Picking up the bag from the floor, I start putting back the things he packed. “I need more. You h
ave to make me understand if you want me to go with you. I’m sure you can pull your Carter caveman act and get me out of this house, but if you want me to come with you without a fight you have to give me more.”
I feel him behind me. He brushes my hair off one shoulder and kisses me softly there.
“I know I can be a dick sometimes. It’s how I grew up. I didn’t get much softness from the world until you. But I’ll take you kicking and screaming, Cherry, because your safety will always come first to me, even if it makes you hate me. That’s something I’ve been dealing with for years. I couldn’t tell you things at first because there were always ears on me and, well, now I’m scared once I lay it all out for you, you’ll truly hate me and run. That’s not something I’m sure I can take.”
I turn and look up into his eyes.
“Please,” I beg in a soft whisper.
“You and those fucking pleases,” he says, pressing his forehead against mine. “All right, I’ll tell you.” Carter picks me up, I wrap my legs around him, and he sits in the corner chair in my bedroom. “I’m going to lay it all out for you and then you can ask your questions if you have any.”
“Mmkay,” I mumble, and place a soft kiss on his lips for encouragement. I’ve never seen Carter so off balance like this before. It makes me want to pull him closer.
“I’ve been running the streets since I was a teenager. My home life wasn’t great, but it was a place to go at night and not have to watch my back like a lot of the kids in the neighborhood had to. That all changed one night when I came home and found my parents dead. My father was tied to a chair and shot in the head. My mother was lying in a pool of her own blood. It looked like they were using her to make my father talk. What they wanted from him I don’t know.”
I lean forward and nuzzle my face into the side of his neck planting soft little kisses there. I can’t imagine Carter as a young boy finding his parents like that.
“I ended up in the system and it didn’t work for me. I had a lot of rage and fought a lot. I would get sent to one home then another. I finally got so sick of it I just took off and went back to my old neighborhood. Cops could never figure out who killed my parents, but now knowing what I know I think they were paid not to ask questions. “
“Oh, Carter,” I gasp against his neck.
“I found focusing on revenge for my parents helped calm my anger, so that’s what I did. I made friends, did some shady shit, and slowly built myself a crew. But I did something not a lot of people do. I didn’t let people know I was in charge. Saint and I made ourselves out like we worked with a crew, just part of the team. No one ever met the boss so no one knew I was the boss. Everyone just thought Saint and I reported to someone higher up. I don’t have a need for power like most of these bosses do. Fuck that shit. I just want control and I’ll do whatever I need to get that control. Even if that means pretending to be a nobody. I don’t need people kissing my ass. I just need them to get done what needs to be done.
“Then I put feelers out. When you work on the streets, you start to pick up people’s MOs and it didn’t take me long to see the similarities between my parents’ murders and how O’Leary likes to take people down. He has this thing for going after men through women. This isn’t normal. Most crews leave the women alone. It’s like an unspoken rule.”
I close my eyes and squeeze them tight. How could this man want to be with me? My father killed his family. I can feel warm tears slip past my eyelids.
“Your father ran a pretty dirty crew and didn’t like to play by any rules. I knew if I wanted to get close to him, I had to catch his attention, be something he wanted. Fighting gets you noticed on the streets, so that’s what I started doing. I’d get into any underground fight I could find. It’s not hard to become the best and the most vicious when you don’t think you have much to live for. I also had my crew start spreading rumors that I could be bought. It didn’t take long to get noticed and your father hired me. He thought I came from another crew and he snatched me up. I didn’t plan on being there long. In and out. I wanted to destroy his world. Make his little empire fall…but then, there was you.”
Sitting up, I look into his eyes. His whole tone changed when the story came back to me.
“Me?” I ask.
“Yes, you. I wasn’t prepared. Your father did a wonderful job hiding you. I didn’t even know you were there. I’m not sure how he did it because I can’t imagine anyone not noticing you,” he says softly as he strokes my cheek.
“He never let me go anywhere. He said people would use me against him. I never understood why he had me. I was just kept caged away.”
“Baby, I never planned to use you against him. Hell, I didn’t even know you were there. When I walked in that room and saw you, I knew I was fucked. I wasn’t prepared. I did this to you.”
“Did what to me, Carter? I don’t get what you mean. The only thing you ever did to me was push me away.”
“Apparently I didn’t do a very good job of it.”
“What does that mean? You don’t want me?” I hate how my words come out in a whine.
“No. That’s not it. I just meant everyone could see I wanted you and I think your father saw it most of all. He tried to test me and I failed. He would throw random women at me that I would push away. You controlled my every thought. It was fucked up and I knew it. You were too young but I couldn’t help myself. And, Cherry, you sure in the fuck didn’t try to help. It seemed like at every turn, you were all but tumbling into my lap.”
I knew what he was saying was true. I did anything and everything to get his attention and hold it. I’m just as much to blame for that.
“But when I looked at you I saw so much light and innocence – something I’d never seen before. I wanted it. I wanted you so damn bad, and my plans started to slip through my fingers. Vengeance wasn’t sounding so sweet anymore. I didn’t have a cover in place to stay in your father’s crew long and I knew it was only a matter of time before he found out who I was. I tried to cover my tracks the best I could, but some people just can’t be bought. I felt it coming and I knew I had to get out of there and take you with me. I didn’t care anymore about taking him down. I just wanted you out of there, because we all know what your father uses against men to control them.”
“The women they love,” I whisper.
“Bingo. I knew I could have you. You wanted me, I could see it in your eyes. I also knew you were too young, but I thought fuck it. We’ll run. I’ve got the money for the shit I’ve been doing on the streets for the past ten years. I’d get us out of the country, let you grow up a little, and then we could be together.”
“What went wrong?” I ask. That night is still so patchy for me and I’m ready for him to fill in the hole.
“He caught me. I always had eyes on you, Cherry. I’ve had them on you for the past eight years, even when I wasn’t there. I told you we had to run. I had someone slip you a note. Then I got word that they knew. By the time I got there…” Carter closes his eyes like he’s in pain, as if he’s seeing it all over again.
“I found you like I found my mom but you were still breathing. Thank God. Like I told you I called the cops, I didn’t care if I went to jail for the murder I committed while getting to you, whatever got you to the hospital faster. I got word to Saint, the one person I knew who would have my back and told him I would be going in, that I needed him on you. But when you came to and didn’t remember, your father acted like nothing happened. He brought you back home, and you had no idea, no memory of the danger you escaped. I let it be because I knew he was just waiting for me to get out so he could use you against me. I knew that, until then, you were safe. Your father doesn’t fear much but he’s scared of me – so scared that he was willing to use you against me. Then you came to the prison that day. I was trying to make it seem like I had no interest in you. Even tried to play if off like I blamed you so that maybe your father wouldn’t hurt you in an attempt to get at me. I know it was a reach but I was
desperate.”
I wrap my arms around Carter tighter. It breaks my heart to think of all he went through – that he was willing to drop all he had worked for to be with me, the daughter of the man who took his family from him. “I love you,” I say, letting him know I understand now.
Standing up, he places me on my feet. “You don’t get it, do you?” he asks, looking at me like I’ve lost my mind.
“Get what, Carter?”
“I fucked up your life because I’m a selfish bastard. My plans of ruining your father’s life fell back on you. You should hate me. You should be screaming at me to get out and get away from you. I thought if I could hide parts of the story from you, that I could keep you. Fuck, I’m already a bastard so why not? That’s what I thought to myself. I was so fucking happy when you told me you were carrying my baby. I knew you were tied to me then. No way could you shake me free now. I could justify it more to myself. I was able to rationalize why I could keep you.”
“It’s not like that,” I say, but he isn’t hearing me.
“How goddamn crazy is it that in my plans of destroying your father, I actually got a family. What kind of fucked up shit is that?”
I grab his face with both hands and make him look at me.
“You listen to me, Carter. I had no life before. My life was so bland, with nothing in it. You walked into my world and were the first person to show me emotion. I lived for you. This is not your doing. It’s my father’s. You may have started our tumble down this hill, but I’m glad I’m here with you. With or without you showing up at my father’s house, I would have run one way or another. The only difference now is I wanted to run with you. It’s why I came to the prison. I was there to tell you I was leaving and I would be waiting for you. But the way you acted, I was scared you were still with my father, and I was leaving that life behind.”
Carter just stares at me and I have no idea what he is thinking.
“I still want to leave that life. Can you do that for me? Can we do what needs to be done and move on…together?”