She sent him a small relieved smile, but she knew it wasn't the real thing. Her nerves were coiled tightly in her belly. "I'm trying to get used to feeling that I'm okay just the way I am."
"Baby, you're still not telling me what's really bothering you, and that's not going to make me happy."
She should have known he would be able to see that she was holding something back. He could read her like a book. She took a deep breath and then made her confession, knowing he wasn't going to be happy when she told him. Either way ... "I tried putting my full weight on my feet this morning when you were taking a shower."
His long fingers stopped stroking her feet. His black eyes met hers, and the impact sank her heart. He wasn't in the least bit happy with her and she detested that she'd let him down.
"I thought we agreed you were going to wait."
She nodded. "I know. I know I should have. Please don't get upset with me."
He was silent for a long moment and then he lifted her into his arms and carried her through the house to the front porch. He put her very gently in one of the rocking chairs and then crouched down to lift her feet up, placing each on his knee, his hands moving very gently over them, while he examined them again, this time inspecting each carefully, bending her toes, moving her foot at the ankle. She did her best not to wince when pain shot up her leg and down into her toes.
"I need you to listen, Zara. To really hear what I'm saying to you. Not just for now, but for the future. Our future. I need you to hear me and remember what I say." He looked up, waiting until her eyes met his.
The powerful collision sent shock waves through her. Those black eyes gleamed at her, dark and compelling. A hint of anger swirled there. She found she couldn't look away, her stomach dropping and tension coiling deep. The obsidian could be as cold as ice, or on fire, like now. "I'm listening, Gino."
"I don't get angry over too many things. I'm not built that way. You hurt yourself, I'm going to get fucking crazy. You didn't have to test your feet. Nonny and I both told you to wait. We both said they were damaged and the healing was going to be slow."
She ducked her head. He was so right. Both had cautioned her repeatedly, but she hated being helpless. It was very, very boring to lie in bed or sit in a chair while people waited on her. She was used to doing for the others when she was in Whitney's compound. She loved cooking and she wanted her chance in the kitchen with Nonny like the other women. To do that, she had to stand on her own feet. When she'd wiggled her toes in the morning and they hadn't hurt, she'd decided to try to put her weight on them.
He caught her chin and raised it, forcing her to look at him. "Didn't we both say that to you, because I distinctly remember it?"
There was a bite to his voice that sent a little frisson of fear through her body. He was disappointed in her, and she didn't like it. It hurt that she'd disappointed Gino. Somewhere deep where she lived and breathed she wanted him happy, especially with her.
"I'm sorry." She touched his face because she needed the connection. His fingers were long and strong, stroking over her feet so gently it turned her heart over. She stroked the shadow along his jaw with equal gentleness. "I really am, Gino. Sometimes I feel desperate to walk."
"I know it's hard waiting, Zara. I hate this for you, but hurting yourself isn't the answer, and every time you put weight on your feet, it's going to hurt them. That only makes the healing process take longer."
She nodded, swallowing the lump in her throat. She needed the anger and disappointment gone from his eyes. There was no defense. Nonny had even sat with her one evening and explained that the damage to her tendons was severe and she might not ever be able to run or walk without some pain. The poultices were helping the healing process, but it was essential to give her feet the time to heal.
"Most of the time, caning the feet hurts like hell, but there's no permanent damage. Zhu knew what he was doing and he deliberately concentrated the strokes to do the most damage. He not only wanted to break you, he wanted to make certain that he slowed you down so you couldn't run from him."
The strikes to her feet had seemed to go on forever. She remembered screaming. She'd tried to stop, but there was no way when the pain was excruciating. He hit the arches of her feet repeatedly, so many times she lost count. Then he hit the heels and balls of her feet and then the sides. He'd done the same to the tops of her feet until they were mangled and bleeding. She'd begged him to stop, promised him anything to get him to stop. His expression had never changed, he just kept hitting her.
Gino brushed tears from her face. "Baby, don't cry. I'm not trying to be harsh with you, I just don't want you to hurt yourself or do any more permanent damage."
"Sometimes," she whispered, looking around her, trying to center herself back in Louisiana, in the States, "I feel it happening all over again. I can hear the whistle of the cane or the whip right before it strikes."
He cupped the back of her head in his palm and pulled her head against his shoulder, stroking his hand down the length of her hair. "You're safe now. He can't reach you."
She knew better, but she wasn't going to argue with him. "I'm all right, and I promise, I won't be silly and try standing again, not without you giving me the go-ahead."
He kissed the top of her foot and gently placed it on the pillow he'd brought outside with them. "What happened when you tried to put weight on your feet?"
"It was painful, but not like it was before. Not excruciating." She was silent, biting her lip when he continued to look at her. God, he was annoying at times. She couldn't help but confess, just blurt out the truth when he looked at her like that. He would never have to resort to torture. "It still is kind of bad."
"Were you going to tell me the level of pain?"
Her stomach did a slow roll. "Probably not." She wouldn't have told him she was in pain for any reason if he wasn't looking at her like that.
"Don't do that again. Don't keep important shit from me, you understand? You hurt, I want to know about it, even if it's stubbing your toe or jamming a finger."
He meant it. She could see it in his eyes and hear it in his voice. He wanted to know if she was hurt. She wasn't supposed to suck it up and keep quiet, she was supposed to tell him. "We weren't trained that way, Gino, especially me. I wasn't allowed to whine, not for any reason. Once, I broke my arm and Whitney was angry with me for going to the infirmary. I was supposed to keep quiet and try to endure the pain for at least a day or two, not be such a wimp that I left the others during training."
She pushed back her hair and looked at him, feeling shame all over again. "I didn't leave the others until the training was over. I helped them as best I could. When we were returned to the barracks, then I went. Honestly, Gino, I didn't desert my team."
"Zara, Whitney needs someone to put a bullet in his head and put him out of his misery. Seriously. A woman breaks her arm, she needs a doctor. Waiting can cause more damage. The man is an ass. You didn't do anything wrong and you're not a coward. He tried to make you feel like one, but any man or woman who took the kind of beating you did without breaking is no coward."
"I feel broken," she confessed. "I don't know why his opinion mattered so much to me."
He went up on his knees, cupped her face in his palms and kissed her. He brushed his mouth gently over hers, and then deepened the kiss. This one wasn't a wildfire like many of the others. This one was tender. Warm. Compassionate. This one said things that got to her. When he lifted his head, his gaze held hers.
"His opinion mattered to you because he was your only parent. Your father figure. You're not broken, Zara. You didn't break. You're a little damaged, but that's all. We're fixing the damage, and once we do, you're going to be so strong. The things he said will be a distant memory. You're smart, baby. You're so damn smart you were a threat to him. Whitney wants everyone to believe he's the most intelligent person in the room. He despises women and thinks they're inferior. You were a huge threat to him so he had to make you feel like you
were nothing. That was his goal and his way to make you do what he said."
She leaned down to brush her lips over his. "You make me feel whole. I know I'm supposed to feel that way all on my own, but right now, when I'm with you, I feel safe and complete. Thank you for that."
"Believe it or not, Zara, you make me feel the same way. I looked for you, for the right woman to share my life with, and until I saw you, I didn't think there was anyone out there who could live with me. You think you're damaged? I know you're a little broken from the things Zhu did to you, but I know damaged. That's me, princess, not you. There was a gaping hole in me, maybe where my heart and soul are supposed to be, and that's gone too. You do that for me. We're meant to be. It's as simple as that."
She wanted it to be that simple. If she could just figure out what to do with the information stored in the SSD in her brain and get rid of it, she'd be very happy.
"I'm adding to the plans for the house. We have a lot of acreage, Zara. I want to know what you're going to need for your research center. Money isn't an object, so put down everything you can think of on your list as you make it. This evening we can go over floor plans, so I have an idea what to have drawn up."
"Research center?" she echoed.
He nodded. "Of course. You're going to want to continue where you left off with your work, right? You don't have to go anywhere if you don't want to. We can bring in whoever you need to assist you, and when you have to travel to the university, I'll go with you."
She got that he didn't ask her if she wanted him to go with her. She got that because she knew another woman might have pointed it out, but she was grateful he didn't force her to admit she didn't want to travel alone.
"I can't believe you'd have a research center built for me here."
"Your home is here. Someday we'll have children. I doubt that's going to stop you from wanting to continue your work."
It wouldn't. She loved what she did. She loved sharing it and talking with others interested as well. She wouldn't be alone. That was what she heard and what she clung to. "Do you really mean it, Gino? You'll go with me?"
He nodded slowly, his features very serious and her heart sank again, afraid he would take it back. "I won't like you traveling without me, Zara, or at least without a couple of the others if I'm away. It's important to me that you discuss all your traveling dates with me ahead of time so we can work that out."
He wasn't asking again. She got that. She found herself smiling. "That's sound good, Gino, I can do that."
"And we have to get on figuring out how to get the information from the SSD into someone's hands so Whitney has no reason to try for you again."
"I'll talk to Bellisia today. I'm hoping to spend time with her and fix the problems we have. Mostly, I think, I really didn't understand relationships between a man and a woman. I would have a difficult time keeping something from you."
"I wouldn't like it, princess. Zeke might get upset and talk to Bellisia about keeping secrets, but you would have serious consequences for keeping anything from me. When someone wants to talk to you about something important, when they give you that kind of responsibility, you make damn sure they know they're talking to both of us before you take it. Understand?"
She was back on "serious consequences." "What kind of consequences?"
"Babe, really? Do you think I'm capable of hitting you? Hurting you in any way? You're what I've looked for my entire life. I'm not dumb enough to fuck that up by being an asshole."
She couldn't imagine him hitting her. She liked that he understood she did take responsibility for the things others told her and that he wanted to share that burden with her. She knew other women wouldn't want Gino taking that off her, but she was coming to understand, she wasn't "other" women, and her needs came first with him. He didn't want her to be embarrassed because she didn't like making those decisions. She could if she needed to, but when it was unnecessary, she didn't have to. There was freedom in knowing that.
"I like that you're building ..."
"We're building," Gino corrected decisively. "The two of us, Zara. I want you to go over the plans for the house as well as the research center. It will be your house too, so you need to have it exactly the way you want," he reiterated.
"Our house then. I like that Cayenne and Trap are going to be our closest neighbors. I like Cayenne." She identified with her in some ways. She wouldn't mind being neighbors with her. Cayenne wasn't the type to hang out at the back fence and talk and she wouldn't expect Zara to either.
Gino shot her a glance as he leaned one hip against the porch column. "Cayenne isn't to everyone's taste. Most people are intimidated by her. She's good for Trap and she's damn good to him."
"I've seen the way she is with him."
It was impossible to miss. Trap came in the day after Gino had removed the virus capsules and he, Wyatt and Gino got lost in examining the virus under microscopes and a dozen other instruments they had in Wyatt's lab. Cayenne had come in with them, stayed to the back of the room to watch in silence, but every time Trap needed something, a pen, paper, a drink, whatever, she had it there before he asked. All he did was drop his gaze, look around him and she was handing it to him.
Zara couldn't help watching her, seeing the look on her face when she gave Trap whatever he needed. Once, she was certain, Trap needed Cayenne. He turned abruptly without a word to anyone in the room, walked out, his arm circling Cayenne's waist as he went by her, lifting her and taking her with him. When they returned, he was less restless and more centered, and she was glowing.
"She gives Trap whatever he needs and she does it without asking for anything in return. He gives her everything because she is everything to him," Gino said.
His black eyes burned into her, right through her skin to brand his name on her bones. She knew there would never be a time that the moment she saw him, her heart wouldn't beat faster and her sex wouldn't clench and go liquid with need for him. He would never have to worry about other men because she wasn't capable of seeing anyone else. Her world was completely centered around him and always would be, just as Trap was Cayenne's center. She didn't mind being like that woman at all.
"You going to give me everything like that, baby? Whenever I ask? Whatever I ask for? Is that the kind of relationship you want?"
His voice was low. Forceful, even though so quiet. Totally compelling, just like the man. If she could have walked, she would have flung herself into his arms. She detested not being able to go to him.
"Yes." She made the commitment because that was who she was. She would give everything to him because she wanted that for him--and for herself. There was something in her that drove her to please Gino, to make his life as wonderful as she could. It didn't matter that she'd get that same thing back, and she knew she would, it was just that she needed to be needed.
She'd never considered her need to please was the underlying reason she'd misled her sisters. She believed they needed to hear the stories of the outside world in order to have optimism that one day they'd get there. She felt it was her greatest contribution to the other women, bringing them hope each time she got back from her travels. Their smiles were always radiant, and instantly, no matter how she'd felt while she was gone, she would light up inside. Glow. Because they needed something she could give. Gino really needed someone to care for him. He needed a home and family of his own. She could give him the best one possible, the kind of home he needed, because she was that one woman for him.
"Gino, I'm giving you anything and everything you could possibly want. If I don't know how to do it, just teach me." She couldn't keep the shyness from her voice, but it didn't matter. He accepted her just the way she was and she loved that. He'd already taught her so many things in the bedroom. She'd enjoyed doing every single one and wanted more. The promise in his dark eyes excited her.
"Nonny tells me you like cooking."
She nodded. "That's part of why it's so frustrating sitting all the time. You've taken me
into the kitchen when Nonny's giving a cooking class to the others, but I can't really participate like they do. I swear, sometimes my feet itch to jump up." At his look, she hastily held up her hand and laughed. "I didn't. And I won't. Nonny would smack me with her wooden spoon if I did that and you wouldn't be happy with me, so no jumping up, even though I can't always see how she's judging the exact amount of the spices to put in."
"You'll be able to stand soon enough, and I suspect at some point you're going to get tired of making all the dinners for us because I'm a lousy cook. When that happens, you tell me. Anytime, Zara, no matter how tired you think I am. I don't want you to suck it up."
She couldn't imagine ever getting tired of cooking for him and her family, but she supposed, day in and day out, it might happen. "Okay." She bit her lip, wanting to make her confession in a little rush, but not quite able to get it out. It was one thing for him to say to tell him everything she liked or didn't like, but another to do it. She wasn't used to it, as in, she'd never done it.