But I couldn’t.
I couldn’t, because after two weeks of hating myself and struggling into work with ashen features and an ashen heart to go along with them, I got a call from an unknown number.
Maya Brook’s number.
I had no fucking idea how she’d got mine.
She needed to see me, and her voice was strained.
I told her I didn’t want to see her, but she cried and said I had to.
I think I’d known right then. Known it could only mean one thing.
I met her at the Crown Inn on the city outskirts and I sipped on mineral water while she sipped on the same, and then she pulled a white plastic wand thing from her bag and handed it over.
And there were two blue stripes on it.
I could’ve passed out from the shock.
“I’m pregnant,” she said. “You’ve got me pregnant, Lucas. And I won’t get rid of the baby. I’ll never get rid of the baby.”
My eyes must have been terrified ghosts with no soul as I stared at her across that table.
“You’re sure it’s mine?” I asked and she rolled her eyes.
“I’m definitely sure it’s yours.”
I retched at her pause and she looked so hurt.
“You’re going to be a daddy, Lucas,” she told me. “I hope you’ll live up to it. Please live up to it.”
I didn’t want to live up to it.
I didn’t want to live up to anything to do with Maya fucking Brooks now or forever, but I couldn’t not.
I couldn’t not and I knew it.
“I need to get my head straight,” I told her.
“Sure, I get that.” Her eyes were so hard as she stared over, but there was a flash of fear in them too. It hurt to look at them.
“I’ll be in touch,” I said.
“Please don’t mess up twice, Lucas. Please be there for me. I need you.”
I left her in the pub and was in the same daze I’d been in for weeks, and then I was sick all over again, only this time it wasn’t from drink. It was all from me.
I had to face up to it, and I was scared. I was a scared excuse for a soul watching his world fall away, and I needed someone to tell me I could get through this.
I called my mother and I struggled to speak, and she struggled to speak right back at me. I headed over to hers and she was waiting, as pale as I was, holding me tight as I walked through the door.
My words were a jumbled mess, asking her to please help me work out how I was going to get through this with Anna, but she shook her head.
“No,” she told me. “You won’t get through this with Anna. You’ve made a pit for yourself and now you have to climb on in.”
I was shaking my head, but she was nodding hers.
“You listen to me, Lucas. I was Maya once. I was the scared woman with a baby growing in her belly and no idea how she was going to exist in this world.”
I’d heard this before. I’d felt this before.
I’d hated the man who’d left her to bring me up without ever knowing my name.
And I couldn’t be him.
I couldn’t be that man.
She carried on talking and I was listening. I couldn’t not.
“You aren’t going to be your father,” she hissed. “I didn’t bring you up for that. You’re going to be the dad your father never was, and you’re going to make it work. You’re going to make it work, son.”
I was shaking my head and the tears came.
“I can’t,” I cried. “I can’t do it. I love Anna!”
“And you’ll love the baby you’ve created with Maya. Believe me, Lucas. You’ll love that little soul more than you love your own. You just have to try your best now and leave your mistake behind and make a brand new start.”
I was still shaking my head, but she didn’t stop.
“You’ll make a new start with Maya,” she said. “Or you’re a worse man than your father was, Lucas. You’ll be a pitiful excuse of a man who isn’t worthy of either of those women.”
I believed her.
I believed her because it was true.
I was a pitiful excuse of a man who wasn’t worthy of shit in that moment.
I definitely wasn’t worthy of Anna.
It was killing me inside as I opted to take the course that would rip my heart in two and Anna’s along with it. I called Maya up and met her the very next day, and I told her I’d try to be there and try to be the man she needed and the father I’d sealed the deal to be.
She was so happy as I told her I’d give us a go that I was sick to the stomach all over again. She threw her arms around my neck and once again she smelled of black cherry and the sea, and that acorn kept on tumbling down the mountain and it was already so caked in snow that my fate was well and truly sealed.