“I’m so proud of you,” she whispered. “Really, Logan. Just when I think it would be impossible to be more proud of you, there’s another day that makes me even more honoured to be your mum.”
“Stop it,” I said. “Don’t get fatalistic after an elephant meet up, please. I hope there are plenty more days to make you proud.”
“Let me get some sleep, then,” she laughed.
I sorted out the last of her meds and her hot water bottle, and settled her down for the night, just like usual. Only it wasn’t like usual. Not tonight.
Tonight, I was both happy and sad in tandem. Two people both in tandem. I was still that scared little boy, caged deep inside the man. So deep I barely felt him, not anymore. Not unless he poked his face right up at me, eyes wide and scared.
Like he did that night – he poked his face right up at me, at my mother’s bedside while she struggled to find her breaths.
But no.
I had no time for the boy inside. I never did.
I cast him aside, just like usual.
I pulled out a pen from my inside pocket and ticked off the item on her list on my way out, and then I left my mum to dreamland, with Wellington the elephant etched onto her heart.
I headed back through to my own bedroom, and pushed the scared little boy even deeper, so deep I could almost believe he was gone. Almost.
Oh, how I wished he was gone.
I needed him to be.
So, I thought about the sweet little whirlwind from the train, of the shimmer of gold in her hair and the cute little smile as she said hello, until I finally fell asleep. That scared little boy banished to the dark, callous pits of my memories.
Just like usual.12ChloeI’d been trying to give my absolute all to work, learning everything I could before I was due to switch over and shadow Gina Salzaki on Franklin Ward, but one single morning without the stranger on the train was enough to drive me insane.
I was petrified I’d never see him again, and it was crazy how much that scared me, since I didn’t even know his name.
My whole life was in its new mad routine, and I’d thought that was safe enough. I was racing to the train every morning and staying up late every night. I was slipping my hand down between my legs in bed, just as soon as Liam had rolled over and gone to sleep.
I just figured the stranger would always be there, on that journey every morning.
I was thinking of him every time I had a spare second. I thought about his dark eyes, and his velvety voice, and his smile, and his bookshelf and how many of the same novels we might have. But that was nothing compared to just how much I was thinking about him on that one scary day he was gone.
Stupid.
I was a stupid, crazy idiot.
I should be thinking about nothing other than work. It was my career. My shot at making a difference and doing what I really wanted. I should be worried about a billion other things at the hospital more than some random guy I didn’t know. Franklin Ward was scaring me, and it should be WAY worse than a morning train journey.
People said I’d find it hard in there. Vickie pulled a face every time Dr Hall was mentioned in conversation.
“Amazing, but… serious.”
She always left the same pause between words and always had the same weird half smile on her face.
It was Indy, the nurse I teamed up with on lunchtime shift on that one crazy day, that tried to get me chatting about the Franklin Ward nerves some more. She pulled me into the corridor between consulting rooms for yet another round of gossip, when all I was thinking about was the train.
The train.
The train.
Where was the stranger on the train, universe?
WHERE WAS HE?
“I’ve heard you’re off to replace Gina Salzaki,” she said. “Dr Hall is hot but… weird.”
That same pause, and that same half smile from a different mouth.
“I’ve heard that,” I said. “Everyone says so.”
“You’ve seen him around? You’d probably recognise him, he looks great in a suit, and his eyes are… serious… and his hair is… obvious…”
I’d heard about this. I’d heard plenty, but I was done with it. It was always the same loop of stuff, over and over, about how great he is, and how hot he is, but how weird.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Always the same. Always.
And I got it. I really got it. I thought it was great. But still, that loop of stuff didn’t mean crap to me that day.
The train, the train, the traaaaaaaaaaaaaaain!
I was a grouch that night when I got home. I ignored the books on my shelf and sat next to Liam on the sofa, and I tried to feel something. I tried to remember how it felt when I loved him with all of my heart, every little piece of it.