you miss me?”

“Eve.” Her eyes narrow. “You have been in a funk for weeks. I wouldn’t call that living anywhere.”

“You’re right. But I’m back now.”

“Well, you know what that means?”

“Tequila shots?” I flash her a megawatt smile and she starts to laugh.

“A girl after my own heart.” Sydney turns to Austin. “Two shots of Patron, extra chilled,” she exclaims.

He comes back and places the two chilled shots in front of us.

“Celebrating something?” he winks.

“No,” I say as Sydney says yes. I turn my attention back and quirk an eyebrow.

“We are?”

“Yep.”

“And what, pray tell, are we celebrating?”

“You, of course,” she replies.

“I don’t understand.”

“It’s good to have you back.” She smiles and I grab the shot and take a swig.

“It’s good to be back.” I nod. It is. And tomorrow, first thing, I’ll call the names on the list.

“What are you smiling about?” Sydney asks.

“Nothing. Just happy, I guess.” And for the first time in a long time, I do feel happy. I feel hope. Because I know what I need to do and I’m going to do it. I’m going to stop running from my past. I’ll confront my fears and figure out me, and that is worth celebrating.

ONCE AGAIN I stand at the precipice of change, but this time instead of walking into Preston’s office, I find myself in a small room, waiting to see my new therapist. He

r name is Dr. Beckett, and from the look of things, she will be nothing like Dr. Montgomery. Where he was upscale, this space is homey. Comfy couches line the walls of what seems to be an old parlor of a brownstone in the west village. It’s quaint and feels like home.

With everything I’ve been through, I welcome it. Dr. Beckett wasn’t on the list Preston gave me. I needed a clean break. So I asked around the office, only this time I didn’t hide that I’m having a hard time coping with Richard’s death and some other things in my life. Surprisingly, everyone was supportive. And now that they knew my mom had no interest in taking control, they reach out more and more. It isn’t only Sydney and myself for lunch anymore. Now Natalie comes along, and Barry too. After apologizing for harassing me, he really isn’t that bad.

Today begins the next step in my journey. I’m not sure how this new story will end, but I hope eventually it leads me back to Preston. All I can do is take a deep breath and vow to conquer my fears and learn to forgive.

The door creaks open and out walks a taller middle-aged woman.

“Hello, Eve. I’m Dr. Beckett.”

“Hi,” I say as I stand and extend my hand.

“Are you ready?” She smiles and I nod.

I am. I finally am.