Buy Me, Sir

“I didn’t tap out,” she says. “I wasn’t lying. I’d never tap out.”

I’m the biggest cunt in the fucking world. A bigger cunt than that asshole Claude or any one of my fucking clients. A bigger cunt than my filthy fucking father.

I press my lips to her forehead and she sighs. Her body melts to mine as though she still cares, and it breaks me all over again.

I wish it was me without breath.

I wish it was me who’d choked in her arms.

“Jesus, Amy, I thought you were gone,” I whisper, and my voice is lost in her hair.

Her hand buries in mine. Her fingers are so gentle.

“It’s Lissa,” she says. “Everyone calls me Lissa.”

“Lissa,” I breathe, and I feel her smile.

“You’ve no idea how much I’ve wanted to hear you say it,” she says, and I must be a fucking fool all over again, because I believe her.

God fucking help me, I believe her.MelissaI thought staring into Alexander Henley’s eyes as I slipped away was the most blissful thing in the world.

But I was wrong.

Staring into Alexander Henley’s eyes as I come back is the most blissful thing in the world.

My chest feels dry and achy. Every breath makes me cough.

Even so, it still pains when he pulls away. I’m reaching out for him as he heads for the mini bar.

I pull him close as he comes back with a glass of water.

“I’m sorry,” he says again.

I shake my head. “I’m the one who came here to say sorry.”

The cold water feels so nice as I swallow. I drink it down in long sips and he takes the empty glass from me.

The bed is so comfortable here, nearly as comfy as his. I curl into a ball and he lays at my side.

I want to stay here forever.

I’d give anything to make this ok.

“Can you speak?” he asks and I nod.

“It’s not so bad now.” I take a breath to illustrate and it’s not nearly so raspy as it was before.

“Tell me everything,” he says. “I’m listening.”

“You don’t have to,” I tell him. “I fucked up so bad.”

“Yeah, well. We’ve both done things we’re not proud of. I nearly fucking killed you.”

“You promised you wouldn’t kill me,” I whisper. “I believed you.”

“Maybe you shouldn’t have.”

“But you didn’t,” I say. “You didn’t kill me.”

“By good fortune, Lissa, nothing more.”

But I don’t believe him. I saw the relief in his eyes as I opened mine, and it wasn’t just panic.

I saw through the panic. His eyes still cared about me.

I don’t know where to start. I’m still thinking it through when he speaks.

“Your friend Sonnie told me we met before. You were the girl with the sparkly tobacco tin.”

My eyes meet his. “You remember?”

“It had hearts on it,” he says. “Glittery hearts.”

“I used to fantasise about you recognising me one day. But you didn’t.”

“You were a kid,” he says. “I saw a million kids that week.”

“But only one with a sparkly tobacco tin.”

“You had darker hair,” he said.

“I dyed it for you,” I tell him. “Because I saw those pictures of Debbie Harry in your storage room.”

“I gathered as much.”

I take a deep breath. It feels so good to breathe. “This isn’t how it was supposed to be. I was going to be a lawyer, just like you. I was going to go to uni and become the very best, and then I was going to come for a job with you. I thought if we were colleagues… I thought if I could impress you…”

“You planned that all those years ago?”

I nod. “I worked hard for straight-As all the way through the rest of high school, all the way through college, too.”

He squeezes my shoulder and I know then that Sonnie told him.

I feel the tears welling up before I’ve even said another word.

“My parents were out for their anniversary. Dad took Mum out to the place they met, a little Italian place they loved. I was babysitting for Joe. I told them to have a good time. They were really happy, Dad bought Mum orchids, they were her favourite.”

“You don’t have to tell me this,” he says, but I want to. I want him to know everything.

“It was a stupid rich kid who hit them, driving his dad’s car way over the speed limit. The police said he didn’t slow down, didn’t even see them.”

“Did they prosecute?”

I shake my head. “Rich lawyer, not enough evidence. Circumstantial, they said. He had a good college record.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I didn’t think I’d ever get up. I didn’t think I could go on living. But I have a little brother, Joseph. He wasn’t even twelve months old.”

“You take care of him?”

I nod. “I quit college and claimed benefits for a while, but I hated it. That isn’t what I want for Joe. My parents worked hard, I want him to see me work hard too. So my friend Dean sleeps on my sofa, he said he’d take care of Joe so I could find a job. I found yours, and I hoped… I hoped maybe… if I could just be close to you…”