“I’m taking her to Hampshire,” Maya hissed up close to the gap in the door. “Don’t even think about trying to stop me. You’re a fucking wreck, Lucas. Drinking and making a state of yourself and fucking someone else. I’m not having her seeing that. I’m taking her away now. You need to get your shit together if you want us to come back.”
“You can’t take her!” I hissed back. “This won’t solve anything, Maya. It’s just a bullshit excuse to punish me.” I paused. “You think I’m not hurting? You think I haven’t hurt as much as you have with every bitchy little dig that’s come out of your mouth for years?”
Her eyes flashed with rage all over again. “You haven’t hurt like I have, Lucas. And you haven’t hurt like Millie has as she’s watched her father give up on us without a fight.”
No.
Fuck no, that wasn’t true.
Millie hadn’t watched me give up on her without a fight.
I didn’t just let Maya walk away like it didn’t fucking matter. It was a battle that cycled over and over and over, one vile circle of hate and spite and pain that helped nobody.
I slammed up into the front door until my face was up close to Maya’s. “Don’t take Millie away from me. Seriously, Maya. Don’t you dare.”
“Then don’t you dare think about playing happily families with Anna fucking Blackwell, Lucas. Make your choice. You get back with us, or we’re staying away. You can decide while we’re gone, but we’re going this afternoon.” She paused. “Millie already knows we’re going, she’s excited to see everyone back in Hampshire. Don’t make this any harder on her than it has to be.”
“Daddyyyy.” Millie called again from inside, and it took my breath.
“I mean it,” Maya said. “Don’t make this hard on her. You decide what you want while we’re gone, but we’re going today.”
She slammed the door back shut before I could say any more and I didn’t know what the fuck to do. I pressed my forehead to the wood and knocked again but she didn’t answer. I wanted to pound the door so hard it tore from its hinges, but I couldn’t, not with Millie knowing it was me out there.
I heard her voice calling my name again from inside, and heard Maya shout something that sounded harsh. I pressed my ear tighter to the wood, close enough to hear the race of footsteps thumping up the stairs.
My eyes were already up at Millie’s bedroom window when I stepped back from the porch, and that’s where she appeared. Her favourite teddy bear was pinched tight under her arm as her hands pressed up at the glass, and she looked so sad and confused and scared that it tore me in two.
Please, no. Please God, anything but take Millie away.
I felt the sob catch in my chest as Maya appeared in the window behind our little girl. She tugged her away from the glass, but Millie’s eyes were still on me all the way.
I was still staring up at the empty space, breaths ragged in my chest when my phone vibrated in my pocket. My hands were shaking as I pulled it out and called up the message.
Maya.
Us or that slut, Lucas. You decide!
But I couldn’t decide.
How the fuck could I ever make that choice? How the hell could I ever face walking away from Anna all over again for someone I didn’t love?
I couldn’t.
But how the fuck could I put Millie through months of pain while I fought over her future with someone who’d never let me be happy?
I couldn’t.
Jesus Christ, I couldn’t.
For the first time in years I felt so torn apart that I retched my guts up all over the grass out by my truck. It was like reeling from that pregnancy test in Maya’s hand all over again with no sign of a way out.
I didn’t know what to do, so I went back up to the door and dropped down onto the front step. And I waited. I didn’t pound and I didn’t shout. I didn’t do anything but sit there on that doorstep to stop her from driving away.
Stalemate.
It was stalemate.
She texted again after hours of sitting in silence.
Fuck off, Lucas. I’ll just wait however long it takes until you leave. We’ll still be going to Hampshire.
Don’t take Millie to Hampshire, I texted back, and her response came back within seconds.
Us or her, Lucas. You decide. We’re going to Hampshire.
It was getting dark by the time I finally got to my feet and walked back down that garden path. My stomach was still twisting and my puke was still at the side of the truck, and the nausea was churning hard all over again.
And I needed someone. I needed someone to confess my mistakes to, and help me make sense of this madness, just like I had done back then with those two stripes on the pregnancy test.