For as long as I could remember, I had always been nervous. I was nervous about work, nervous about relationships with friends, and nervous in communicating with men. At the age of 24 I was finally in a position to say that I had made it. I had been offered a job as a librarian and I was finally surrounded by what I loved; books. It was my first week at the job and the stress hadn’t gone away. I was scared of making some silly mistake that would shun me from my dream career. This forced me to take cautious decisions, which carried on into my daily life. I hadn’t been eating properly from all of the stress, so my roommate Keisha had kicked me out of the apartment to grab some groceries for us to cook a healthy wholesome meal that night.
As I wandered down the dairy isle, my worries came back to me as I recalled the interactions I had had with my coworkers at the library today. I knew that I was overthinking the situation, but I couldn’t justify that to myself. I felt extremely self-conscious of the way I had tried to make small talk with them. I wondered how they viewed me and whether they would ever consider me to be one of their peers. Mindlessly wandering down the isle, I stopped to pick up a 2L carton of 2% milk. As I reached for it, my hand slipped and the milk carton crashed to the floor. The creamy mess was all over the floor as I stood there looking dumbfounded at what I had done. I grabbed some napkins from my purse and bent down to try to clean the mess I had created in the grocery store.
Out of nowhere, 2 feet dressed in expensive dress shoes stopped in front of me. My eyes climbed his sculpted and well-dressed body to meet his glistening blue eyes.
“Looks like you could use a hand there,” he said as he crouched down to help me.
He gently reached for some of the napkins I had in my hand; as an immediate and protective response, I clenched the pile of napkins and pulled my hand in close to my chest. My shirt was hanging low, revealing my cleavage and I caught sight of his stare lower towards my breasts. I sat up and handed him some of the napkins. I took a moment to analyze the man that was kneeling in front of me. He was tall, had chestnut brown hair, a chiselled jaw line and ivory skin. From what I could tell from the angle, I’m sure his jaw line wasn’t the only thing that was chiselled, but it was hard to tell what details would be revealed if he were to take off his suit..
“Yeah! I would love some help! I’m such a klutz… I responded with pursed lips.
I proceeded to lean over revealing the cleavage of my breasts again and handed him some of the napkins. He must have noticed my intentions because he gave me a devilish smirk accompanied by a raised eyebrow. I blushed at the attention he was giving me. It wasn’t often that strangers stopped to offer help, let alone hit on me.
Although this man wasn’t the normal type of guy I would be interested in, something deep inside drew me to him. I could feel every part of my body pulling myself towards his with a feeling of intrigue. I had never been this attracted to someone so quickly. To avoid complications, I usually went for men that were in my league, at least in regards to race and class. Keisha had always disapproved of the men I went for and told me that I could do better; in other words, she told me I was used to settling for men that didn’t deserve me. Whether I deserved better or not, I had never had amazing self-confidence. I grew up in an area of Los Angeles that was dominated by a Caucasian culture. I was constantly teased by the popular girls in my high school about my curly hair and curvaceous body and had not made any long lasting friendships, until I had met Keisha in senior year when she moved to our neighbourhood. We had hit it off instantly and as soon as we graduated, we moved in together and were lucky enough to be accepted into the same university. Meeting her was a lifesaver and I knew that she only had my best interests in mind. Keisha had pleaded with me numerous times to break up with my previous possessive boyfriend Greg, but I was too comfortable in the relationship to do anything about it. We got along great, but in a friendly type of way. I never had any lust or romantic feelings for him but he was someone that I could tell anything to. We could sit on the couch all day and have a movie marathon or sit there and play through his new favourite video games. Greg had never let me go and had continuously tried to get me back after I dumped him the previous summer. Obviously, the relationship we had shared meant more to him than it had to me.
I looked up at the man in front of me helping me clean up the mess I had created and thought about what Keisha would tell me to do. I could hear her in my mind saying, “Do it girl! You got this!”
The man looked up and caught my gaze once more.
“You know, I haven’t seen you here before, are you new to town?“ He said.
“Oh, no no… if you want to know the truth.. I’m a terrible chef. Most of my dinners consist of pizza delivery, if I get lucky my roommate will cook for me sometimes.”
“I don’t want to sound rash and pushy, but you are one of the most gorgeous girls I have ever seen! I mean Wow! Would you like to grab a coffee with me sometime?” He asked.
“Uhmmm…. What?! Sorry! I mean…. I wasn’t expecting that! I don’t even know your name. At this point in time, I only know you as the mysterious man in the grocery store that helped me clean up my embarrassing mess!” I responded.
“Don’t worry about it, it’s a pleasure. It’s very rare that I get to help a damsel in distress. My name is James by the way. And you are….?”
“My name is Jasmine. Honestly though, I’m very flattered in your interest but this isn’t the best time for me. I just started a new job at the City library and I have a little too much on my plate right now.”
I watched James’ face go from a sultry smirk to a disappointed frown. I would hav
e loved to say yes to him but I already had too much on my plate with work. My mom always told me to look out for my best interests and I knew that going on a date with James would only make my life more stressful.
“I understand. It was a pleasure to meet you anyways Jasmine and I hope to see you again.” Replied James as he slyly looked down avoiding eye contact.
He stood up, winked at me and turned his back to me. As he walked away, my eyes diverted south and I couldn’t resist myself from checking out James’ amazing physique. His charcoal grey suit fit him perfectly across his broad shoulders and it streamlined down his muscular chest to his tight waist. His hands had retracted to his the pockets of his trousers, pulling the wool of the suit tight across his ass. I could almost make out the muscle definition and couldn’t stop myself from biting my lip at the sight of him walking away.
I couldn’t wait to get home to tell Keisha all about my meeting with James so I finished my grocery shopping in a hurry. As the cashier scanned the items through the register, I reached for my wallet but the girl standing at the register grabbed my hand.
“Oh, don’t worry! These groceries have already been paid for,” she said.
I knew exactly what had happened and frankly I was a little annoyed that James would have bought my groceries without even telling me. Let alone, without even leaving his phone number in case I changed my mind! What a mysterious man I thought to myself. Hell…. If I had hurried up with my shopping rather than stopping to ponder whether to buy brand name or no name mayonnaise I would have saved myself the grief AND I would have caught him on his way out! I knew I had already changed my mind. Who cares what my mother would say. Maybe he could make this new stressful job better for me somehow…. He could definitely relieve some of this built up tension I had been building since I had started my new career. I did need some down time for myself and he seemed like a good guy to spend it with.
“Thank you very much!” I said enthusiastically as I grabbed the receipt out of the cashier’s hands.
*****
My apartment was about eight blocks away from the grocery store but I couldn’t wait to talk to Keisha about James and I practically ran. I made the trip in half the time it usually took me. I practically ran to the front door. I hurriedly jumbled my keys in the front door and dropped my bags on the floor as soon as I walked in the front door. Keisha was sitting on the couch looking at me dumbfounded.
“Woah sister. What the hell happened to you?!” Keisha excitedly asked.
“Keisha…. I just met the most gorgeous white man! Holy shit! I was at the grocery store when I dropped a bottle of milk… long story short; he helped me clean up my mess and proceeded to tell me that I was one of the most beautiful women he had ever laid his eyes upon, I turned him down because I was scared that it would just add more unnecessary stress to my life. He ended up getting to the cash register without me seeing and paid for all of my groceries. I didn’t catch him on my way out and I really really wish I did! Oh my god… Keisha what the fuck was I thinking?!! That could have been the Mr. Right you’ve been telling me I deserve!” I practically screamed at her in excitement.
“Whoa Jasmine, calm the fuck down girl! It sounds like you met a really hot guy, but hey lady… they’re everywhere! For gods sake you must have ran past ten in your flurried state as you came running a hot sweaty mess towards me! Don’t you worry about it; another one will catch your attention real soon. Don’t fucking worry about it. Sounds like this guy was a little obsessed with you too, maybe he will even find a way to track you down again.”
I sat down next to Keisha on the couch as I tried to catch my breath. Not only was I beat from running home, I felt like I was out of breath from my interaction with James. It felt like I had been hit with cupid’s arrow and my heart was having a mini spasm inside of my chest. I leaned back on the couch, clutched my heart with my newly manicured hand and sat there smiling at Keisha. I didn’t have to say anything else to her, she knew exactly what was going through my mind and she knew that this wasn’t typical of me to be so infatuated with a man, let alone a Caucasian man.
I sat there with a straightened spine with my hands neatly folded on my lap. An unusual uncomfortable position for me, but I was feeling as uncomfortable as I looked. Almost worried in a way. Had I just turned away something that could have been magical? When I was younger, I grew up on cheesy Disney films with happy endings. I always dreamed that one day I would meet my prince, run away from reality and live happily ever after with no worries in the world. Even when I was younger, reality had hit though. All of the princesses and princes were of Caucasian decent. The only princess of any other colour was Jasmine from Aladdin. And, of course this was the princess I best identified with. Although she still wasn’t black, we shared the same name, and the same struggles of being the black sheep in society. Although Jasmine never met her Caucasian prince, she fell in love in the end and that’s all that mattered to me. I knew there was nothing wrong with me. I know that I deserved love. And I hoped that love was more than merely an allusion that people only spoke about in the honeymoon phase. I mean… I hadn’t even been lucky enough to reach the honeymoon phase yet. At the age of 24, I was growing impatient.
Next thing I knew, my phone was ringing. The annoying ringtone of Can’t tough this came onto the speaker. Keisha loved to screw with my phone… and sure enough she had applied this ringtone for good purpose. It was my ex-boyfriend Greg calling.
“Greg, I told you to stop calling me. What the hell do you want this time?” I coldly replied.
“Jasmine, I’m standing outside of your house. Please let me in! I have news and I can’t share it with anyone else. Please just talk to me. You’re still my best friend.”
“Fine. I’m coming.” I said with a deep sigh.
When I finally opened the door for Greg, he was standing in the driveway completely drenched. He looked like a miserable and helpless rat the way his long curls stuck to his face. He looked devastated as he gave me a look of yearning. I was used to this routine of his, he would show up my to house unexpected, sometimes in the middle of the night and beg me to give him another chance.
“Come on in Greg.” I said as I motioned towards the door.
He followed me inside and from the corner of my eye I could see Keisha glaring at him.
He came into the kitchen and sat down at the island counter. I gave him a glass of water and sat down across from him.
“So are you going to tell me whatsup?” I said trying to sound disinterested.
“It’s just that…. I don’t think I can go on any longer without you Jasmine. I tried to stay away but I just can’t. I can’t go another day without you in my life. I saw you today talking to a man,,,”
“Woah, woah, woah… slow down cowboy. What do you mean you saw me with a man today? What the fuck Greg?!!! Were you following me??”
“Well… not following… I mean I was worried about you. I know that you just started your new job and I wanted to check up on you to make sure you were doing okay. You seemed distracted. I was hoping that maybe you were just upset as I was about the way we ended things in between us.”
“Greg, I need to clear this up with you. We are never getting back together okay? You have to understand that. Our relationship was toxic. We were sleepwalking through life and you know it too. I need someone that can offer me passion, not comfort!” I practically shrieked at him and wondered if I had been too harsh with my tone of voice.
“Look, I’m really sorry Jasmine, I just wanted to make sure you’re okay. I won’t bother you anymore about our relationship but you have to understand that I’m always going to love you.. and I want to be here to look after you. The man that you were talking today in the grocery store, I don’t trust him at all. He isn’t good for you. I know that you turned him down, but please don’t date a man like that. It will kill me inside to know you’ve moved on to someone who’s only looking to take advantage of you.”
At that moment, I start
ed tearing up. I knew that James wasn’t looking to just take advantage of me but Greg made me second guess his motives.
“You know what Greg… just get the fuck out!!! You aren’t welcome here anymore!”
I grabbed his arm and tried to drag him out of the house. As soon as he had one foot out the door, I grabbed the door and pushed it against him to get him out of there as fast as I possibly could.
I didn’t need this in my life. I already had enough stress on my plate at the moment and I wasn’t going to have someone like Greg making me upset over bullshit.
“Are you okay Jasmine? I’m sorry that that happened. Greg is a prick.” said Keisha.
“I’m fine Keisha, I just want to be alone.”
With that I wandered to my bedroom, shut the door and sat down on my bed. I couldn’t keep myself from crying. I thought about James, and I had wished so badly that I had said yes to his proposal to go for coffee. I was too upset to eat and I hoped Keisha wasn’t angry that I had just left the groceries in the living room for her to put away. I put on my favourite movie Breakfast at Tiffany’s, and I drifted into a long interrupted sleep. I was completely exhausted and I was opening the library by myself in at 8 in the morning.