Poison

I kicked out, but he pressed down harder, and my knickers were still rammed in my mouth and held tight. I was retching, and trying to breathe and trying to protest as my brain screamed to a whole new tune, but I couldn’t stop him. I didn’t have the strength.

“I’ll be the man you fucking want me to be, shall I?!” he snarled. “I’ll be your next Lucas fucking Pierce and his cunting fucking perversions, you disgusting little slut!”

I tried to scream out again, but it was muffled.

“I made you more than this!” he spat. “I worked so hard to make you more than this!”

I couldn’t cry out, just retched.

“Why won’t you fucking love me?” he hissed. “I tell you what, Anna. I’ll make you love me! I’ll be just the man you fucking need! Just keep fucking still and let me fucking show you!”

I didn’t keep still.

I didn’t stop squirming and I didn’t stop retching and trying to scream, and I didn’t stop hating the man Sebastian became when I wasn’t the woman he wanted me to be.

I’d forgotten this man.

I’d always blamed myself for this version of this man.

But not tonight.

I didn’t blame myself tonight.

Not anymore.

I didn’t stop wishing I was anywhere other than underneath the man I’d run back to because I was scared and alone and believed he wanted the best for me.

I didn’t stop knowing what was happening as he pinned me down hard and forced himself into me.

Didn’t stop begging him to stop as he slammed into me.

And I didn’t stop crying when he was done.

“Oh, quit with fucking tears,” he said, as I scrambled to tug my dress back down. “We both know you like it rough. You should be thanking me for showing you a good time for once in your sorry life.”

I rolled onto my side and pulled my knees to my chest, and I couldn’t look at him, couldn’t do anything but try to catch my breath.

“Let’s go to bed now, then,” he scoffed. “We’ll talk about it in the morning. Hopefully you won’t need another prosecco over breakfast. I’ll make you some eggs, just how you like them.”

He laughed. He shook his head and laughed, and stared over like I was me and he was him, and we were us all over again.

And sure he was. He was Sebastian again, cool and calm as he finished his own undressing and got himself ready for under the covers, but I was anything but me.

I could never be cool and calm again. Not in the same room as the man I’d believed would take care of me when I couldn’t take care of myself. Because he’d… he’d…

He scoffed again as he gestured me off the bed. “Oh come on, Anna. Calm yourself down now or you’ll be having another seizure. You know how upset you get when you wake up soaking in the morning.”

My head was spinning, and my nerves were jangling, and my heart was racing, and everything was confused and wrong and broken.

“Come on,” he said, and held out a hand to help me up, but I shied away, scared, and so shocked that I didn’t know what the hell I should be doing.

Except I did know what the hell I should be doing.

I should be getting the hell out of there. I should be anywhere but in the same room as the man who’d just…

Who’d just…

Who’d just…

“Don’t be shy,” he said, and there was that scoff in his voice again. “We both know you liked that. I should have made a dirty little slut out of you years ago, then you wouldn’t have needed to run back to that filthy prick in the first place.”

I was shaking my head, even though I couldn’t find my voice, and my arms finally came to life, pushing me up and away from that bed, where my feet took up the mission and backed me to the door.

“Come to bed,” he said, and he had that stare in his eyes that I’d seen a million times before. The stare that told me I was ill, and unwell, and needed him to make my decisions and take care of me.

The stare that told me I should stop thinking, and stop questioning, and get in bed under the covers, just where he told me I should be.

But not anymore.

Not now he’d…

Because how could he…

How could that ever be ok…

He saw it in my eyes. My pain and my hurt and my disbelief. He saw my clarity striking and my heartrate picking up even further in fight or flight, and my face take on enough disgust to send me backing out onto the landing.

“Fucking hell, Anna!” he snapped. “Going bailing on me again now, are you? You barely lasted another fucking week of the new life you wanted to invest in so fucking badly!”