Where the holy fuck could we ever – fucking ever – manage to go from here?
My heart was with Anna.
It would always be with Anna.Chapter Thirty-OneAnnaThe days were long, and the days were shit, and work didn’t cut it this time. Not for the distraction it needed to be.
I was quiet, keeping away from the friends who were determined to reach out and big me up about how wise I was being, putting pressure on top of pressure to give my real life another shot.
My parents were calling constantly, asking me to go over to dinner with Seb at their dining table. Nicola was inviting me out every evening for some girl time. Vicky was wanting to watch reality TV with me and bitch about the contestants.
I wanted none of it.
I wanted Lucas.
There was only one social that I couldn’t shy away from, and that was Amy Miller’s wedding.
I gave it everything I possibly could to enjoy the amazing experience of a friend I’d known for years, but it was impossible. Truly, it was impossible.
My heart was shattered into pieces right the way through.
The pride of her father walking her down the aisle to meet the man she loved. The way he was so proud of the life she was walking into.
The glow on her face as she stared up at her fiancé, knowing they were crossing that beautiful threshold into something more.
The nerves as she took the ring on her finger and how he was helping her keep her hand steady, squeezing tight.
The cute little bridesmaids holding their posies and giggling as they twirled around to see their skirts flow.
Fantastic.
Another big thank you to the universe for helping me feel so damn great.
I was sitting at a table at the reception party, once again fully ingrained amongst the usual crowd toasting my great decision, except it wasn’t great, was it? It was necessary. Necessary and cruel and shit.
I was struggling to clap along to the speeches Amy’s parents and their best friends were giving to the crowd – feeling sick at just how much support couples got for their love when the people surrounding them gave a thumbs-up.
I was struggling to keep a face on my hurt, smiling a fake smile while Amy and Dan took their first dance for the guests – when all I was thinking about was spinning in Lucas’s arms in Oscars, dancing like the night would never end.
I was struggling not to bail out and shut myself away in the venue toilets to sob the makeup off my face. It would have been so easy, but so unfair too. Unfair to draw any attention to me on someone else’s special day.
I guess that’s why I was smoking. Smoking and drinking champagne. Smoking and avoiding every scrap of conversation that could stab me further in the gut.
I was still getting the scowls, and the shakes of the head, and everyone telling me how terrible it was for my meds, but it was the least of my concerns. Getting through the day was all that mattered, and staying outside as long as possible to soak up the nicotine was the best chance it had of happening.
That’s where Yasmin Boyle found me – just like the last time round. She stepped outside to the smoking area just as I was lighting up one of mine, and there was that strange look on her face as she stepped up close. Just like I’d seen outside Nicola’s girls’ night shenanigans.
“I heard you let Lucas go back to Maya,” she said.
I shrugged, champagne blunt. “I didn’t have much choice. He needed his daughter and she needed him.”
She shrugged right back. “I heard she stole her down to Hampshire and didn’t give either of you a fair choice. Selfish cow.”
“Yeah, well, it’s done now,” I said, and took a long drag. “He’s probably back at home with her trying again. Whatever. She wants him, he’s her husband. They have a decade together behind them to make it work and he owes her more than he’ll ever owe me.”
Yasmin let out a sneer at that. “If only you knew. She owes both of you more than anything, believe me.”
But I didn’t want to believe her and I didn’t want to know, because what was the point? Even the thought of listening to what she was blatantly eager to tell me was stabbing me harder in the ribs that I could manage. I was dithering on the spot, hating life for all it was worth, and it didn’t matter. Nothing Yasmin said to me could matter.
Maya had stated her case, and it didn’t matter who she was or what she did, there was no way I’d go back on my decision now. Even if I wanted to run to Lucas over burning coals with open arms, I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t bear to stir up a whole fresh load of carnage, because he was back at home now. Back at home with his family.